love one, but with another

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
love one, but with another
2
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 10:13pm

Hello.

Im 21 years old and in a relationship. Just last summer, I met this guy. he was great, sweet, caring, perfect. i had such great comfort with him. i found myself in him. i felt complete. we spent time together, nites together (nothing happened, but a some kissing and holding)....either way, he was too busy with his studies to even acknowledge his feelings. he never told me he had feelings until we got into a huge fight about 6 months later. he said he had feelings yet we both needed to get over it and he said that he doesnt wanna be friends with me anymore because i caused alotta problems (i would tell my close friend about our intamacy , bc i would be so confused, and he didnt know how to handle it). so pretty much i was in a "no one knows" relationship. it was never official...

either way, then there was this guy who really liked me, but i wuldnt give him the time of day....we takled for a couple months, hung out, etc....but then i gave him a chance, and weve been together for 3 months....

in that one month after me and the first guy had that huge fight, i stilled talked to him a little..he told my good friend "how do u think it makes me feel with what shes doing" (basically seeing this guy, which made no sense bc he never really wanted to BE with me) after that, we stopped talking...its been 2 months since then and we havent spoken. no phone calls, no instant messaging (i blocked him), no saying hi if i see him on campus

So now, im with this guy who cares for me, and i do too....but, it doesnt feel like the way i cared for that other guy... i mean, he kepes me happy, takes care of me, but hes a lot different from me. hes a strong person, very motivated in life, very confident.....we get along but still have fights.. i tell him i love him and he says the same but....is it wrong for me to still miss that other guy? i mean i miss our friendship, i miss the way i cared for him.... my guy friend (whose his friend too) thinks i mite still love him....i dont believe that i do....i wonder if he still thinks of me..... i wonder what he feels... i figure he prolly doesnt even care about me, and doesnt even think of me....

i have too much pride to ever call him or message him... and my bf would not like it cuz in a way my feelings for him prevented me from any possible feelings for my now boyfriend....and i cant tell my bf all this.. i want things to work bw me and my bf.. i dont want to be with the other guy.... i just dont know what im feeling...sometimes i wish that something would happen and id run into him and somehow wed start talking....its like this eerie feeling.... i love spendin time w/ my bf no doubt...but his outlook on life is a lil different from mine so its somethin that we compromise on....i dont know what to do....contacting that guy is not an option.....do i really still love him? is that what it is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:06am

It's not fair to your current b/f that you are thinking about this other guy, even if you don't contact him. You are, in essence, cheating on him and using him to fill in the gaps that the other guy couldn't fill for you b/c he didn't care enough about you. It's unfortunate that you skipped directly from the one guy to the other...clearly you needed some time on your own, not dating anyone seriously.

My guess is if the guy you still have feelings for is not contacting you, you're right...he doesn't want to be with you. So he's jealous about being replaced by your current b/f...big deal...that's just his ego talking, not any real feelings for you. Another feeling I have is that your current b/f senses that you are preoccupied, since you say that you guys fight often, so don't be too surprised if he leaves you for someone more invested in him. Don't underestimate his ability to see through you.

Can you handle being on your own and just casually dating? It may be a perfect time to try it out...before you get dumped...take the initiative and strike out on your own!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 2:14pm
My guess is that you weren't completely over the first guy before you got with your current, so you have residual feelings. Maybe you could write the first guy a letter that you never send? It sounds to me that you need closure. What works for me is to really acknowledge and feel what my emotions are, follow them through, whether they feel right or not, they're just feelings. I've found that once I've done that, I can get to the bottom of what's bothering me. You've probably blocked/suppressed or repressed your feelings about the first guy because you didn't know what to do about them. That's the nice thing about feelings; they don't have to make sense! You feel them then let your rational, logical mind make allowances for them, but still stay in control. However, when we suppress and repress them, they really can wreak havoc. Good luck.