In love with one of my best friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
In love with one of my best friends
1
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:17pm
(sorry if this is in the wrong forum. I've been away from these message boards for quite a while)

I met T almost three years ago, and he put the moves on me first. Until he actually made a move, I just thought he was another cute guy who was fun to play with. When he seemed interested, I decided that something was worth pursuing. We eventually became close friends. He was there for me through my Year From Hell (2002), and I was there for him through rejection, graduation, moving to another state (and the problems there), moving back here for grad school, and more rejection from women. If I'm at his apartment and I go outside to use my cell phone for more than a few minutes, he checks up on me to make sure I'm ok. He worries about my eating habits (the aftermath from the Year From Hell is that I've lost my apetite and can't sleep due to emotional trauma unrelated to him), worries when I can't sleep, wants me to be happy, tries to get me to relax. I hit bottom last July and cried to him for three hours on the lawn outside his sister's place while he just listened--I'm not sure he knew what to do, but I needed someone to listen and he was there, and so sweet about everything. I hadn't eaten that day (apetite problems) and he bought me a late dinner and made me promise to stop beating up on myself because he hates to see me hurt.

He wants to fix my problems and make everything ok, and gets after me for not taking care of myself. He has told me numerous times how beautiful and talented and smart I am. He laughs at my stupid jokes, he calls me at midnight for no good reason, he'll chase me around a room just to tickle me, I catch him looking at me in a crowd, and he always seems glad to see me. He teases me about liking sparkly things and having pink as a favorite color--he always says "you're SUCH a girl!" and laughs. He compliments what I wear and tells me I'm sexy even if I'm in my scroungy clothes (which I don't wear in front of him). We were at a cocktail party earlier this year, and I was in the kitchen catching up with some friends and noticed he was coming down the stairs. I hadn't finished talking to the other people when he grabbed my hand, led me to the family room, and made me sit down and meet his roommate, who said "I've heard a lot about you--good to finally meet you!" I can't lie to him. Looking in his gorgeous eyes I have no desire to lie to him. He's the one person (besides my parents) who can get through most of the protective walls I built during the Year From Hell, and he's the one person (besides my best female friend) who recognizes and calls me on my defense mechanisms.

We talk about everything and I get along better with him than with any of my other male friends. We have a lot in common, with just enough difference to balance each other--he's a geologist and I'm in the liberal arts and behavioral sciences. I feel safe with him, and I trust him with my life. He's one of the best people I know, even though he's not "perfect". He's incredibly talented and very attractive to me even though he's not my physical "ideal". I know it's silly to keep a list of qualities the "perfect" man has to have, but he has almost all of the qualities that aren't based on pure fantasy. He's REAL. He's told me before that he likes being with me because I'm real. His best friend told me that when he is mad, I'm the only girl who can calm him down.

Relative strangers have asked if we're dating. His sisters and cousin all love me, and it's unusual for them to all like the same girl. Our friends have told us how great we are together and that we should be dating. The other night, after getting home at 2:30, he called and we talked for over an hour even though he had an early appointment the next morning. He told me that I was "damn attractive" and really great, and that I was the one girl he couldn't easily come up with a reason for NOT dating when his friends and family asked about me. He never told me the reason/excuse he finally gave, although I have heard one of his sisters tell me that it was because he thought of me as a sister, but you don't look at a sister the way he's looked at me! I wonder if he automatically categorizes girls into sister status when he gets close to one because that's all he can relate to. But that's beside the point. The point is his mouth may claim he's not interested in me, but his body-language and actions say he is. I respond to what I'm given, and being with him makes me happy.

I know him well enough, however, to know that if I said anything besides how much I value our friendship, he'd run. I don't want to risk what we have right now, because I lost a really close, long-time friend during my Year From Hell and I'm a little gun-shy. Please tell me if there's any hope! I've never met anyone better than him, or anyone I feel so compatible with. Yes, he has problems, but I can deal with them. I'm too old to believe in fairy tales anymore, and I no longer believe that Mr. Perfect is going to carry me away on his white horse. I believe in someone who balances me who has problems I can deal with, and who can deal with my problems. I think this guy is it, and that I just might have to be really patient with him and myself as I heal from the Year From Hell.

Any advice, comfort, words of wisdom, and chocolate are most appreciated. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:02am
I guess I'm asking if, in your opinions, there's any hope for this friendship to become something more.

We're both 29 and have the same friends and interests. I'm just so content and happy when I'm with him, even if we're just playing cards or talking. I'm mostly confused about the whole thing right now.