Lover to friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Lover to friend?
4
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:19am
I have been seeing this man for the last 7 months. I am a divorced mother of two boys 2 yrs. and 4 yrs. old, quite a handful. I have my kids full time. He and I have been intimate since the beginning of our relationship but we have kept it very casual with the exception that we would notify one another if we were to meet someone else. Anyhow, my kids adore him, we have had a lot of wonderful moments together, have experienced a lot in our 7 months, and have become quite close. The problem is I have fallen in love with him and I have told him, but he doesnt think he could handle a relationship with me and my kids on a serious basis. Did I mention that I am 24 and so is he? So that I feel could change, right........? Well I am going crazy over this situation because we are to close to stop being in eachothers lives, but how do I let go of this fantasy and love and just settle for friendship? We both agree that we want to be in eachothers lives, so Im lost... Any advise would be nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:45am

To be honest, I haven't got a clue where you could go from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 6:07am
I agree with yasmin1967. Kids do attach easily. And to keep this going with no future will hurt them both in the long run. And you as well. Personally, I don't think you are being fair to yourself. You deserve someone who loves you back the same way. If you have agreed that you want to keep him in your life as well, ask yourself; what are your true motives? Would you be happy to settle for his friendship if you really want something deeper? The more you keep the physical up, the stronger your feelings will likely become. That's how we women think. That's how we're made. And is he still going to want to be part of your life if the physical is gone? A harsh question, but it's a reality. I'm not saying you have to give it up, but personally, I don't think I could keep it going as is if the guy told me he doesn't see a future. You are just setting yourself up for more heartache. And it doesn't sound to me like you are going to be able to turn off your feelings like a faucet. I'm the same way myself. If I were in your situation, I would stay fully clothed whenever he's around. And if he still keeps coming around without the physical, then you know his friendship is true. Will also give you some time to sort out your feelings. And will allow you the opportunity to find someone capable of giving you the kind of love you are truly seeking. Good luck!! Hope it all works out.

Elle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:06am
What you have is a friends with benefits situation. He is getting what he wants without committing (which he probably NEVER will) you (being the women) have become emotionally involved with the situation and him. Why do you think you dont derserve better then this? And why do your kids even know about him? I have kids and if I ever (which I would not) get involved with this kind of situation--my kids would not even meet him. When I date people --they dont even meet him until I know it's going to be a serious dating--possibly more relationship. Like 4-6 months into dating. Just good luck, and use your head! This situation is not a good one and really you should get out and move on to something that will actually benefit you and your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:11am
After reviewing all of you comments to my question, it was a little disturbing. He is more then just sex and even if we never have a relationship we both care about eachother very much and are very good friends aside from the physical side. He has endored a great deal of situations with me and if it was only about the sex he wouldnt have stuck through like he has. Im sorry that you feel he is bad for my kids but he does care about them very much and he will be around for a long time as my friend. Yes I know its not easy to turn your feelings off for someone but he means to much to me to let him be completely out of my life or my kids, he is like an uncle to them, and we do not show affection in front of them. Two people I believe can be friends if they care about eachother enough, and if he finds someone some day that truely makes him happy then I will be happy for him. I will always hold a place in my heart for him and regardless he has been a huge inspiration to me. So Im sorry that you all feel the way you do but if you really love someone you dont always have to choose between them being either one way or nothing at all.