Macho BF behavior&Potential Ego problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Macho BF behavior&Potential Ego problem
8
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:01pm
Hi..

I'm new here and would really love some advice from anyone w/a similar BF problem...basically, I like my guy a lot, we've been dating about 7 mos., but recently he's been showing that he's got this kind of controlling/macho side to him that i really don't like, and he makes me feel like I need more space.

The most recent example is that a few weeks ago I started taking judo classes again (I took some classes in college before I graduated last year a and loved it--great way to keep in shape, etc.) and he insisted on joining w/me even tho' he's not really into it. And I kinda wanted this to be my own thing b/c he already does his own athletic stuff w/a basketball league he's in and some other stuff he does w/his guy friends...but he insisted b/c he said he 'didn't want me rolling around on the floor w/other guys' and I was like it's totally not like that--it's a sport, and yes, we grapple, but it's all under the supervision of a sensei and such...but in the end I said 'fine, whatever", and he joined w/me but like I said he's not even taking it seriously and he's already missed two classes just to go drinking w/his buds or something...It's like he joined just to keep an eye on me and it kind of creeps me out...

...the other problem I see looming is that i continue to practice hard and was pretty good to begin with (at least in college my sensei said I had very good form and skills) even tho' I don't really have the "judo body type" b/c i'm tall and thin and don't have a lot of upper body strength...but I have long legs and good balance and I even take some extra instruction on weekends--anyway, the problem I see is that we're scheduled to have an in-class tournament pretty soon and i'm worried that if I have to square off against my BF I might actually beat him, and I don't think he could deal with it! He has this dumb macho idea that b/c I'm pretty and look like a classic "girly girl" and I used to be a cheerleader and such that I can't be taken seriously as a fighter...like in class when we practice falls he's always like "are you OK?" and I just wanna scream "shut up--i'm fine and i'm doing this better than you!" but of course I don't...

all I know is I've seen his form and it's sloppy and he continues to smoke cigarettes even tho' i've begged him to stop and it seriously hurts his stamina (he's totally spent at the end of the classes) and i'm not 100% sure but if it came down to it--despite the weight and strength advantage he has over me--I wouldn't be totally surprised if I could take him. And since there's only a handful of girls in the class and we all pratice we each other anyway, it is possible we could be paired up in a match. when the tournament starts!

I dont know--I just wish he'd let me do this on my own...sorry for rambling but I could use some advice on this (I have told him, btw, the he should take the classes more seriously but he just laughs and says 'don't worry about me--just make sure you don't break a nail or something" ...I don't consider myself a feminist but that kind of talk really ticks me off!

JJ

Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:59pm
I am not sure what you are really asking since you seem to already know your answer. It does sound as though your BF wants to be somewhat controlling by keeping an eye on you at Judo Class. Obviously he is not into it b/c he doesn't attend classes, etc. If you are really concerned about squaring off with him, I would briefly explain to your sensai your situation regarding your BF and ask if you can sqaure off with someone else or let it go and if you do square off, kick his A*(( and then ask him if he broke a nail!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:08pm
Don't let him interfere with your judo classes, for one thing. If he can't accept that you have an interest in learning some self defense techniques, then he has major issues. I think he has a fragile ego and there isn't much you can do to change that. His behavior seems somewhat unacceptable, to me. Sorry, but I can't tell you "what" to do, only my opinion on him and what he is doing. I can't say "break up with him" because that would be kind of extreme. Its something you need to work through with him. Its not a good idea for you and him to square off in a judo contest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:42pm
As much as you like him, behaviour like that is known to get worse, not better. I would wait until the competition, fight against him if you have to, and kick his ass, and then dump him, and say 'sorry, a girly girl like me needs a manly man, and apparently thats not you'

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:36pm
This kind of behaviour early in a relationship (and 7 months is still early) will probably get even worse. He seems to want to have control over your activities, keep a close eye on you and he's ridiculing you with the "break a nail" and other comments. These kind of behaviours can escalate into verbal and physical abuse, sometimes before you even realize it. I'd be very careful and watch his actions closely going forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:27am
Thanks for the advice everyone...

I spoke w/him last night and just asked if he was enjoying the classes or not and he said "they're OK, I guess" and I reminded him that there's an in-class tournament coming up next week and he was like "yeah, so?" and I confessed to him that I was worried about the two of us actually having to fight each other and he said "don't worry, I'll go easy on you" and I couldn't help myself and said "well, I mean, what if I won? Would you be OK w/that?" and he just started laughing really hard and was like "oh, very funny" and I told him that I was practicing a lot harder than him and getting stronger w/each class, too (I can do 20 push-ups now, guy-style, which may not seem like much but is a personal best for me) and I'm still concerned that he's not taking the sport seriously enough...

when he stopped laughing he just said "Look, it's just like wrestling (it's not--there's a lot more about balance and leverage involved)and he was like "I out-weigh you by like 40 pounds--I can bench-press you!" (all of which is true, I guess...i'm 5'9" and about 125 and he's a couple of inches taller and probably weighs about 40 or 50 pounds more) but I told him to look at our sensei who's barely 5 feet tall and weighs less than me and can destroy even the best black belts in the class...and he was like "whatever--the guy's a black belt--you're just a beginner like me and I hate to say it but you're also a girl, and i'm not worried--I just have to figure out how not to hurt you if we have a match."

I emailed a girl in the class i've become friendly with (she's a green belt and has taken part in these tournaments before) and she said there's a good chance we may have to face each other b/c the sensei has all the different levels spar against each other i.e. the black belts vs. the other bb's, and so forth....and since there are about 6 "newbies" in the class--myself, 2 other girls, and 3 guys, including my BF, it's a fairly small pool...

I really don't know what to do...I just wish he's have a better attitude or quit and let me do this on my own...and i'm wavering between being concerned for his ego (I've even considered letting him win if it comes to it) to wanting to teach him a lesson (if I can; i'm not so cocky as to think I would automatically win; but like I said, from what i've seen, if he doesn't start training harder or taking it more seriously, he could be heading for a real fall, and our relationship would probably suffer in the process...he's definitely showing me a side of him i haven't seen before and don't care for. )-:

I hope to keep you all posted on what happens and I welcome any further thoughts or advice...Thanks!

JJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:04pm
I just want to reinforce what another poster said about watching his behaviour. My xSO did EXACTLY the same thing with my boxing class. But he claimed to join so that we could spend more time together...really it was bc he was jealous. Eventually he DID become physically and verbally abusive. The more and more they think they "have you" the more controlling it can get. Just be careful and watch for the red flags. One of them I remember was him always asking me where I was or why I was late...

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:10pm
This isnt about Judo and you know it.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 5:21am
*sigh*

I do understand everyone's concern...i'm not a girl who just ignores warning signs--if I was I wouldn't have posted these concerns to begin with...I guess I just want things to be like they were when we first started seeing each other and he showed no signs of this kind of controlling behavior...It may not be about judo per se but it seems he started getting weird as soon as he heard I was taking these classes...maybe he's just not comfortable w/a woman being strong?

My friend at the dojo says the best thing may actually be for the two of us to spar b/c if he experiences first hand what i'm capable of physically he may reach a new respect or understanding of what women can do if trained properly. I don't know, that seems a tad optimistic...But I would at least like us to go through the tournament (Monday) before I make any big decisions on whether to stay together....

JJ