Making the girl make the first move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Making the girl make the first move?
7
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 5:04pm

So Friday night I was out with a couple of friends. One girl, two of my best guy friends. Well, my friend and I were just hanging out by the bar, drinking our drinks, and I noticed a guy checking me out. He was pretty cute, and he kept smiling at me. I smiled back at him, but it took him awhile to approach me. My girlfriend thought it was because he might have been a little intimidated by the fact that I was with a couple of my guy friends.

When he and I finally talked to each other, we made the usual small talk; where we both went to college, where we're from, etc. When it was time to leave, he gave me his number without asking for mine as well. I happened to text him today just saying, "It was nice meeting you on Friday." He responded back that he enjoyed meeting me as well and hopes that I had a good rest of the night. I replied back saying I hope he did too, and then he text me back saying, "You should gimve me a call sometime soon and we'll see what's going on."

Since when do guys make girls make the first move? I've never been approached by a guy who makes me take his number first, and then when I do, tells me that I should call him, instead of the other way around. Is he just playing hard to get, or why is he doing this? Or, could it be that he's not that interested anymore? I don't get it.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:11pm

This is not how life used to be. I'm probably alot older than you, and I can safely say that during the 70's, 80's and 90's men still made the first move and more moves after that. This is a new kind of male sexual revolution whereby women are being put in the position of having to do all of the work that men used to do in dating. Like a role reversal or trading places. It's kind of a little "stunt" that men think it cute and funny - haha - not laughing. Men are now acting fickle, the way women have always behaved when they want to tie a man around their finger. Men are now not providing foreplay unless asked for it and even then, eh. I guess alot of women have not been doing a good job in the b.j. dept for a long time, and those of us who have been pulling our weight and performing at "exceeding expectations" are paying for it now. Not fair I say.

You don't have to call this guy. I'm sure there are alot of guys who still make the first move. Traditionally, if a woman makes the first move - the guy runs for the hills. Then, there are other guys who, once the woman makes the first move, sees her differently - like a convenient thing instead of someone who he desires to date seriously. Some men only value who and what they chase after. There is nothing wrong with letting a guy know you like him and would date him, if he were interested. You can ask your guy friends about this and get their opinion. You can say to this guy, "I am comfortable letting you know that I would be interested in dating you, but I am more comfortable with you taking the lead." See what he says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:05am

This guy isn't interested in you. Most guys who are interested wait for a signal from a girl that she's interested in him as well. You returned his smile and you called him but he's not making any first moves.

I have 5 brothers. Yup, 5 and I get male advice from them all the time. They tell me that if they're not pursuing a girl even if she makes the first move, they're not interested. They say they need a sign from a girl that she's interested and they'll take it from there. If they get a girl's number and don't call, they're really not interested. If he's not making any effort, than I wouldn't either. I have girl friends who chased and got the guy for a few mos. but were not happy because she wound up doing all of the planning/calling, etc. while he sat back being passive without a care in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:09am
"They say they need a sign from a girl that she's interested and they'll take it from there." So there are still men out there like this? Okay, good. I agree with you. In theory it really shouldn't matter who does the pursuing, but the reality is that men need to feel like they are driving the bus. Such fragile egos.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 4:26pm
I totally agree with Snafu. Every time I've taken the initiative in anyway I've been treated as not having any value etc.
I was with my ex for 9 months and when things started going wrong I started running after him and boy did things get worse very quickly.
I live in Europe and maybe we're more old fashioned here than most of you who write from the US but things have always gone wrong when I have done anything that could be regarded as 'chasing.' As Snafu says, men are so fragile that even a text message or email can be seen as 'chasing' especially if the guy is apathetic as it seems that the one in this thread is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 6:20pm
I kinda figured this was the case with him. Plus, I suppose it didn't help that I was with a few of my guy friends that night, and one of them really likes to hug me and be sometimes overly affectionate...not saying that there is anything between him and I, that's just the way one of my guy friends are. Even though he's like a brother to me, I'm sure the other guy probably didn't see it that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 7:39pm
Hi. Just thought I would offer my first reaction since it seems different in some respects than the other posters. I know some guys who are very careful to not go too fast in taking a girl's number. They are afraid it is an invasion of privacy too quick and too soon so instead they offer their phone number and ask that you call it and then go from there. They then take the lead and all is well. Even if he has your phone number, I think some guys feel it is a form of respect to let you open up those lines of communication yourself.
I myself once had a guy give me his phone number and not ask for mine and he was just trying to be respectful. Once I called him, he had my phone number on his phone and it was kind of a silent permission slip to use it.
Also, I asked my bf out the first time we went out. It was just lunch and kind of spur of the moment but still it was me asking, not him. He has taken the lead ever since. As it turns out he was just out of a relationship and was feeling kind of gunshy but once I took the initiative he perked up. I dont think men are any more or less fragile than women are... I remember wondering why he hadnt asked me out since we kept running into one another and the only way I found out the perfectly reasonable explanation for that was by taking the lead and listening. No harm in that. We are still together after a year and things are fabulous. It was a great decision to ask him out and not worry too much about the rest...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:41pm
Well I asked the last guy I met out and we went out once for a coffee and I never saw him again after that.
As I say...different cultures....