Making my own decision
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| Sun, 12-12-2004 - 7:30pm |
Hello, I recently posted a message here about the problems I was having with my boyfriend and I just want to thank everyone for their support and comments, I guess its hard to be quite in tune with the situation unless you know the people well but a lot of it was helpful and more than anything I want to let people know that I appreciate their thoughts and wanting to help others.
To update you on my own little 'crisis', I was in a relationship (okay it was only 8 weeks, but as I said, you have to have been there to know) and my guy told me last Monday that he had met someone else and that although nothing physical had occurred as yet he was thinking he might like to see where a relationship with her might be like.
We've spoken a few times over the course of the week and seen each other once and slowly I've got him to open up and talk about things that he didnt have answers to when he first told me. I wont bore you with all the details but basically it comes down to he just cant decide who he wants to be with. He says she's a completely different character to me and he does get along with her and he's curious what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. At the same time he says he loves me, I make him happy and can see a future with me.
This is the first real relationship I've been in in a while, I mean I've been in other relationships but neither of us was looking at any sort of future, it was just the here & now. I'm not good at opening up with people in terms of feelings and that so it took me a little while to get used to the way this guy treated me and unfortunately it took something like this to make me realise how much I do love him.
I have no doubt that he does have feelings for me and I do love him but I dont think I want to be with someone that is not 100% certain they want to be with me and isnt looking elsewhere. I'm not willing to be with someone who is not entirely focused on me and I would always be worried that he was thinking "what may have been". He said he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and in a way I think he meant it. I think the fact that he was also attracted to another girl is more a reflection on his insecure and selfish character than something lacking in mine or our relationship.
What really upsets me about all of this, especially after speaking to him yesterday, is this is not the person I fell in love with. Its like talking to a stranger. I know you're all thinking that this is probably his true character considering I only knew him for 8 weeks but trust me, I'm not a naieve idiot and I've seen and done it all myself before. The person I walked hand in hand with, the person that I slept with my arms around, the person that I laughed with is not the person wearing the mask now so I think that makes it a bit easier to walk away from. I say a mask and I dont mean that he's being false but its just more of a characteristic you adopt to make it easier to deal with, I know because I'm doing it myself, its what gets you through it.
Anyway, its taken me a week to get to this point and through this whole thing I think I've been pretty reasonable about everything, as far as how I've been dealing with him. Perhaps thats part of the problem, maybe I should have jumped up & down and screamed & shouted, maybe I made it too easy for him. But at the end of the day I'm trying to remind myself that unfortunately we cant always rely on other people to think or behave the same way as we would. Its really really horrible and it hurts like hell but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it except think what a sad little life he's going to have by not appreciating what he had. In the end its his loss for being without me and the life we could have had because of his own actions.

austan...
You are a VERY SMART LADY. Pianoguy smiled this morning after reading your post.
What you need to decide is this:
"Can I temporarily bail out of this relationship long enough to see if the man can choose between ME and the other woman?"
This doesn't mean you have to hang around waiting for your b/f to make up his mind. But some men often come to a decision very quickly...when they realize it's a 'me or her' choice!
You have to honestly ask yourself: "CAN I MOVE FORWARD IF HE CHOOSES HER?"
Best wishes and warm thoughts,
Pianoguy
Good for you! Hopefully by you disappearing from his life he will realize just what he had and it's very true that it all due to his selfishness. He kept whining about his lost of interest for you and he wanted YOU to deal with it....good for you that you have decided to walk away, this will only make him respect you more because in he will see you as a secure and confident woman who would rather find love elsewhere than stick around hoping to be picked!!
By the way, does this "other girl" know about YOU???