the male tease

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
the male tease
7
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:36pm

I've been divorced for around six years. While it was an amicable breakup it was under such painful circumstances (disowned, bankruptcy) not to mention I'm a bit of a solitary type I've found it hard to get over (1) feeling worthy and (2) finding men who are appropriate. By appropriate I mean since my singledom I returned to school switching from healthcare to animation and from animation to now physical theater/installation art and am dealing with a younger and/or artier set.

Here's the dilema, I've hardly dated because the hot/cold gameyness of the men I hung with backed me off. Dont know how to cope. The performance crowd. I've had a ballet dancer 15 years my junior literally would chase me around dance class with lazer eye contact, hug all women in eyesight looking at me, wear my favorite colors until months later I finally "got it" (bizarre friggin behavior), I asked him out, and all he did was say "Ewwwww...I wouldnt want to see YOU outside of class!" Seriously, even in jest it still hurt my feelings and I didnt know how to respond. I eventually had to drop the class as he continued the attention grabbing "see me but at a distance" behavior more subtley.

A musician closer to my age, on the other hand, is a mutual interest. We've had smiling eye contact through local events for the past two years. We've hardly talked and its my fault since he seems "rock star" intimidating. He's even showed a few times in local events (not his own), gotten frustrated because I didnt approach him, snuck into local cafes eavesdropping or looking at me as I'm conversing with other friends. He must of over heard me griping about the ballet dancer last time because I showed up to a recent concert (of his) and approached him after the show. This is really nerve racking for me. He kept ignoring me, backing off finally saying "I dont want to interact with you outside of the concert. I've heard you talk and it disturbs me" What? Almost per vatim what the ballet dancer said. Yet I know I get these mixed messages, he smiles etc. When I quickly approached him again to apologize he said, "I'm just particular about my space" etc. Not harshly.

I'm not a crazed fan or anything but this gets hurtfully bizarre after some time. How does one communicate and "straighten it" with men of this sort...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 9:49am

deepsky...

Pianoguy has a question.

Irregardless of the age of the males who chase you...or the comments (good or bad) that they make...do you HONESTLY want to 'relinquish your single status' in favor of sharing your life with somebody else? Some women are perfectly content to be single and 'on their own!' Others like the comfort of having one or more male admirers.

So I guess that's where you need to start?

PG has been divorced for close to 5 years...and as much as he'd like to to meet up with a lady...and hopefully, have her become a permanent part of his life...there are STILL question marks when it comes to GIVING UP SINGLEHOOD in FAVOR OF "COUPLEHOOD?"

In your situation...you're being STALKED by someone who isn't getting the reaction he gets from others FROM YOU!

This leaves you with 2 choices:

1. Let him continue with this type of behavior AND IGNORE IT!

or

2. Sincerely, but firmly...TELL HIM IF HE DOESN'T CUT THE CRAP...you'll take him to court on a 'harrassment charge!' Let him babble and threaten you all he wants. The only thing YOU need to do is look him directly in the eyes without smiling...and convince him that you mean what you say!

See if this suggestion makes any difference in his attitude after a week has passed? If it doesn't...take the next step.

Meanwhile...ask yourself the "do I wanna stay single or have a partner" question a 2nd time!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:02pm

I thought the first guy was too young and tried to make it clear he needs to stay away...but he though he toned it down he still wasnt honest and straightforward after. I dropped the class.

I really "like" the second guy. Im just shy. Two years ago I really wasnt ready for such a charismatic 'rock star' personality. I'm getting better....that's why I approached him after the concert...(after all HE's found ME in cafes etc) to get THAT "no interaction outside the concert response". He was flirting earlier so it's a tease (mimicking the first guys behavior of which he eavesdropped in on) but THAT behavior (power games) is indimidating. When the musician say "I'm careful of my space" it may also refer to an earlier incident not mentioned. I took a workshop with his artist friend who showed shameless egoism rather than teaching and I complained and got the "need space" tease. Looks like my musician heard what happened down the grapevine. I was hurt because, in fact I do like him, I'm just not set up for the "typical dating scene" response.

Getting male attention is one thing. Getting attention and having the communication "held at a distance" or manipulated for a desired response not allowing a two way communication seems based on fear and some disingenousness on THEIR part. Because it's really not fair and only on one person's terms.

I enjoy solitude. Yet because it's been a long time, I do get ridiculously pressured by others...it's time for luuuv or seeex when I am not always in the space. That may change in an instant if I feel comfortable with a person I'm attracted to. I like the musician...just intimidated by his behavior. I have no hard rules except when it's right I'll know.

Thanks for letting me think this through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:25am
Frankly the ballet dancer guy sounds really gay. Yes, gay guys can act like they have crushes on women. It has certainly happened to me on more than one ocassion. As for the musician, well sounds like you are projecting your feelings onto him. Is he really interested in you? Has he asked you out on a date? Has either of these guys asked you out on a date? If the answer is no, I would say they are not interested in you despite the behavior that might indicate otherwise. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:35pm

Wow. That's intriguing psychology. Ballet dancers are gay while musicians who wear dresses are not. Non-verbal interest means it's NOT REAL whilst getting a "clear" sentence like a signed document IS in the land of love.

I am NOT interested in the ballet dancer and could care less his orientation so much as he get's communication help. As for the musician, I dunno, perhaps he DID ask me out. I just hadn't the universal inter-galactic translator on (1) "Roofing Repair Material" (2) "Sound Design" (3) "Manual of Kabuki like Hand Gestures" to be completely certain other than he happens to likes to wear dresses earily color matched to my current tastes in that last concert. A clever tease.

This leads me to my original question. How does one deal with the male tease?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:27pm

deepsky...

PG suggests "reverse psychology" on this question.

Next time you're teased by one of us.....throw this line back:

"How many women have you used that line on already today?"

Betcha that'll take any 'would-be pursuer' by surprise?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
In reply to: deepsky
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:13pm

From what I have heard of the entertainment world and it's occupants, they are very sexual. There is a lot of sleeping around and very few are interested in forming deep bonds.

The celebrities that do marry, their marriages don't last long.

I sympathize with you. You seem to be a person who wants to hold on to one person and bond with that person. You seem to be a committed person. Unfortunately you are in show business and commitment isn't the norm for that community.

Evidently these young men are needing you to stroke their egos, and apparently they like the way you look and act. Who knows, they might be looking for a one-night-stand with you, but they realize you aren't biting their bait.

Look outside the entertainment world for a mate. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: deepsky
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:42pm

<>

I didn't say he sounded gay because he was a ballet dancer, but because of his response to you: "ewwww" - that just sounds really gay to me.

<>

The same as you do any kind of teasing - don't let them think they are bothering you; blow them off - roll your eyes, give them the kind of look that says they are acting like stupid little kids rather than grown ups. Ask them "how old are you?" with a serious look on your face after they do something immature. Sooner or later they might begin to feel they are only making fools out of themselves rather than you, and may either stop or move on to someone else. Iri