Man of my dreams bores me to tears??
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| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:39pm |
I met this guy online: he seems to be everything I want in a man. From what I know about him, he seems to be considerate, sweet, stable (both emotionally and financially), ready to settle down (wants kids and is looking for a serious relationship). We have so much in common in terms of values, expectations about relationships, gender roles, raising kids, if you wish, politically and ethically, in every respect, it seems like we are really compatible.
We have talked on the phone a lot (after exchanging 3-4 emails) over the past month -- he lives two hours away from me -- I call each other day, but we only went on one date (last Friday). Here is my problem: although we are so similar in , it seems to me, almost every aspect of our values/expectations, we are very different in terms of temperament/sense of humor. I am thought to be playful, humorous and hedonistic, without being irresponsible: I am successful at what I do, and I am reliable , both as a person and a professional. He on the other hand is a man of duty, somebody who believes (seems to me) that life is all about responsibility (even when he was talking about compatibility between the two partners in a couple, he said that this is important because they have to raise kids together – Gosh,. Two people have to have more going for them and between them than just the kids to be happy together, I think!!!) . He never jokes, nor is he in anyway humorous/playful. I never knew that for me this is really important: I want a potential partner to make me laugh, I want us to laugh together, to joke, be playful with language, witty banter, turns out, is really important to me. So, our phone convos feel like job interviews sometimes: an exchange of expectations’/views etc., or like a series of mini-lectures (here is what I think on the subject, how about you?)
The question is: am I being superficial? After all, the witty, funny guys I was with are gone from my life; granted, even though I am 32, I have only been in two relationships – one 7.5 years long, and one just 6 months…. And I am not on a rebound: I broke up with the 7.5 year guy an year and a half ago… the other relationship wasn’t really traumatic, it just didn’t work out, so I don’t think I am comparing him with them necessarily…This man seems to have everything I want in a guy, and yet, I am not into him…couple of times, he would call me and I would catch myself thinking “Oh, I don’t want to talk to him now…” I don’t know what to do: do you guys think he’ll open up? Or should I just move on? Or, is it that I need to reconsider my criteria for choosing a partner? But I can’t imagine myself with somebody who , sorry to say it, bores me to tears… (when you want to get off the phone, or for the date to be over, that cannot be a good sign, right?) I know these sound like naïve questions, but in my previous relationships I would fall head over heels before I could see clearly if we are compatible, now it seems that we are, but I am just BORED. I think I am either crazy, or immature…. At one point I thought that may be there is the issue of physical attraction, but I don’t think this is the case: I don’t find him “unattractive”, it takes me some time to feel attracted to a person, plus, I have a history for falling for guys who would not be considered “attractive” in any mainstream sense of the word…) Please, help!!!!

(he seems to be really into me!!! and I have been in his shoes too many times... (dating-wise)
I think you just need to bite the bullet and be honest with him. Say "I think you're a great guy, but I'm just not feeling it in my gut" or whatever your own words are. It's NOT fun, I can tell you that, but you'll feel 1000% better after it's done and overwith.
I wouldn't do it over e-mail, and there are some who say face-to-face is best, but I don't have a problem with breaking up over the phone - and this will sound cold, but I wouldn't want to drive an hour or more to break up with someone unless it were something serious, nor would I want someone else to have to do that for me.
Best of luck..
Please, you aren't ordering up a man off a menu of options. Relationships are about chemistry. Of course, compatibility and responsibility are important as well.
Please find a guy that you can love, not just a man who meets your chinese menu criteria.
Thanks for your input! I totally agree with you: I do want to love and not just get me, what might be considered a good husband! The reason I posted, however, was to really get input on what is hapenning...While I have never walked around with a long checklist of "must-haves", the reason I emphasized so strongly how this guy is compatible with me (in my OP) is becasue I had gone through a lot of heartache (a 7.5 year long relationship,3.5 years too long) just becasue the other person, whom I loved to pieces, couldn't commit, or didn't feel the need to commit... in other words we had different needs, expectations... So, I am trying to find a happy medium here. But I am really grateful to everybody here for helping me see things more clearly (and honestly, another fear I have is that "I'll just settle", and I know I don't want to).
Kind of the opposite Question: how do you guys figure out if somebody is good for you in the throes of infatuation?(in the beginning of a relationship)? My huge mistake number 2 is that I would be so smitten that I would totally idealize the person...hear what I want to, live in some fantasy world...and go through a brutal awakening (well, it only happened once,and thank God I got oout of there 6 months later, but it was very intense: the chemistry was so intense , the attraction so there, the butterflies so aflutter that I literally lost my mind, and I paid for it.
Thank you!!!
The key to not getting caught up in infatuation is red flags. Getting smitten is one thing, but you have to make sure you see the writing on the wall too with men. Here is a couple of lists.
http://www.womensaccounts.com/dating_a_loser.html
http://www.heartlessbitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml
Enjoy a relationship but look for trouble signs as well. If you are questioning a man, post your concern on a site like this and get input.
You said - "Kind of the opposite Question: how do you guys figure out if somebody is good for you in the throes of infatuation?(in the beginning of a relationship)? "
Great question.
If a man is well grounded, has a balanced approach to life and is emotionally healthy - we won't. We understand that infatuation is a phase that will last around 6 months or so. We will delay making life changing decisions until the fog of infatuation has lifted and we see the real woman in the real world. This is the #1 reason why many men will say "they are not looking for a serious relationship at this time". Once the fog of infatuation fades, then we will start to consider the value related to moving towards a serious relationship. We will do this based on the facts of who and what you are as a woman and a valued companion in our lives.
You avoid getting caught up in the throes of infatuation with the wrong man by NOT ignoring the signs that he's bad for you....
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