Is This Man Right For Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Is This Man Right For Me?
2
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:57pm
Hi..I was hoping you all might be able to give me additional insight in case I might be floating in temporary insanity.

I have been talking to this guy who I believe I am falling in love with. However, he does not have the best background on paper, but I believe he is trying to make a change in his life and do the right thing.

The problem is that he was at the wrong place at the wrong time during a criminal act and ended up being convicted with accessory and is currrently on probabtion. He had gotten drunk with a couple of guys and passed out in the vehicle while the two other men robbed a small store and took off in the car he was in while asleep. He reported it and turned himself in thinking the lawyers and judge would understand but instead received probabtion and has a felony record. Life has been hard for him, no job, no money, no car, no license and a young daughter to support. He is 29, committed this stupid act 3 years ago and lives in a small southern town with very little industries and jobs. He does not have a college degree and worked most of his life in construction or factory jobs, typical blue collar middle america worker.

He realizes his stupid mistakes and is not proud of them. He lives in a small southern town while I live in a big city in the northeast and would like him to move in with me so he can escape the negative environment he is in and begin a new life together. He has communicated that he feels the same way.

He has all the qualities I look for in a man EXCEPT for this criminal background and no job/money. I try never to be judgemental about people and realize we all make mistakes in life, some larger than others. I believe in forgiving and giving people a chance. This is why for a while I have overlooked this side of him and have fallen in love with who is as a person and believe that these hurdles can be overcomed.

But, there is a part of me that feels this is a lot to handle. I mean I am a professional women who is living a comfortable, blessed, and straight life, an environment 360 degree different that the one he lives in. I been through my share of hardships and is trying to maintain and improve the life I have built for myelf. I have goals and want to achieve a happy and bountiful life both financially, spiritually, and with Love/Family.

What I cant seem to answer for myself is whether or not the risk of getting involved with this man and living together is a risk that I should take. They say you will not realize your potential or the great benefits of what can be without taking risks.

Should I give someone with this background a chance to enter my life and overlook all that he has done in the past and believe he is trying to make a major change in his life, for the better? Or should I look at what he did as a warning sign to not get involved with him?

One other note, he has always been respectful, kind and considerate to me, amazing with his daughter, and very very intelligent and we have terrific communication level between the two of us. On top of that we have so much of the same interest but yet enough differences to keep us intrigued with one another. I feel like he is already my closest soon to be best friend.

But, I just dont know whether I should be taking this plunge with him or should I move on with my life and risk that I maybe giving up on the man I have always been looking for eventhough he does not have the fancy wrapping paper surrounding him. HELP!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:02pm
How do you know his version of the criminal events is true? Have you checked the court records or is this all based on what he's told you?

Also, is he sober now and in a program such as AA?

How much time have you actually spent together in person?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:19pm
I would not risk it. I fully believe that actions speak louder than words and I don't see any actions on his part that he is being responsible. Of course you want to rescue him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You would not be helping him to become responsible and build his life if you take him in. If he's serious about you, let him find work and his own place. If you allow him to move in, I only see him mooching on you and never growing up. Let him prove to you that he is the man you're looking for- on his own two feet.

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