Marraige failing, in love with another

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Marraige failing, in love with another
5
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:55am
What do you do when you fall in love with another woman, and see her as the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with, but have the added complication of being married.

My wife and I have a daughter who herself is dating a guy and all the indications point to them getting married soon. I dread the thought of her leaving, and know as soon as she does, everything will fall apart.

I have tried everything to try and keep our marraige together, at the expence of my happiness, do you think this is right

I was drawn to this other woman as a result of her disasterous relationship with a friend the breakup was really nasty. Over a period I amongst others helped her through it, and over that period we became really close. We spoke of their relationships problems including very intimate details and almost without realising looking back I fell in love with her My feelings for this other woman have been expressed to her, she is fully aware of them. Although we have never had sex or even kissed at this time, she says she does not want to be stuck in the middle of my marraige problems, and she feels guilty that we speak and send emails behind my wifes back. I am confused, if I send cards, letters presents she keeps them and never gives the impression she is not interested. I know she is right in her assessment it is an act of unfaithfulness, but one I have to live with

I have told my wife I dont love her anymore and that I would leave, she did not want me to go, but we have tried again to make it work, but I am still unhappy.

Any advice


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:23pm
Hello frontiersman!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:12pm
Are you truly in love with this other woman or just drawn to the attention she is giving you? If you truly wanted to work things out with your wife, you would not have this woman sabotaging things. She is a distraction from the relationship you claim to be working on. Why did you fall in love with your wife in the first place? Try to find that person you were drawn to in HER before allowing some fantasy to intrude. If you seriously think you have given it all to your marraige and it's not working, then you should separate from your wife. Do I think you should run to this other woman? NO. I believe it's her attention that you are basking in, not actually this woman. We all like to feel attractive and hear those things that make us feel special. It was not right for you and this woman to talk intimately like that- you are married. If your wife isn't giving you what you need- isn't it fair to HER to ensure she KNOWS that you need it? People cannot read minds, and you cannot assume that she knows what you may be lacking.

Whatever you chose to do, do not further hurt your marraige by cheating on your wife. If you do want to pursue something with this other woman, leave your wife first. At least have THAT respect for her. Allow her the choice to move on in life if you decide to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:00pm
A marriage works if two people try to work it out. By your post, it seems that only you're trying to do so. The woman you like keeps your cards probably because she also likes you but she's wise in keeping away from you and your marital issues. What is this guy never gest divorced and she wastes time here? Why not have the talk with your wife and divorce? If you feel you've tried to save the marriage but hasn't worked out and you're unhappy with your heart in another place then the way out is to solve your situation at home. When you're free to offer a future with this woman go back and call her. Don't wait too long, as women tend to wait a reasonable length of time and then move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 4:13am
Hi cruise

Many thanks for the reply, you seem to know what I ve been talking about. The other woman involved still has a number of outstanding issues to sort out before she can move on with her private life, mainly financial and being shadowed by her former boyfriend so it looks like I will have to give her the space and time to do this.

Although she says she will think of me often, she needs to sort these affairs out, as I said in my opening letter the previous relationship she broke up from was violent loveless and left behind a financial mess which she is now on the end of sorting out, in her words when she does this she will then be free to go wherever and do whatever she wants. She says at the moment she has enough to deal with each day without the worry in the back of her mind of someone finding out. She has now decided that she cannot

communicate with me anymore because of this apparent guilt of being caught in the middle.

A lot of things happened to me over this time including an incident involving an aircraft accident that, when it was happening made me realise who and what was important in my life and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wouldnt mind so much but I travel worldwide, been in places and situations most people read about in books or films and never once during my marraige been tempted to stray, then this happens. I could never understand why some men who were seemingly happily married met someone else and moved on, now I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 9:46pm
Well, all I know is that after two people share wedding vows, it is said, "what God has put together, let no man out asunder." God hates divorce. It causes pain, and causes grief. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this situation. I'll pray for you, for strength to hang on to your marriage. Ask yourself this question: Are you unhappy over something that can be fixed? Either through therapy, or through "talking it out," etc.? Are you absolutely sure that your marriage can't be salvaged? Too many marriages end over things that can be worked out. Here are some scriptures that will hopefully make you think about your situation. I offer them to you as help, not as a condemning judgement. I'm no better than you are - we all have skeletons in the closet... Some more so than others. But maybe these verses will help you... and save a marriage. If you have any questions, or need to talk, see my profile and e-mail me. I'll be glad to help you out in any way I can.

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1 Corinthians 7:10,11 -"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife."

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Matthew 5:31-33 - "It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:"

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Matthew 5:27-29 - "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."