Marriage or not?
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| Sat, 05-12-2007 - 3:23am |
I have been dating mike for more 3.5 years and we have lived together for 3 of those. we are happy in almost every respect but that i am unsatisfied in the bedroom. We are engaged and are to be married in august, three months. I have a high libido and mike has a low libido based on him getting very little sleep 4-5 hours a night max., working all the time and being very stressed. I am 23 and mike is 27 and I want sex pretty much every night or at least 4-5 times a week. We often go 2 weeks without sex, even more than a month. Our entire relationship has been this way, with times when the sex is more frequent but not for long and never as frequent as i would like.
My main question is should i marry a man who has never satisfied me sexually and that i cannot assume will change since he has not is 3 years? we argue about this often and it is our main source of friction and truthfuly i worry about cheating on him later out of sexual starvation. but i love him and we don't really fight about anything else. i would really love some help!!

Well, when you are having sex, how often do you have sex? 3 times per week or more?
Have you tried to just talk about it and not fight about it?
There are a couple of ways to look at this:
1)Who is to say that one day you get only 4-5 hours per sleep and get stressed out? One day the tables could turn and it is you who is not physically able to keep up and maybe one day his life relaxes some and he wants it more often. To some people your concerns would seem trivial in the scope of potential marital problems.
2)It is probably safe to say that if he has been like this for the 3 years you have lived together it may never change. If you have concerns as to the reasons why he is not interested in sex, then you can still postpone the wedding and iron this issue out or move on. To other people this issue may overflow to other areas of your life where he behaves passive/aggressively in order to deprive you of what you want in order to hurt you.
Not having sex for month seems like it may be due to things other than his physical state of being. It may not be about sex...it could be like...more about control. When women withhold from men it is about something other than the actual sexual act, but men don't understand and really don't care to understand - so they think their wife is cold in bed -duh. So I am reversing the gender here and interpreting his actions to mean something else. Sure, not every man or woman wants to have sex 7 days a week, but for someone to withhold for over a month means something else to me. In addition, it could also be a way for your SO to withhold something from you that you really want, which is stupid, but it is the rage these days with men. I have heard about this fad for years now. People in general are making sure that they don't give someone what they want or say that they want in order to create some depression and feel as though they can control someone else's feelings. It makes them feel powerful and strong but only makes them look fragile and weak. Sounds cruel and stupid if you ask me. Why would you purposely want to deprive someone from being happy for no reason other than your own ego?
My second ex husband was a dud overall by the time the marriage ended but he didn't appreciate my sex drive either. A while after the divorce was final he mails me a letter stating that he doesn't know why he didn't give me what I wanted in and out of the bedroom and he wanted a second chance. Of course, the answer was no. I got so physically turned off to him, that there wasn't ever even a thought of reconciling with him. I had no respect for him as a husband anymore. In addressing your concerns about cheating on your potential husband, I can safely say in the above mentioned marriage, my ex DID do stupid things so that I would cheat and he could take the house from me. So your concerns are not so far off. I didn't cheat on him. I was tempted, but I knew better than to do something to hurt MYSELF down the road. The only thing I can say...is that if you stay with this guy you'll have to learn to "love yourself" (know what I mean?) a few days a week or potentially a month at a time.
Then again, all you need to do is have a kid and your drive will plummet in no time because you'll be up all hours of the night feeding the kid...hehehe..sorry bad joke.
i really don't think my fiance hold back sex because he wants control over me, it just doesn't seem like him.
When he is being more sexual we have sex maybe once a week. If we have a big arguement about sex then for a week or two he will try harder but then it goes back to infrequent. But i swear i am so much happier when we are having frequent sex.
I have often thought that my sex drive will go down as i get a full time job and have kids and yes when i get busy or stressed my sex drive does go down. But i have to say that i feel that i am
we don't have sex for weeks at a time and also we never kiss or touch each other, i feel like we are roommates.
and i actually am very proficient at pleasing myself lol but it doesn't fill in for the intimacy of sex with my man.
When we argue about sex it usually starts out that we are talking then it just escalates into me yelling. We have argued and argued over the last three years and i have basically given up that anything will change because nothing ever does change.
and i am very against cheating and if it doesn't lead me to cheating later, then I know that I will be very unhappy and resentful. I really feel that this issue will eventually lead to us not being together, but i want to be with him but i feel that i am marrying him knowing that i will be unhappy.
But my fiance is a nice guy and i love him and should i cancel our wedding over this issue. iwant advice but i guess i have to come to my own conclusions.
This is a very important issue.