married man's seduction

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
married man's seduction
10
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 2:31pm
WEll, life is certainly presenting me with opportunities to recognize these attempts at seduction and just be a girl who CAN say NO!! And i'm realizing that I don't know what to actually say to say "NO"!! A completely platonic aquaintance invited me and a friend to meet at a new place to eat and listen to live music. My friend couldn't make so I went alone--had a really nice time--until Mr. Platonic started coming on to me---the guy is married but also his attempt at seduction was so classic that it was insulting. ON one hand pretendings that his interest in me is just two people hanging out--he's getting transferred out of the country in two weeks and his wife has already left. We are a part of an expatriate community so a lot of us hang out together. While on the other hand it is obviously not. At the end of the evening he he really started coming on strong--invited me to his place just because he wanted me to see it???? I didn't go instead said i wanted to go home--so he got me a cab, then called me to make sure I got home OK and started talking how nice it would have been to have me come up and hold me, etc. I told him I was not at all comfortable even going there--talking like that Anyway, he's hinting that he wants to see me again and if he calls again I want to tell him NO--any suggestions exactly WHAT TO SAY to nip this one in the bud because in spite of how much he insists he only wants to be friends it is very obvious that he wants a little fling before he gets transferred out in two weeks. For about 5 minutes it waas tempting because he is attractive and fun--but only five minutes otherwise is was comic and insulting to listen to his lines.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 3:26pm
Simply I don't think it's a good idea I do not feel comfortable in a one on one situation with you, I feel the boundaries between "just friends" are somewhat blurred and I do not feel comfortable putting myself in that type of situation again.

Good luck in your trip.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:59pm
Wow what a creep! I had a similar situation once. The wife found out and blamed me. Go figure. Enough about my personal drama, let's talk about yours. Is this guy a close friend? If so tell him straight. "You creeped me out man and it better not happen again." If he's not a close friend then just be nauseous until he's left town. Then you never have to see him again. After he's gone he's his wife's problem not yours. Just be relieved you aren't her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 11:46pm
Definetely not close friend-the manager of a restaurant i enjoy going to -we've chatted a bit and then i usually say hi and we chat a bit when i go in. I ran into him on the street and he told me he was leaving soon-told me about this very cool place and invited me and my girl friend he sees me with. I thought somethng totally casual and platonic-becfause he is married-he's getting transferred in a couple of weeks and his wife already last weekend. I have lots of male friend-completely platonic-that I can go out and enjoy myself with without any of them coming on to me. Anyway, he may not ever call again but IF HE DOES I WANT TO BE PREPARED WHAT TO SAY. So , if I do run into him again i can justs say hello-- but i certainly don't want to go out with him. He treated the evening as a date and big-time seduction. And then told me he and his wife have this agreement because he really didn't want to get married and they are often separated by distance, blah, blah, blah. --these guys !!! can't they be original in their bs?? I am so proud of myself that I didn't fall for any of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 1:31pm
Ugh yuck! The more you say about this guy the worse he becomes. If he calls honey, say whatever you want. I am personally drawn to a quote from South Park "You go to hell and you die." Lol. I'd say check the caller id and just don't answer. What on earth could you possibly have to talk about with Jerky McJerkerson? If he's just an acquaintance (which it sounds like) then let him ride his ego-pony off into the sunset. Good for you that you dodged the bullet on this one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 6:36pm
Think about how many women he's tried to charm the same way...Think in him becoming a cheater with you....that should do it and just say "no".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:57am
Well the more i think about it the yukkier it seems to me, too. Especially how after we had dinner and a nice coffee-he wanted to walk me past his hotel room--when i asked where we were going he said a little bar down the street. I could tell he just popped into any old Korean place where you get get a beer wasn't even very nice-this was after we'd had dinner and coffee in a nice espensive western style place--After thinking about it--I think he did that just to get more beer in me--to try to get me buzzed enough to come to his room. Then he tried telling me to come see his room, then tried convincing me it was so late that i should stay over on his couch, then called me to make sure i got home and really laid in on thick--like maybe he couldn't get the real thing he's go for phone sex--I just ended the conversation and told him i was uncomfotable with that.

Anyway, he called yesterday and today i also found a message on his machine wanting me to call him. I've been screening my messages and haven't returned his calls. So, what do you think--i should return the calls and tell him again or like you say-justs ignore him. I'm not interested in married men AND I'm certainly not interested in being manipulated dishonestly. The thing is--he spent that whole evening denying what it is he was doing and tried to make it all sound so innocent but it was very clear what he was doing. He is totally an aquaintance-the manager at the ARmy base restaurant i go to and i have just made small talk with him a few times. He is waiting to be transferred as soon as his visa is approved for the next place he goes--we're in a foreign country. Thing is I do go to that restaurant -it is my sanity place-only place to get American food - i suppose if he's there i could just say what coud i say then?? So maybe call him back and break it clean!!!

Yep i am proud that I didn't get sucked into this--but I just listen to him and it was so chrystal clear--his lines were soooo obvious and so classic--what do these guys think we are stupid.

Thanks--i like your spunk sugahgirrl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:00am
karenbfree...

Pianoguy is AMAZED you didn't fire off the following response to Mr. Platonic after he asked you out. You should've asked:

"Is there any way you can put your wife on the phone so I can ask her permission to accept your invitation?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:20am
Hey Pianoguy...

I do NOT need judgement, blame or should haves. How this guy treats his wife is none of my business--how he treated me IS. That is what we are talking about here. I asked for support and feedback what to do about that.

Part of his line was telling me he has his wife's permission to socialize (and more) when she isn't there--so what?? He didn't have MY permission to be manipulative and blurr the lines of appropriate behavior when I told him I was not interested in anything with any married man.

Are you speaking from a man's point of view when you say I should have asked to talk to his wife when he invited me and my friend to meet after work and show us this new place? Do you think that all married men whose spouse has moved out of the country ahead of them and who invites some people to meet after work should be suspect of being swarmy scum?? Do you know something I don't about men? They are all swarmy?

Fortunately, I have other married male aquantinances who have invited me and some friends to meet after work--with or without their wives--if it ends up being just the two of us -- they do NOT come on to me and they are straight up with me and their wives!!

The thing is, this guy was not one of those straight up guys. I realize now why I was so bamboozled about talking to him the next day--he is highly manipulative, overwhelming and twists it all around to sound as if it is not the way it is....

anyway, thanks to the encouragement from the people on this site-I've decided I don't have to be the nice girl who returns all phone calls I get. I ignored his calls the past two days-let the answering machine get them and have decided not to return his calls-----if he does happen to call next weekend and I answer the phone --I may be better ready to tell him I'm not intrested in meeting him again because of his behavior the last time. He's probably moved on to someone else anyway. If I do run into him again--I don't think anymore that I would owe him an explaination for not returning his calls--actually, he owes me an apololgy for ignoring my boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:06am
karenbfree...

Had Pianoguy known his suggestion---which was intended to be "tongue-in-cheek"---was going to make you SO DEFENSIVE---he would've avoided it!

Sorry for upsetting you!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:14pm
Piano guy- Your apology accepted!!tongue-in-cheeck is also-it is a good one, now that I know it wasn't meant seriously. I guess that is the disadvantage of writing those kinds of jokes instead of saying them in person. Anyway, this thread is ending--it has become longer than the evening spent with this creep.