To marry or not to marry...
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To marry or not to marry...
| Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:53am |
I am 37 have been living abroad for about 5 months and have met a guy here (almost 30) I we fell in love and have been together 4 months. I told him of my intent to marry when I found the right one. He told me of his intent to marry as well. He also mentioned his desire to move the the US. Concurently, we had a situation with an ex of mine, who was obsessive about me and wanted to control my new relationship and our future together-in other words, break us up. While it was messy, I got through this situation with the help of my new boyfriend, I cut my ties with my ex and we moved in together. We spoke about the possibility of marriage and our lives together. Since moving in, my boyfriend and I fight quite often-sometimes 3 times per week. These arguments are very intense. Our ambitions and place we have in our lives don't match-I tend to bring up things about him that I know he will need to improve in his life in order to make us work, him work if he goes to the US-he needs a true career, stable income, become responsible for himself and his life as well as me and if we have a family one day. He is from a country were his family (mother) is taking responsibility for him-cleaning, providing food, paying bills, waking him up for work in the morning-all true examples. Unfortunatley, since moving in, I have taken over some of his mothers burden. Additionally, through our entire relationship, since my boyfriend is not financially or professionally stable, I have taken on the responsibility of paying for the majority of our expenses, to include some of his current and past debt. He says he has not been able to provide or be more responsible because he is spending everything on and for me, he wants to provide for me in the life I have and know, so he spends, but this leaves him with no cash in a matter of days and me taking the responsibility of our upcoming expenses. I recentley after three weeks of trying to talk with him about my concerns about this, after an argument and under final pressure from me to change this-put him on a budget, I handle all his incoming cash, and told him to not use his credit accounts. I also told him I would only match his cash input-and I would not contribute or spend anymore than him. This has not been the case-he is spending without money, on credit, and will not be able to support his debt with his next paycheck. This will leave me to pay the tab again. Overall, I feel his life and ambitions don't necessarily match mine-to further establish my career, aquire more assets, save more money but also make enough to enjoy my life to its fullest and know I can provide for my family one day. I know I can't change him, but also feel if he wants me, he needs to step it up a bit. I have been independent, financially secure, and responsible for over 16 years. For lack of better terms, I don't want to become his new mommy. During our arguments, he tends to bring up circumstances from my past I cannot change, my ex and general things about my personality that are hurtful but not true. He threatens not wanting to marry me, and he leaves me-walks out of the house, often repeatedly during an argument, yet comes back. A little over a week ago, he proposed to me. We had been at a party, and both not in the best mindset to take such an important decision with clear conscious. Yet, since it was my first proposal, I was excited and did accept. I did tell him of some of my concerns and need to wait until things became more equal and solid between us and the lives we are leading before a wedding. Since the proposal, the fighting has not stopped. Now instead of just leaving the house, he has called off our engagement twice this past week during arguments. The next day he says he is sorry and that he didn't mean to do what he did and he still wants to marry me. He mentions wanting to work on changing and making his life better. We are to go back to the US in December, to visit my family. He won't be able to support this trip monitarily at the rate he is going-for himself let alone me. I also have not told any other family members, outside of my mother, of our engagement. I am not feeling secure about my decision to marry him because of him breaking the engagement twice so soon after a proposal and having to make excuses for his life or lack thereof. He is a very nice guy, I know he has a heart of gold, and truly loves me-but is all of this too much? Can this relationship work? Do I stay in his country and try to establish myself here with little or no promise or do I go back to the life I know, and am quite honestly missing. I miss the US and know ultimatley my life is not here. Am I jeapardising being trapped or loosing the life I had and know? I hate being a heart breaker, and it will totally devastate him if I leave. I have told him before he is leaving me little option, and he has threatened suicide and has also said that he will not let me leave without a fight-which may include the law here (under what terms I do not know). I am considering leaving and not saying anything, but this also feels so cold to me. I love this guy-but it does not seem like enough. How can I break off this engagement wisely?

i recently attended a super seminar (by a great lady) about relationships. one of her messages to the females in the group was "don't do for a man what he should do for himself", and honey, you are doing all of it. a relationship is a shared adventure, but you need to see your own boundaries. you can only give 100% of 50% of the relationship. anything beyond that is just plain unhealthy. think about what's best for you... i'm sure you'll make the right choice.
good luck
xx
He is not going to committ suicide if you leave him, many many unstable people threaten that upon the threat of a break up. Life will go on, and he will be a handful for some other woman soon enough. Get your stuff ready and packed, and leave; you can talk to him before, but if he is that unstable, I'd do it after the fact.
Godd luck, it's the best choice. You go find who you really want, so you can marry smart!
I like the point about "a woman should not do for a man what he can do for himself". That is soooo true. What have you really gained from this relationship from this man? His debt, his bad spending habits, and his expenses. He can tell you he loves you til he's blue in the face, but he's just with you because he is getting from you the things he can't be bothered to do himself. You say his mother did everything for him, so why are you picking up where she's leaving off? I'm sure that she's really grateful that you're taking over for her. But really, at 30, he's set in his ways and has no reason to change.
What would happen if you move to the US and get married? I'll tell you what I think: you would move there, and when the time allowance of an immigrant married to a US citizen is up, he will divorce you. But then he will be entitled to half your money and assets, even if they were all acquired by and paid for by you. So you will not only have no husband, lose half your assets, money and life, but may also be liable for spousal support if you're supporting him during the marraige because he didn't work.
Is that what you want to look forward to?
I think you should pack up, move back to the US and leave this guy to his mother.
Alison
Honey, you KNOW this isn't right.
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