Meet the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Meet the kids?
13
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:23am
I've been with my guy for 4 months now. I am deeply involved with him. I have two teenagers that are 15 and 17 and he has a son that is 14. I have never dated a guy with kids before and I am not sure how to proceed with this. Me and my guy are awesome together and I really want to tell him how strongly I feel about him however, I think I want to see how things will go once we factor the kids into the equation before I give him my whole heart. He comes over my house and lately has been staying over every other night so my kids know him and like him and as my older son says "I'll take him out for ya mom, if he ever pisses you off" LOL but what I am really looking for advice on here is how to approach the subject of spending time with his son. He sees his son everyday after school and then goes home to his mother at dinner time and then he usually will spend the weekend days with Dad and maybe sleep over one night. I really want to be able to let his son get to know me and my kids and me get to know him before I lay too much on the line. Kids are the priority in our lives and while I know how my kids feel and what they think about my honey, I don't know what my honey has told his son about me, etc.etc. His son did sleep over my house one night. My honey and I went out and his son stayed at my house with my sons. According to my kids, they had a good time. But I didn't really get a chance to talk to his son. So after all this rambling, I would like to know what you all think about meeting the kids. Should I wait longer to mention it or do you think after 4 months of dating its appropriate to want to do something that involves the kids so his son can get to know me a little. And I am really not sure how to approach the subject either. Any advice, help, words of wisdom from someone who has been in this situation, would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:16pm
In my personal opinion it is a bad message to send to children to have a man who you are not married to and who is not their father sleeping over especially in the same room with you. As far as meeting his kids I would have minimal involvement at this point and only increase the involvement if and when you are seriously talking about getting engaged soon. I would not do sleep overs especially with adolescents until you are married. My personal opinion and one that I have come to have based on my reading up on the subject, mostly from Dr. Joy Browne.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:07pm

It's hard for me to give any objective advice because I am so dismayed by your cavalier attitude towards forcing your teenagers to witness your sex life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:09pm
Wow! You guys are tough. I have read alot of your posts and Deena33's also. And I expected the responses I have received so far. I do not have a cavalier attitude about my kids "witnessing" my sex life. Before he began staying the night I did have a good conversation with my boys about it. I needed to know how they felt about it and that they were okay with it. If they expressed any hesitancy about it at all I would not let him stay over. I am a human being and while my boys have girlfriends, they know that I too have relationships (and for your information this is only the 3rd guy I have dated since my divorce 10 years ago and one guy I lived with for 5 years and the other my boys never met because I did not feel that that relationship was going to be a long term one, so I am not continually parading men in front of my boys). I am in love with this guy and we have already begun to talk about a future and both of us has stated bluntly that we are not going anywhere. My boys are the most important part of my life and I want them to know the man and approve of him before I decide to get engaged. My kids can see my happiness and that in turn, makes them happy. I believe that they would be very hurt and angry if all of a sudden one day I said "boys, this is joe and we are engaged, hope you like him and if not too bad". That's not me. I need to know that my kids and my SO will get along BEFORE I decide if I am going to marry him. So springing him on my kids is not an option for me and I would not let them meet him if I wasn't serious about him. My kids and I have talked about sex and safe sex and all of that. They know that humans do it and they are not afraid to talk about it or ask questions if they have any and I like that. While we are affectionate in front of my kids (as my boys are with their girlfriends in front of me) holding hands or putting arms around each other, I don't say "geez boys we are going to go have sex now, so please ignore the screams you hear". He sleeps over yes, the kids don't know if we are having sex or not (and yes, they have probably made their assumptions, but we do not make it blatant). So while I appreciate your responses, I do disagree with your opinions that you should not have your kids meet your SO until you are engaged. That would be awful for my kids, I would never not include them like that. We are all entitled to our own opinions and we can agree to disagree on this point. But my stance is still that my kids SHOULD most definitely get to know my SO before I make the decision to get engaged or not because their feelings will be considered as part of my decision to marry again or not. My boys are my first priority and no man will ever come first.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:25pm

I never said wait until you are engaged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:36pm
Yes, we apparently do have different values. I do value marriage and I choose to live with a person before I make the marriage commitment. I want to know every nook and cranny about a man before I marry and I want him to know the same about me. I choose not to go through another divorce. I did not live with my EX prior to getting married and we were definitely not compatible. But that is neither here nor there. We have different values apparently. I do appreciate your responses though. Getting married is a huge step and I want my boys to know how huge that step really is and how important it is to be sure that is what you want to do and that all is right. I have a good relationship with my boys and I do hope that they learn something from what I have been through regarding relationships. Maybe 4 months is too soon to really know a person but while we are very serious about our relationship we are jumping in to moving in together or anything just yet and we won't be doing that until the kids are fully involved and are in agreement with it all. that is what's important to me and my SO. Thanks again for sharing your opinion, even though different from mine, it is still good to look at everything from different angles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:54pm
I will repeat that I think it sends a bad message to children especially adolescents if their parents have a person sleeping over in the next room who is not their parent or a spouse of their parent where it is a romantic relationship. I am not surprised that you misinterpreted and exxagerated my response to suit your own needs.

Good luck - especially to your children - and I hope you reconsider - I never said they shouldn't meet them till engaged - please don't misinterpret to evade the real issues I raised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:58pm
If you want to live together prior to marriage then why not do so once your children are not living at home anymore? I do not believe we are "entitled" to a romantic relationship especially once you make the choice to have children and take on all the responsibilities that go along with it - you made your choice and if you want the privilege of having children there are tradeoffs in many ways including with respect to who you subject them to in this context. I understand what you want but where does the best interests of your children factor into it? It doesn't really seem to and I hope you decide to look at objective psychological studies done on the impact on children of what you are doing. Whether you believe in living together prior to marriage should be trumped by what is in the best interests of your children, but let's agree to disagree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 3:33pm
I believe that the best interests of my children is to not shelter them to the real world so that they will go on to live on their own with their eyes wide open as to what life is all about and they will know how to handle different situations that life will present them with. I think that not living together before getting married is extremely old-fashioned and if that is what you choose to do then that is great for you and I respect that, I just believe that this day in age that is less often the case and I believe in living together prior to marriage. I also believe that I am entitled to have a life in addition to having my children. Yes, I had my children and I wanted my children and I would not trade them for anyone or anything and I have made many sacrifices in my life for my children and will continue to do so. My children thrive in a happy home and that is what I choose to give them, a happy home life. That happy home life includes mom being happy too as long as it does not adversely affect my children, then I see no problem with me having a relationship. Because I chose to get divorced from their father, that does not mean that I must succomb to a life of living alone until they move out. That is ridiculous. But if that is what you believe in, that is your choice. As for your Dr Joy Brown crap and your psychological studies, those studies and joy brown never studied my kids and no one knows them as well as I do and I do not believe that they will grow up to be monsters just because mom decided to live with her boyfriend before marrying him, that's ridiculous too. But if you choose to live by a book of studies, that is again, your choice, but not realistic, IMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 3:52pm
That's the typical response - so the real world means your kids have to be exposed to mommy having sex with some man under the same roof? So why not also take them to strip clubs and get them porn magazines now and drugs since that is part of the real world too? I don't buy your slippery slope argument - showing kids the real world need not involve them knowing mom is having sex in the same house - believe me they are bombarded with sex and sexual images all over - you obviously are making that choice because you having a life - which you define as being able to have sex in your own bed as opposed to a hotel and get a babysitter - trumps the best interests of your children. Of course you deserve to be happy - and when you chose to have kids you chose to prioritize their best interests over your happiness in some cases - so a mother who wants to run off to a carribean island for a week and abandon her kids should do so so that she can be happy? Kids care whether mom is able to take care of them and is emotionally balanced - what makes you happy sometimes has to be adjusted if you have children, at least to me.

I really feel sorry for your kids and for the way you rationalize your prioritizing having an orgasm over their well being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jan8789
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:37pm
I think you need to have an orgasm, maybe then you will lighten up a little. I agree to disagree on this point and will leave it at that.

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