meeting my family

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
meeting my family
7
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 6:51pm
i met a guy online about a year ago and we talked via email and phone for about 8 months before he came down to see me .. and when me met, we knew we wanted to contnue to see each other. Both of us (from the get-go) were going into this with a serious thing in mind .. what i mean is that we were not casually dating. the past 4 months, i've gone to see him twice, second time met his family as well. He is coming to see me soon, and i asked him whether he wanted to meet my mom and sis. His answer bothered me. He said... it depends... are they going to think it's really serious if they met me.. meaning we are gonna get married.... it kinda offended me. True, my family is kinda traditional, but so is his. How should I handle this ? I feel like we should be at a different level .. but he phrases things in such a way that makes me doubts his seriousness and leaves me questioning things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:29am
Remind him that you've already met his family. Ask him if HIS family thought you two were serious (getting married and picked out the name of your first born). Tell him "I wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea. Geeze! WHY didn't I think of this possibility, BEFORE I met your family?" This guy is not into the commitment thing. My ex bf, took at least a year before he met my family and after that, he never wanted to spend time with my family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:42am

hmm... u know what...i just have this feeling that he is just wanting to go slow, nothing else. you have met HIS family, which i am sure is a big deal for a man. did the family just "spontaneously happen" to be there when you went, or was it "arranged by him"? inanycase, if he is that concerned about going slow, then i am sure he told his family too that nothing final is decided, but he does like you and you ARE a potential.

so from what it sounds, i think it is going naturally, and just because you have met his family does not mean that he has to meet yours immediately. if you really think this is something u WANT...that is, introducing him to your family, just reassure him that you will make sure your family knows that you both are only dating, and you both want to take your time to get to know one another and be sure of a future together. once he knows yuor family is not going to immediately start thinking of him as their future son-in-law, then he might become more relaxed.

if you do feel he is not serious about you..then perhaps u r right..because you do know him better. but i get the feeling that everything is fine. he is just wanting to take it slow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:28am
he arranged a meeting with his family.. a dinner out at a fancy restaurant... i do know he likes to take it slow ... even before he waited 8 months before coming to see me .. because he wanted to get to know each other and establish a bond before we actually met.
It's just that i don't like it when he makes it a point to say "it does not mean we're getting married tomorrow". I know that.. especially since I'm not emotionally ready with him yet to take that step... but i have never said these words to him: i'm not ready yet cause my feeling are not yet there. I know it will get there... with the LDR , it's hard.
Should i point that out to him.. that saying those things bother me somewhat?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 4:44pm


well, looks like you are both on the same page...you are both wanting to take it slow.
so that is well and good. and yes, it is a little hard with long distance relationships. i think it tends to go a lot slower.

just that, perhaps he is a little more straightforward and direct? and perhaps doesn't want to feel pressurized and dones't want to be taken wrong, hence he is sending the signal that he does want to go slow? and you are not emotionally there yet but Are interested to pursue a relationship and see how it goes...this is perfectly natural.

i see nothing wrong in talking about it. but if you feel, you are both comfortable with the pace and there seems to be an innate understanding, then you don't have to actually put it in words. if you feel you do need to clarify things and he just "might" have the wrong idea about you or your feelings, and if you are feeling like he is pressuring you in anyway or making you feel uncomfortable about something, then it makes sense to have a talk. but make sure to use the right words. you don't want to make this an "issue" and be misunderstood, when things are going fine and you both like each other.

take care...
all the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 3:04pm
Well you are still just getting to know each other and you have met his family so he isn't "hiding" you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 4:12pm
so i did speak to him about this and he gave me conflicting words.. on one hand he says that he thought about it and he wants to meet them (he called me to say this cause he realized it bothered me). But then he says he said it cause he doesn't want to be pressurized .. and by meeting my family ..that it is more emphasized .. and if things don't work out, it will hit me more... seeing he met my family and all. so i say to him, it's the same cause i met his family and maybe we should have waited for that as well?? he says that he's cool with it now and wants to meet. Maybe i should just let it go and not have them meet. my mom is prob. very curious to see who this guy is that i'm travelling across the US to see and will see in the future... she has no clue what he's like at all. i don't know, am i blowing this out of proportion? cause this has upset me, especially his negativity over how things may not work out between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 6:32pm

he "might" be negative about things not working out(perhaps he has seen too many broken relationships...can u blame him..so don't take it personally), but that does not mean he is stopping himself from getting to know "you", although at his own pace. if he was completely shut, he wouldn't have shown his interest in you, come to see you, or introduced u to his family.

u did have the choice to say 'no' to meeting his family, but you didn't. u were fine with it. but this doesn't mean that he should feel the same way. if he wants YOU to not feel hurt, then he might agree to meet ur family, as he has now, to make u happy.

since u r both still new to each other, i am not holding this against him.

he has already taken quite a few steps in the direction of being with you. i understand how you mom might be interested in meetin him. it was the same with me. my bf lives long distance. my mom was curious about him too (she lives long distance too)...so it so happened, that when she was visiting me, he was here as well. ofcourse, we did have prior knowledge that she was going to be here so i dont know if he "planned" his visit so he could see her, or he just happened to be in town. his parents live in another country, and when his mom travelled to come see him, we were still in the "really early stages" so i decided to not go see his mom, even though he asked me to visit with her. this has nothing to do with him personally. it was just that i was highly uncomfortable meeting his mom and i didnt want to deal with any pressures or expectations. we r all traditional families too.

perhaps ur bf does need more time in order to feel that he is ready to meet ur parents.
he probably thinks he has to be really sure about you, before he meets them.
but if you feel that he is OK now and wont mind meeting ur mom, then u can plan on having them meet.

go with the flow.
u will know when the right time is.

but make sure, that when they DO meet, your boyfriend is in a good mood, and is comfortable. if he is meeting them resentfully, then there rather be no meeting.