meeting the parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
meeting the parents
3
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:56am

I've been dating someone for the past few months. We're going for a visit/vacation to my hometown (about 1500 miles from where I currently live and where he's from). By the time we go on the trip we will have dated for about 5 months.

This is my predicament: I don't see my family that often and would like to plan a lunch/dinner with each of them (parents are divorced) during our short stay (2 night) in town before travelling around to some other areas. My problem is is that he's ambivalent about meeting them and while I'd like for him to, he just says "it's up to you, I'm ok either way". I don't know, am I being silly for wanting to discuss this any further or should I just drop it and leave it up to how we feel in the moment when we're there? I guess if he feels ambivalent about it I feel weird asking him to come along as if I was trying to force something and just rather not feel like I'm dragging him into something. Perhaps he's just not wanting to say he wants to but really does? I guess I just feel irritated when someone says "I'll leave it totally up to you". It makes me want to respond in kind: if I meet my parents during the trip for dinner that I'd "leave it totally up to him if he wanted to come along or not".

Am I over-thinking/reacting to this? I find it irritating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:26am
I think you are overreacting. If he says, " It's up to you, I dont care either way " Than you could call his bluff if you wanted to and say fine, then I've made upmymind and I want you to, and see what he says then. By him telling you it doesn't matter one way from another I think he's open to the idea. Put yourself in in his shoes, if he asked you to meet his parents after 5 months, and they didn't live close by and you hadn't talked about a serious furture together would you just jump up and say " yeah I wanna meet them, sure no problem " Nah,more than likely you'd let him choose as to whether or not he wanted you there. And maybe you think that by him meeting them it's gonna become more serious than you possibly want so you're making an issue out of nothing. In my opinion, you know the old saying, " you're making a mountain out of a mole hill " well thats how i see it, no big deal, tell him what you want, in a nice way and not a pushy way and see where it goes from there. Relax. Hope it works out the way you want it to. Lynette
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:06am

I doubt very much that he wants to meet your parents but is not saying so. I think it's probably the opposite--he doesn't really want to meet them but doesn't want to offend you by saying it outright.

I would make your plans with your parents and let him know that you'd love for him to join you and he is welcome to do so, but you're not going to make the decision for him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:39pm
Thank you (and Lynette) for that perspective on the situation. Honestly, I would LOVE for him to meet my family but I realize there is a bundle of expectations that go along with that for me -- and I see that we aren't in line with those with where we're at right now. I don't feel like involving my family with another "friend" that they'll wonder about. I would really like for things to be solid before I have to face questions about who he is, how he is, what he does, what his family's like...etc., etc, etc --I understand those are natural questions from a family after you "bring someone home" no matter how much you emphasize the word "FRIEND", but I guess I don't want to have to be accountable for all of that until I'm much more certain of where we're heading and we're much more solid as a couple (if that happens). Not unlike being committed before having sex rather than trying to work that out afterwards. It's not like my family has any bearing whatsoever on my choice of mates so I don't need their opinion about him or anything. Does that make sense or do you see "nutters" written all over this one? ;-)