men and emotions???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
men and emotions???
6
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:39pm
Alright, I have been going out with a guy from my work for over 3 months now. He is 25, I am 22. Everything is going alright, except for one thing. This guy CANNOT talk about his feelings/emotions.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to know what he is thinking or how he feels towards me. A few months ago when I asked him about how he feels about "me", his response was "I am in love with your shape but I cannot say anything in words" I don't think I will EVER hear the 3 little words from him. Whenever in any random conversation I even hint towards feelings or emotions in our relationship, he immediately changes the subject. Once when we were having an argument and I said something in effect of "it would have been better if we had never started going out in the first place" I could tell he was hurt and he said "oh and I don't have emotions at all then?" Does he think I can read minds or something since he never shows any emotion, he doesn't get angry/sad/excited very easily...he is just a very "down the middle" kind of guy...

Does anyone have ANY suggestions as to how to deal with it? It used to frustrate me more before, now I am getting used to it...any experiences? I am sure I am not the only gal with a man who is like this!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:43am
wind1valley...

Pianoguy was fascinated by the words: "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SHAPE!" This clearly was an indication that the man you've been dating has a sexual fixation of some sort...or that you are 'built' so remarkably different from other women that lots of OTHER MEN "love your shape" too!

Speaking from a male point of view, if this guy hasn't gotten up the guts to say I LOVE YOU or some other term of endearment after 3 months...don't expect it! Also...if the 2 of you were to ever link up (marriage or live-in), the man's coldness would only increase!

Face it...you want your b/f to respond with a few 'sweet nothings'---and all he is giving you is NOTHINGS---your disappointment and arguments will probably increase? Pianoguy knows that there ARE men who can't express themselves. As hard as you may try to get them to 'open up' and share their innermost thoughts...a lot of 'em can't...or won't!

But since you've made it clear in your post that you need some 'verbiage'---and your b/f

doesn't seem to want to provide you with any---is it more important to ignore your frustrations? Or seek out somebody who can at least say: "I like your hair or your dress?!"

Sorry...but the words: "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SHAPE" makes the man sound like a moron...to me, anyway!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:41am
Feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not what you assess while determining what to do in situations. Feelings are a result of your THOUGHTS/PERCEPTIONS/GOALS of self and life in general - in light of the 'situation at hand'.

A man who says "I like your shape" is simply telling you that he has no desire for "an emotional relationship' at this time in his life with anybody. HE likes "being around you" - because you're attractive and fun but he is involved with the "attraction/fun"- not with YOU as an individual.

You're just making a huge mistake. You want a relationship. Therefore you have "feelings" about every situation in which he's involved - because without a partner - you cannot "have a relationship."

He doesn't want a relationship. Therefore every situation in which you two are involved is not a threat, or a "step up" towards a goal. Every situation is enjoyed for what it is - not analyzed and reviewed to determine if "this is going where I want."

The moment is what he's living in -the future is what you're working for. You are trying to compare apples to oranges - it willnot work.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:57am
I know all to well about the aloof guy. The guy that shows no emotion. This is a dangerous guy to be involved with. It is dangerous because you can allow yourself to fall in love with him while he is trying hard not to let you in on what he is really feeling.

Let's say you do fall in love with him and you THINK that things are going good. Later down the line you discover that he is not as in to u=you as you are him. Who's to blame here? Certainly not him because he never verbalized any type of strong feelings or made any commitment promises to you. When a man is into you he will have no problem letting you know. Besides all that why do you think he would be in love with you after only 3 months? There is a big difference between love and lust. It takes much longer than 3 months to even get to know somebody, let alone fall inlove with them. You are vry young and I would recommend dating others and not trying to fall in love with the first guy that pays you some attention. You will probably scare him away if you keep asking him to confess his feelings for you. In all honesty he may not know what they are yet, it has only been 3 months. Guys don't like to fee; like they are being pressured to be in a relationship. Guys like relationships that are fun, easily defined, and no nonsense. All of the " Do you love me" questions could be driving a wedge between you guys and you haven't even gotten started yet. Take things slow, you may realize that you don't like him as much as you think you do.

Hope this helps.

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:29am
I didn't mean that I want him to say "i love you" now, I know it's only been 3 months and I don't even feel comfortable saying that to him because it is not love as of right now. I am just worried about "the future", I don't know if I can handle a man who will never say "i love you"...I think I just need to step back and chill out and not take things too seriously and see where it goes...thanks again for your inputs everyone :)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:21am
Is this really worth it? His dishonesty alone would be a dealbreaker for me...but when you add in all the other things you've posted about with him, and you've only been dating for three months! To have all these problems already? Yikes.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:08pm
wellll...I think I jumped the gun on the dishonesty issue. He actually was not lying when he said that it was not him driving the car (which I thought he was). So I think I need to chill out with it, which is exactly what I am doing. I am not taking our relationship very seriously and just basically going with the flow. It is not like I have to make some serious time investments in him or otherwise, so I see no harm in continuing to see him...we'll see where it all goes, if anywhere