Men are too confusing ...
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Men are too confusing ...
| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:29pm |
I started dating this guy five months ago. He lied to me about his age (he was 21) and it of course was as disastrous as everyone said that it would be. I then met another guy who was younger (only 2 years) but obviously immature. He was gorgeous, a father, but too immature for my liking, however he had some great qualities. I chose to only be his friend and spent time having a friendship with him. Then I started dating this guy who was younger than I by 2 years. This guy has his stuff together and is someone I would definitely would consider having a long term with. From what I have seen he is mature for his age. I have only been dating him for 2 months and we have known each other for a year. I really like him. He is good looking, successful at the age of 25, he can cook, and he is really hot. I just don't think it will work logically speaking. He just got out of a 4 year relationship not too long ago. Apparently I am the first he has dated since the break-up. I do not foresee someone of his age hooking up with an older single mom. Not that I am that much older but my son is 9. Knowing that this may not work out is it a crime to stay and see if it might? Or is it something I should let be?
Note:
I did talk to him about what he wanted and he did say he was not looking for a relationship at the time. At the time I agreed I didn’t want one either because I was juggling too much. I then realized that I was starting to like this guy but I haven’t allowed my emotions to play into it. His actions tell me he might want more. Like offering to paint my house and go on walks with me and silly stuff like that. He always wants to get together (we have busy schedules) and never bails out. I have bailed several times and he keeps calling. It has not been easy dating me with my schedule. See I am so confused. Should I just stay away from younger guys period!

He sounds like prime fling material...long term? You can't have a guarantee upfront, you have to state your case and take it one day at a time.
The guy is saying "I do not wnat a relationship". He willing to have fun, sex, share interests, conversations, and companionship - but what he does not want is the obligation to meet someone's needs or consider them when planning his pursuing his future.
That is what a relationship requires...and that is what he is not doing.
He's living in the moment with you - he's enjoying whatever is available when you're around...and he's not considering you as integral to his future, or his responsibility to be concerned with.
Which is what dating is...particularly when you're told up front - "I do not want a serious relationship".
Anybody that you spent time, energy, effort, with/on - you're going to invest in. Be it platonically, romantically, professionally or otherwise.
You're now realizing that you do "want a relationship" because you've invested in him. The reality is -you've wanted a relationship all along, have spent time with him and thus invested in the possibility of that with him...and he's not wanting a relationship and so no aount of time he spends is an investment in a future with you.
It's not that you're damaged goods becuase you're a single parent...but you are a single prent and have an obligation NOT to involve all these men in your child's life. Not that you are now...just pointing it out.
So, the bottom line is - this situation has forced you out of denial. What you are really wnating in your life is a partner - a relationship.
So that means it is your obligation to yourself so that you can get what you want/need - to date people that also share the base desire for a partner and relationship...not someone looking to have fun, sex, companionship with no investment in the future.
Which doesn't mean that everyobdy you day is a potential partner per se...but it does mean that if you know somene does not want what you want...you continuing to invest in them and with you is you being in denial that "you" will not change what they want.
It is not "being with hiim" that made you want a relationship. But it is you thinking that - that would inspire you to ocntinue to date him thinking "if I just hang with this long enough he'll want a relationship" - and that is entirely untrue.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
"It's not that you're damaged goods becuase you're a single parent...but you are a single prent and have an obligation NOT to involve all these men in your child's life. Not that you are now...just pointing it out. "
I wanted to touch on this. I do not see my self as damaged goods. I have dated men in the past that have viewed me this way and I have become more than aware of this perception. Therefore I am guarded as to who I involve into my family. Not any man becomes boyfriend. I have to know that they can accept a package deal. My child is my priority and always will be. The reason why I have canceled dates with him is mainly due to my responsibility as a mother. I will never again let someone put me in a position of choosing my priorities. This is why I agree that you should wait an extended period of time before introducing a man to your child. I see many girls who don’t understand this concept and I see many children suffer from it.
Now onto the rest of your response. I can definitely see where you are coming from and I thank you for your advice. As you know there is always more. The reason I was not interested in a relationship with him at the time was because I was preoccupied with idea of dating for fun. Then I realized that this person had something special. He has qualities that I like. I really didn’t see any of this until we hung out this last time. I mentioned something to him that I could see myself with him, however I was skeptical because I thought he should get out and date more because he was in a long and serious relationship prior to me. His response was confusing at the time. He told me that it wasn’t for me to decide that he should date more and that we should go with the flow (something like that, not verbatim). But there really wasn’t a yes or no answer or clear communication on this issue. The fact remains that he knows I am interested in the possibility of a long term with him. And I know he is on the fence. As you stated I can take it for what it is or I can leave it.
We have plans this weekend….. I think I will take it from there.