men with baby..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
men with baby..
6
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:22am

my latest date has a little child (a couple of years old). he loves it more than anything else and gives it more priority than anything or anyone else. he exposes pictures of his failed relationship (the happy times together) in his office. and rushes to see it any time he can even if he than has to cancel plans with me.

i am not sure if he is emotionally not open for me only, or for any woman in general. bottom line is i feel rejected and ignored even if he is kind and sweet with me, i am always second.

how do i deal with this?
i tried talking to him but he denies any attachment to his former relationship and claims to be emotionally open for me, yet he sais he is not ready for a new relationship.(?)

my gut tells me he is struggeling and by continuing to date him i am getting in a struggel that is not mine....

i am a little overwhelmed with this situation, and his denial of the situation.

also i might want a family of my own in a couple of years and he already has one, so how much should *I* allow myself to get emotionally involved?

I am emotionally withdrawing myself and i let him know that i dont want to interfere in an already existing relationship-but he denies to have one...

he talked about a plan he has with me in 10 years! oh, well, in 10 years from now i want to have a child and a husband. and he already has a child and never wants to marry.
but he thinks we will still be 'going out'on a superficial base in 10 years and he is working on changing my character to make it fit better to his.(?)

well, hmm...conflict of interest!

...i feel like sneaking out the back door and avoiding the unavoidable talk, but i know this is not going to work!

...i could also just simply surprise him with the news that i am getting married or moving in with someone else, so he has to accept it.

anyone ever been in this situation?
how did you deal with it?
how did you 'talk' about it with him?

keep your heads up,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:40pm
I don't think I can help you here because I know that dating a man with a child means coming in after child, job, and friends. Maybe you would do better dating a guy with an adult child - I don't know how old you are - or a kid going off to college so there is not so much care taking that is necessary anymore. I have never dated a guy seriously who had kids so I am at a loss to help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:10pm

I'm really confused here...the guy says he doesn't want a relationship, yet talks about you together in ten years and also discusses your "situation"? Does he or doesn't he? How long have you been dating? That's just my take, but it seems like something that needs to be addressed.

Secondly, how long have they been broken up? Have you met her? How long have you been seeing each other? How did they part ways? All of these are important things to know/deal with before getting involved further.

I must say though that although you yourself want children, if you aren't willing to date a man with a child, this should be added to your "dealbreaker" list and then don't do it again. Yes, you will always be second to a child, but children always will come first, whether you are married and have children with your SO or not.

You should read over your post...you referred to his child as "it" repeatedly. Have you met his child?

My guy has a younger son (he's 3) and I've never dated someone with children before. It's not an issue to me. In fact, it actually makes me love him more...seeing that his is a devoted, caring, loving father (and I'm not a woman who is children-obsessed either!)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:05pm

Well you're calling his baby 'it.' That 's not a good start. It's admirable he rushes to see his child whenever he can. Does that mean he's also rushing to see his ex? Not necessarily


Has she said he never wants to marry, never wants to have more kids?

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 12:14pm

thank you for your answers.
yes, it is wrong to say 'it'.. i am in my 30's and too young to be dating a man with a grown up child.

i have no contact to his son, i never met her or anyone of his close circle besides his friends. and some of his male friends hit on me infront of him.- i rejected this, but he never said a word about it.

he does not tell me where he goes he might be going somwhere else, not to her not her son.. i dont know..and i dont care anymore.

i know him since 6 months and he started out very romantic and acting like he is in love.

than he turned 120degrees different after i asked who that woman and the child on his desk are...

... he became unreliable..

.. told me he wants no relationship ever again in his life..

.. and build up a wall around him...

i wish i would have never asked.
but i did and now after 6 months of dating i give up.

this man has been hurt.
he has been bruised too heavily to ever open up again.
and he is hurting me.

he sais all he wants to do with his life now is to party, go out and have fun...
he sais i make him stress regardless of what i say or do..

i can not make it right..
if i ask him what his plans for the weekend are he sais i create stress for him...
i think my breathing is causing him stress...my pure existence is stress for him...
so i get out of his life now...

i want a real realtionship with someone who is exclusive, commited and not a freak.

fact is that he creates stress for me!..
his unreliability is not bareable..
he called me yesterday at 4 am! to chatt!!
talk about a responsible father?!.. i think this is a man with issues.....

keep your heads up,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 12:21pm

This guy doesn't sound like he has it together and not approachable, so it is safe to say that you would be better off without him.

"some of his male friends hit on me infront of him.- i rejected this, but he never said a word about it." - I would have told him that these guys are obviously not your friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 1:57pm

This guy has told you who he is and what he wants, it's time for you to believe him and move on.

good luck,
YG