Men likely to commit w "no pressure?"
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| Mon, 02-06-2006 - 1:53pm |
Hey everyone-
You may remember my post from last week about exclusivity and sexual involvement, and when to bring up the subject....... I've got a rant about men related to this topic.
In the past six months or so, I've been involved with two men who I felt a real connection with. In both cases, prior to getting to the point of being sexually involved with them, I made it clear that I felt comfortable in moving in that direction only in the context of a one-on-one relationship. In both cases, the men said that they were not into dating in a monogamous context, and that exclusivity just wasnt for them.
Recently, I ran into one of them, and he was out with a woman. He e-mailed me shortly after that, and asked how I was doing, etc. then on his own volition continued on to tell me that he had been dating this woman for a while now, and that because it had built in a slow, "non-pressured" way he was feeling like he wanted to be only with her. Keep in mind I didn't exactly ask for this info! Anyway, I wrote back and said I was happy that he found someone he felt like that about, wished him well, and asked if the topic of monogamy had arisen between them. He replied that it had not, and that was one of the reasons he felt he wanted to be with her. Because she had not "pressured" him.
Questions for you- do you think that being clear on your own boundaries, ie. telling men that sex without exclusivity is not in your plans, is "pressuring" them? He sure as heck thought so....... thoughts????
Thanks!

<< do you think that being clear on your own boundaries, ie. telling men that sex without exclusivity is not in your plans, is "pressuring" them? He sure as heck thought so....... thoughts???? >>
Nope, nothing wrong with that at all. Just keep in mind that timing is critical. When you said << I made it clear that I felt comfortable in moving in that direction only in the context of a one-on-one relationship >> ... letting him know that is great. However, if you're letting a guy know that a) before it's at all intimate or b) very early on, first, second date ... perhaps even the first month ... what he could be thinking is "sure, I like her, but I don't know yet that I like her ENOUGH to be considering what she's asking me to consider."
They're hearing, I want a monogamous, exclusive relationship ... and if you've only been dating a month or so ... or a few dates ... that's "pressure" to a guy. He may want a relationship, but he doesn't know yet that he wants a relationship with YOU ... so, they'll say "I don't want that" as to not give you hope that he will want a relationship with you.
Because, you see, women have a way of applying generalities to themselves personally ... a guy might say "I want a relationship" (eventually) ... but, what she hears is "I want a relationship ... with you." So, she reads more into it than it is at present moment.
<< then on his own volition continued on to tell me that he had been dating this woman for a while now, and that because it had built in a slow, "non-pressured" way he was feeling like he wanted to be only with her.>>
Sounds like he was trying to send you some sort of message. Not sure why other than as a way of saying "this is what works."
But, only you know what works for you. I would tend to agree that, for me, building relationships in a slow, 'non-pressured" way works for MOST men ... that's been my experience, at least.
You might just want to change your approach on HOW you say it, how you bring it up ... I'm not sure how soon you're bringing up the exclusivity/monogamy talk ... but, you may want to give a guy a little more time to get to know YOU ... to get to know whether or not he wants a relationship with you, before getting too heavy.
The word "monogamy" in and of itself can be a scary word for a guy (as it's primarily associated with marriage). I'd avoid this word all together (in fact, I've never used the word "monogamy" with a guy ... it just sounds so structured and formal, that actually, it turns me off, too!) "Exclusive" ... in the context of relationships ... is the same thing, but doesn't seem as "threatening" as monogamy.
How about just taking it outside of the context of sex and before getting sexual, asking "are you seeing other people?"
<< do you think that being clear on your own boundaries, ie. telling men that sex without exclusivity is not in your plans, is "pressuring" them? >>
Remember that a boundary is simply a "rule" you have for yourself. It's not something you can use to fence another person in or adhere them to conform to. Your boundaries are your own. IMO, the boundary itself doesn't need to be communicated. Your boundary is your own ... it's your rule, your standard. What needs to be communicated is the expectation associated with your boundary. Therefore, by simply asking "are you seeing other people?" ... you'll receive an answer and you can gauge whether or not you're comfortable pursuing a sexual relationship. Set the expectation that if he is seeing other people, or starts seeing someone else, that you'd want to know if there's sex involved with anyone else.
But, if you absolutely, positively cannot have sex without being in a relationship ... keep in mind that very few men are going to commit to a relationship or sexual exclusivity without having "tried you on for size."
Are you willing to enter into a BF/GF relationship without knowing what the person is like in bed? If so, just know that ... you're in the minority, which may be quite difficult to find a boyfriend.
Generally speaking, if neither of you is sleeping with other people and you keep the lines of communication open about that, then ... that's often enough to keep things moving in the right direction ... in a slow, "non pressured" way.
<< In both cases, the men said that they were not into dating in a monogamous context>>
They're both "right" ... in that dating in and of itself isn't an exclusive, monogamous activity. Dating is just that ... it's dating ... it's options open to seeing other people. Therefore, there is no monogamy in dating. There's monogamy and exclusivity in relationships. Would you be willing to "just date" someone for a couple months, and if/when sex comes up, you could say "I enjoy what we have and would like to 'just date' and keep getting to know each other" ... if a guy is willing to date you for a couple months, without sex, then ... you can know that he's interested in you for you and not for sex. If he responds negatively to the "let's just keep getting to know each other" ... then, he's not the guy for you.
But, you have to be willing to just keep getting to know him ... so that he can evaluate whether or not you're someone he wants a relationship with ... without the expectation of a "relationship" after just a month or two ... just as he will have to be willing to get to know you without the expectation of sex the first month or two. It's a two-way street.
If you have the "are you seeing other people? talk ... and keep the communication open about seeing other people while you're "just dating" (which, "just dating" is no pressure) ... as long as neither person has an interest in seeing other people, you can feel more assured that it's moving in the direction of a relationship, kwim?
You can beat around the bush about the exclusivity all you want, but if you don't have that talk at some point you can't confirm or deny whether your date is seeing other women/men.
If you want to call the exclusivity talk, "pressure" be my guest. I am not in the market for an STD.
I think that's total BS and that he just didn't want an exclusive relationship with YOU. It sounds like he's so un-self-aware that he doesn't realize that, however and he's making you doubt yourself, which is total can't-say-it-on-Ivillage. He's pissing me off and I don't even know the guy!!!
A guy who is right for you AND who has any reasonable level of maturity isn't going to feel "pressure" because you say you want an exclusive relationship down the road. Nothing will keep him from pursuing you if he is really interested and at least open to the type of relationship that you want.
Sheri
Actually, in the dating vernacular these days, sexual monogamy and exclusivity are two different things. You can be sexually monogamous (only sleeping with one person), but not exclusive (i.e., each of you is free to date other people but not have sex with them). So it's important to clarify what you're agreeing to.
I do agree with avoiding the word "monogamous" though, because of its association with marriage, but I do make a distinction between exclusivity (not dating other people) and not sleeping with other people because that's what the "marketplace" requires these days.
And I've also never had a guy I've asked refuse to commit to exclusivity/monogamy before we slept together, FWIW, so I'm not sure your theory of "testing" is universally true. I suppose they could have been reserving the right to stop seeing me if it hadn't turned out to be good though ;-).
Sheri
I want to thank all three of you who have posted thoughtful replies.
Northwest- yes, in all liklihood you're right, he just didn't want an exclusive relationship with ME and hence the shifting viewpoint. I understand that, and am I taking it personally? Well hell yes I am. Its personal. And rather than have the kahunas to say that to me, its easier to say that he is in an exclusive relationship now because he wasn't pressured. Frankly, I'd have more respect for him if he simply came out and called it like it was.
Starbuck70-- I also find a lot of good points in your post- from the wiseness of not using the term "monogomous" and instead using "exclusivity." Also, would I want to commit to an exclusive relationship with someone if I hadn't had a "trial run," so to speak? Well, I guess for me, by the time I decide to have sex with a man, I'm intimate enough with him on a nonsexual level that I know I want to explore things one on one. If the sex absolutely sucked, and it just wasn't working out (despite trying!), I would prob. bail. In my experience, if that chemistry isn't there, its darned hard to develop it. But with that said, I *know* people move at different paces, and for a lot of men, its ok for them to sleep with more than one woman at a time while deciding if and when to be exclusive with one fo them. It doesn't work like that for me, and so you are right- its a balancing act between me getting to know him well enough to know I want to even approach the topic, and him being willing to wait long enough for me to know it. I guess if I have to wait a while to find a man who is willing to go down this road with me, then I'll do it. And I will put off that "exclusivity" discussion until I have a comfort level. If he pushes the issue sooner, I'll just have to be clear, and if he leaves, he's not right for me.
As to the mention of STD's- well of course! In this day and age, you have to take steps to protect one's self. And that doesn't necc. end when one is "exclusive," btw.
All in all, I just find it so darned funny that I'm in my late 30's, and am having to learn these rules. I guess its just that I'm at a diff. place in my life now, so MY rules are changing. =0)
Again, thank you for your well thought out replies. =0)
First of all, I agree with the others that there was nothing wrong with letting your date know that you choose not to get sexual without commitment.
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