Men think the world revolves around them
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:17pm |
I've been accused in the past of being a workaholic so at age 40, never married, I set about sticking to specific work hours (starting at 8am and getting home no later than 7pm, no lunch, and working flex hours from home on weekends) so that I could have my evenings free. Even though I work in the suburbs, I also elected to stay in Manhattan to facilitate dating (a rather expensive proposition, I might add). I have been spending upwards of 20 hours per week dating in addition to this rather demanding work schedule.
Now I must take some time off from dating and going out to meet new people because I am very busy at work for the next month (I will also be working weekends at work, not at home, 1 hr commute each way). I'm finding a guy that I'm dating currently keeps calling me at the last minute...last time he called was Sunday 1pm to go out to brunch that day...but I was at work and planning on spending the rest of the day there, possibly into the evening hours. I told him later in the week would be better, and the following AM I emailed him and told him Thursday evening would work, re-emphasizing that it was a busy week, and thanking him for inviting me to brunch even though I couldn't make it. Just to be on the safe side I also responded in great detail to his earlier email requesting some medical advice (I do medical research) and I also forwarded him an amusing article that was pertinent to a previous conversation and additionally sent him a text about Thursday...so he wouldn't think I was blowing him off (possibly...overkill??)
Suddenly now he is very vague. Although he thanked me a lot for the med advice, Thursday won't work, although he doesn't have any set plans (just helping a friend move one day this week). He was polite, but it was obvious he was a little put out, if you can believe. I feel like despite my very best efforts, even if I have a short, intense period at work (I'm working against a specific deadline, then things get back to normal, and he knows this) I lose out because I have a career that matters to me, and I can't just drop everything and go out. I usually plan social activities days in advance but I find once guys in particular get to know me better (not so much my female friends, who tend to want to plan things in advance too), they relax and feel like last minute is acceptable. Again, I'm feeling like I'm being pigeonholed as a workaholic and I really try so hard to balance everything now...but I just can't win!!
Anyway, if anyone in a similar situation has any ideas, I'd appreciate it. I'm exasperated right now, and also way behind on my work fretting about this stuff. Seriously thinking about changing careers...but I love this one. Waaah. I guess life has to be about choices but somehow everyone at work with this crazy schedule got married or has significant others. Mostly men though. A lot of the women are single now come to think of it. I don't mean to sound sexist, but the evidence is all around me. Is it that men are less flexible or that women are expected to be moreso? I mean, these guys must be getting positively reinforced for this last minute stuff by women, otherwise they wouldn't keep doing this. Is it possible I will never win?

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goddess_juju...
Pianoguy's 2 cents:
The ratio between how much time a person spends at work (irregardless of what it is) VS. the amount of time he or she designates for a social life....can seriously affect "relationship stability!"
Some men (and women) find it easy to adjust and adapt to some one else's work schedule. They figure out ways to amuse themselves while the other person is busy. But for many, this sort of task is impossible! So naturally, there's an issue of dumping you and seeking out a 'potential replacement?'
Now if you want to date a man who will "conform to your terms and schedules"---GOOD LUCK! Unless he happens to be out of town (or works part-time overseas) on a regular basis, he'll probably get more than a little frustrated by this type of arrangement?
Which means....he'll eventually pull away from you...and seek out someone who might be a little more flexible when it comes to "free time?"
Pianoguy
OK, maybe I didn't make myself very clear.
Although for the next *three weeks* my schedule will be absolutely crazy, I am usually available weekends anytime (as long as I have a few days notice) and always after 7pm on weeknights...are you saying that only men who are out of town or overseas on a regular basis can deal with this temporary schedule conflict (which occurs maybe 3x per year)?
Interesting how different these responses are (pianoguy = male vs I'm assuming you are female). As for asking me out at the last minute just because nothing else came up, that's def not true...he was asking me to go to brunch with him and a woman friend of his from high school that he wants me to meet b/c he thinks we would get along, and my friends keep moving away! :( So he was already going to brunch with her anyway. But you couldn't know that...
It's totally possible that he's dating other people, but I am too...I just manage my social life on a first-come, first-served basis regardless of who are my favorites. Anotherwords if I already had plans for a certain night with someone else, they have priority over any other offers for that night. Male, female, friend, boyfriend, or family...doesn't matter. So I guess it's hard for me to be understanding if he's keeping his schedule open in case something better comes along.
However my gut feeling is that he sees me with a busy schedule, so he wants to appear busy too, kind of difficult to carry off...he's currently unemployed. The $$ issue also probably makes it difficult to meet new women, since not everyone is willing to go to dives and split the bill (as I'm doing with him, since I really enjoy his company). So the other relationships theory is probably more applicable to me than to him. Maybe once he has a job my busy life won't be so annoying...still I wish he would cut me some slack.
goddess_juju....
Pianoguy must have missed....or misread...."the temporary part" of your post when you described your job situation???
Most males can deal with 3-week busy intervals a few times a year. But if you're talking 3 weeks out of EVERY MONTH? I doubt it!
If a woman constantly uses her job as an excuse to NOT SEE SOMEONE who might be interested in her...the man will eventually take the hint...and begin to look elsewhere!
Pianoguy
No, that's understood...if a guy was constantly unavailable due to work I would do the same. But that's really not the case here...I made it very clear (maybe too much?) that I would like to see him another day, perhaps Thursday, and he was not only not interested in getting together Thursday, but he didn't suggest an alternative. Maybe I'm jumping the gun but my gut feeling is this is pissing him off.
Maybe there's too much of a differential right now...he's unemployed, so maybe my busy life is a reminder that he should be getting his act together (this is another reason why him not suggesting an alternate date is so weird...as he often says, "my schedule is WIDE open!!") In that case, it may be a good thing. But it was inadvertent...I'm not trying to communicate any message like that...I'm honestly busy. But for his own sanity he should probably get a job...any job...because he's pretty stressed out by his $$ situation.
Well look I caught some evil flu now so it was probably better we didn't go out tonight...I feel so like crap...I'm not missing him as much now...funny how when you date a lot, it does get easier getting over people...almost like they never existed...
*delirium sets in, passes out on couch*
Most people date in order to have someone to hang out with, have fun with, share events and conversation with and have sex with.
So if you're dating someone on a regular basis...and suddenly your schedule is such that for a month or so you'll be available on that basis....it doesn't stop their desire to have fun, sex, interaction, companionship.
so they're figuring out that you're kind of "male" in that sense...and the reason that men don't want a relationship with men...is that women as a rule are not "acting like men".
I think you're thinking inside the box - when you should be thinking outside the box, since your life priorities, standards, and goals have been more male, logically oriented.
You'd do well to date men who have little career interests, and instead have a "job"....that would mean that your prioritization of your career wouldn't really affect thier ability to see you. They're only working 8-5, 5 days a week, and they're able to shift seeing you in light of that. Obviuosly, they'llh ave intrests and hobbies, but those are generally able to be shifted to accommodate a date.
And those generally aren't the type of people looking ot have children. Because if you're thiking thatyou're going to say one thing, do another and have them believe what you say - you're nuts, you wouldn't do that if someone were attempting to put it off on you.
You're not wanting children, you're not wanting a conventional type of relationship whre you prioritize the relationship to any extent over your own career. YOu've spent 20 or thereabouts years getting where you are, and you're probably very close to the peak positio you could hold and have no desire not to get there after all this work, sacrifice, and effort.
If you're not going to prioritize the relationship which is nothing really but an entity of enjoyment over your own career and identity in it, you're not going to prioritize having children......nor are you going to prioritize their interests or career overmuch except when your time permits.
So if you're attempting to date men that are wanting a "wife/child"......then you'e dating men who'll drop you the minute it is apparent that your career and identity in it are your primary source of prioritization, enjoyment, fulfillment and empowerment. Because you can't be a mother like most men want, or a wife like the conventional man wants...and be at work all the time.
I've known quite a few women like you....providedyou get realistic, you'll be just fine. Date men who enjoy having a great deal of time to themselves becuase they have intersts and hobbies - but not obligations or aspirations - that involve time and energy. don't involve with someone with alot of possessions to maintain, or obligations ot meet - because thier schedule isn't nearly flexible enough. and you're pobably goin to have to at least look at the possiblity of dating and foring a relationship with someone that educationally, professionally, and financially has much less status than you.
Those kinds of people have interests and hobbies - not just careers, and those types of people if they're mature, aren't interested in making commitments and obligations they personally alone cannot maintain. They have no problem living with you, at your standard, but they won't squander or multilate what you've got...and if it ends they won't be upset for having to go back to the lower but maintainable on their own standard that they were in originallly.
YOu won't have lost anything in a relationship loss....nor will they.....wich is usually what dynamic allows no "relationship ending" as a reality.
You're taking what this guy is doing personally - that's illogical. He's dating you because HE wants fun, sex, conversation an dcompanionship on his terms, for his needs. He didn't stop wanting that just because for a month you're going to be so tied up at work he can't let laid or have any fun with you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi there!
I don't do science, but my best friend does (she is a biomedical engineer, a researcher) and I can tell you that she has definitely seen the gender bias: yes, it is OK for men to work long hours, but women in the sicences, from what my friend tells me, are still expected to play the "girl who puts family/dating/romance" first. I am myself working towards my Ph.D. in literature and I can tell you that I get men contacting me (I do online dating) who live on the East Coast (I am in LA), are on tenure track in academia -- or already tenured -- and expect me to just move there with the great argument "Ï can arrange for you to get a job with my insitution" Which will be an administrative position, no thank you! I have spent the last 7 years of my life doing this because I want to teach literature!!!
All this is to say: do not let them make you doubt your priorities! Even though I am single, and looking, I do hope to find someone who can meet me half-way. So, yes, I do agree with you: some men think the world revolves around them. And yet it doesn't! Tough luck, guys!
All the best!
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