men......any ideas here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
men......any ideas here
7
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:37am
I am 38 and have been in a serious relatinship with a guy my age for 18 months. He is very kind, sweet and treats me well always. We never share harsh words, we have conflicts but seem to be able to resolve them well and we both try our best to listen. Its a sweet relationship. He is a musician but also has a day job that is dead end and he hates it. He lives to play and he plays well. He gets paid poorly and like most musicians does it for the love of it. A number of times he has brought up living together one day and maybe getting married. We have this dream of this little house in the country and talk about it alot. I have the key to his place and he wants me there as much as I can be there. We are commited to each other completely.

Problem: He went on tour with a very classy band in the winter for about 3 months. He was so happy and I guess thought he could finally make music his career. Since he got home there has not been much work and he has finally realized he will never make a career out of music and at the age of 43 has to rethink his whole career. He is going through a serious melancholy and an existential crisis. He seems to be too proud to lean on me through it and let me help him. Instead I feel he is pushing me away. One minute he says he wants to see me more, then he says he is so busy trying to figure out his life. He seems to be withdrawn into himself, yet does not want me to give him space because he wants me with him. He doesnt know what he wants. But, what hurt me was that when I asked him if he needs time alone, he says 'sometimes I just dont feel like being with anyone except you' (he is introverted). but then I got this vibe from his mood that maybe he was having second thoughts about living with someone or marrying someone one day and he actually said 'yes I am having second thoughts'. All those times I said it I meant it, but right now I am going through such a terrible time of feeling I have no resources and not enough work that I'm not sure its for me. I can't really say its something I want to do anymore'. I was devastated. He claims over and over again that it has nothing to do with his feelings for me but that he is so down right now he cant even look past today. The only reason I asked him is because I cant waste my time with someone averse to a permanent commitment with someone no matter how much I love him. I didnt give him an ultimatum, I only asked. Now all of our plans seem to be down the drain because of some misery he is in that I did not even cause. What should I do? We are so in love and devoted to each other and want each other to be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:14am
I am not so sure he is fully comitted to your relationship. I think it is secondary to his music career. Perhaps he dreams of attracting new love when he gets famous. Either way, settling down is a sign of surrender to him. He will never be happy that way, and you would not like living with his resentment. I gave up other relationships, and opportunities to marry my wife. I was not sure how we would survive (I borrowed money to put a small wedding together), but I knew it was worth the effort. Don't put all your chips into this pot unless he is anteing-up also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:34am
I hate to say this, but if he has not made anything of his finances and career by now at age 43 he is not going to do it any time in the future. The fact that he went on the road for 3 months is very disturbing to me.

He will not be capable of love and a full rich relationship until he is happy with himself and his career and his finances. It is that simple.

Do you wait? That is up to you. You are not getting any younger. I would not wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 10:18am
Thank you for the good advice and insight into this. May I add a couple of details. He is a classical musician. It is very low key and serious stuff. He is lost in a large group and it is not a question of individual fame but I can see very much how you could see that. He just wants to play and it seems to be all he can think about lately. Also when he met he was wanting a relationship badly. He persued me strongly and being and introvert has never persued anyone. He feels I am his soul mate. Also I am a person who stands out in a crowd and he does not nor does he want to. He wants to be 'in the background' but just wants to play. You are right, it is strange at the age of 43 he doesnt have his financial life together. Yet he is a highly organized and mature person who is responsible and grounded. It doesnt make sense does it?

It is insightful to hear that a man cannot really have a relationship until he is finacially happy and knows what he wants. It makes me wonder why he bothered. He was happy on playing tour because he was playing music every day. That is when he started talking about marriage, as well as before he had this midlife crisis.

He tells me he wants more time with me, yet seems so depressed when I see him he cannot seem to communicate. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him period.? get busy with my own life and just date other men and not see him for a while? Tell him I think it would be best if he had some space? I really love him, and care about him but I won't wait around forever. He is looking into teaching now but can't seem to get enthusiastic about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:18pm
Are you really prepared to accept the fact that you are second fiddle to this man's music? You are, and my guess is you always will be.

The other posters, especially the first man who answered you, are right. I don't think this guy is committed to you. I think he's committed to one person -- himself. You are a very pleasant diversion and someone he cares about, but you're along for the ride.

Men who are serious about a woman are eager and happy to make plans -- for the two of them. They gladly discuss all the practical issues surrounding marriage or even living together. They see it as a joint effort. You and he are a TEAM. You're not this man's team at all. You are his support system, period.

He's taking and taking from you and offering you nothing in terms of a future together. He's so bummed about by his own going nowhere life that he can't even set it aside so that you get some enjoyment the next few weeks or months.

Hon, at 43, this man is way too old to be acting this irresponsibly. I think your man is selfish and immature, and I think at his age, he will stay that way forever. At your age, you have no time to lose. You've invested tons of time and energy in this relationship, and I suggest you seriously consider what exactly you're getting for your efforts.

If it's marriage and/or children and/or a lifetime partner you want, I'd say this guy is a VERY bad bet. If he were 33, it might be reasonably OK. But at 43? No way.

by the way... the fact that he's a "classical" musician has nothing to do with anything, nor does the fact that he's "in the background" at concerts. What the previous poster said about his 3-month "gig" still applies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:22pm

Hello tellmewhy!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:21pm
Look, happiness, success, and security has to be personally defined, pursued, achieved and maintained by each individual on the existential plane...before you can be "happy" as a couple.

Basically, he's allowing his feelings to serve as goals, calls to action and facts. HE doesn't like the fact that at 43....he'll likely never be a musician a a primary job. So he retreats and then clings...because of his feelings.

His feeilngs have NOTHING to do with you....and his feelings are no generated becuase of or about you, either.

He wants what he wants, and unfortunately or perhaps not depending, alot of people have "enabled" him to pursue and cling to this dream much longer than he should have.

It's one thing at 20 to want to be a musician, work dead end shifts or minimum wage jobs, and pursue playing music anywhere and everywhere for almost next to nothing. But going into your late 20's and on doing that...indicates that there is no realistic expectation or emotional maturity within this person.

At some point...what are they thinking - "surely someone will come along that has prioritized financially stable, mature, realistic goals, and responsible living and will take me on as a project and provide for me?"

They might ponder that thought and let it go - unless a succession of people come into their life that approve of thier passionate pursuit, and are willing to cover the shortfall of it in conventionally successful terms.

But at 43...he's realizing a fact that nobody's largess can erase. That he cannot be waht he wants to be, and that he has spent a great deal of his youth and opportunities that he cannot retrieve - pursuing an unrealistic dream.

In a way - he likely resents the people that enabled him to do this...to the age of 43...while being guilty for the resentment...and grateful for thier assistance.

So I'd ask you - is love enough? Because it is quite likely with ihs education, his lack of professional success to date...that dead end jobs, or some minimal professional position is about all that he's capable of for a lifetime. So what he's going to have is determined by the reality - and how he's regarded by society is greatly determined by his acquisitions and positions.

So he's behind the 8-ball any way you view it. And he's realizing that nobody can undo that reality for him.

If the realtionship meets your needs and standards stay - and if not go. That is ALWAYS the criteria to determine what to do.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:40pm
thank you for your insight from a musician's point of view. In fact thank you to all of you as you have been so very helpful to me taking the time just to help.

cl-tgowens.........is there any way I can chat with you privately somewhere. on msn or even in a chat room. you seem to have some experience with this that you can help me with. my email address is gennyanydots@hotmail.com. If you would like, please contact me on that address or back here. Thank you so much. All of you. :)