the merry -go-round....
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| Tue, 09-13-2005 - 5:33pm |
I started dating a friend last fall. We broke up and got together three times. I ended it with hiim each time but was strongly attracted to him so we wound up getting back together physically and then moved back into dating. He said he was falling in love with me after about a month of dating, which was way too soon for me, and we had other differences that seemed irreconcilable (he's an introverted writer and would spend long periods of time not talking when we were together. When I'm with people I like to interact with them, especially by talking..to me that is what relationships are built on, sharing thoughts and feelings) .
Outside of all this, he's a very nice guy, funny, sweet, treated me well etc...but it just seemed like things weren't working because of the fact that he would clam up (he's also chronically depressed which is another problem...).
The last time I broke up with him he refused to talk to me for a few months. I missed him, even dated other men, but still thought about him. Well, a couple of weeks ago I initiated contact with him again. Initially, that's all I wanted, just to try and be friends. Then I saw a personal ad on a website that sounded like exactly what I was looking for but also very familiar. I emailed it to him and asked if it was his and he said "yup".
After that, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to "be" with him again (the sex was the best I've had in years). So last week we had lunch, and I didn't say anything about my feelings until the very end when I was about to get on the subway. I said that I missed him, but didn't want to hurt him anymore or create drama. He agreed that we should talk.
Last night we got together for coffee. He said that he hadn't changed, he's still the same person that annoyed me before. We agreed that we should take things very slowly. But I can tell that he's very wary--he doesn't really initate contact with me anymore. I feel really bad that I"ve hurt him, but the adult in me says that this relationship may be beyond repair. He even said himself that he was"not hopeful" which didn't really set things out on the best foot. He also said he thought we should definitely be dating other people if we continue to see each other "to take the pressure off". (I started dating another guy a few weeks ago).
Now I just feel kind of depressed, which is not how I want to feel if I"m dating someone. We had a little spat over dinner last night when he said something unexpected that really hurt me and my first impulse was to run out of the restaurant and never call him again, but I sat my ground. I asked him what he was thinking and he said something to the effect of "none of your business" which I thought was selfish and rude.
The other guy I'm dating doesn't know that I"ve contacted my ex. I'm going to tell him what's going on, but I'm not sure why I feel the need to date two men. This new guy and I get along great, he's very talkative and funny and we've had fun dating, but I don't feel strongly attracted to him the way I do with my ex.
What am I doing? should I be dating either of these men? I've never dated 2 men at once before and it feels kind of sneaky and I just feel kind of crappy about the whole situation. I don't want to hurt either of them or myself or play games.

It's hard to blame him for being wary but the only way to maybe make it work is not necessarily to date other people as well. What are your motives - the sex? He's scared you're not serious. If you want to give it a shot perhaps the two of you could do a few sessions with a shrink - you need to work on the communication and goal sharing, etc.