Messy Situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Messy Situation
11
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:16pm

Ok, I dont even know where to start. I'll try. I have been seeing this guy for about 8 months. Well not really "seeing" because we hardly ever "see" each other. Anywayz, so Im dealing with this guy & I knew from day one that he has a girlfriend. At first it was cool, because I wasnt looking for anything serious. It was only supposed to be a one night thing. It has turned into a once a week thing. I was ok with that at first too. I felt like we were using each other. I had his cell # and I always had the option to call if I wanted to. I hardly EVER called. I would always wait on him. A couple of months ago he changed cell carriers and got a new #. He never gave it to me. When he calls he makes the # private. Anyhow, he usually calls every 3-4 days. Always. In the past 8 months there hasnt been a week that went by without him calling. Now as I sit here(day 11) thinking, obsessing, wondering, WTF??.

Last night my car was broken into and my cd player, amp, speakers were all stolen. I really hate to accuse someone but I am starting to think he possibly had somethin to do with it!! I mean he has been in my car alot of times so he knows what kind of system I had. I am so hurt. I mean maybe it was just random act. It just seems mighty funny out of all the cars we have in our yard, they or whoever chose mine. My windows are tinted real dark, so someone couldnt just glance and see in. Oh and none of the windows were broken. No forced entry. I recall giving him the code maybe once or twice to unlock the doors. I dont know what to think. I just dont want to believe that someone that I liked and trusted so much could possibly have done this to me. It's killin me that he hasnt called & that makes it even more suspicious.

He is the only man Ive been with in the last 8 months. I know I should not even be messing with him in the 1st place because he's already taken, but I cant take that back. I cant call him. Thats outta the question. I don't even know where he lives, we always meet somewhere. I know this sounds stupid, but could somebody shed some light on the situation. I just need advice. Oh by the way I'm 26 and he is 22. (if that makes any difference)

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:23pm

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about your car...and man, that DOES sound suspicious. But is it enough to take to the police (could they get prints)? But I don't know, do you even want to go there?

I think, though, that even if he DOES end up calling you (and even if he had nothing to do with the theft), that it's best for you to move on. The fact that you even think he'd be capable of that isn't good, plus if you're starting to care whether he calls you or not, that's not a good sign...you're getting attached and that just means that you're gonna get (more) hurt if you continue.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:22am
It appears that your lover had fun with you, but that now he's done with you as well. No strings attanched. Since the beginning he and you both knew that it was going to be a casual thing. There was no serious talk and such and just sex and friendship. He was careful enough to keep you from his life and just allow you to see him on his terms. He's really a good cheater, poor GF. It's also possible that he's gotten himself a new lover so that's why he's stopped calling you. The breaking into your car could be coincidental. I'd reported as vandalism and get the insurance company to pay for it. I'd move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:51am

Thanx to both of u for your replies. Today is day 15 and still no call. I cannot believe it. I mean I thought we were better than THIS. I dont think movin is on is goin to be a problem. I just thought we were friends, but now I see that I was just his late-nite-cut-up. We never went out, never even spoke of it. He didnt give me his new cell #. I dont know where he lives. I wouldnt have known about his job if someone else hadnt told me. He tried to play me like he was unemployed and tryin to find a job & I believed him at first and he got about $100 out of me. His girl called my phone once, and I could hear him in the background sayin really messed up s**t about me. Even then, I didnt throw salt on his game. He apologized, and I accepted. I dont even know why I am obsessing over him. I think it's because I wanted to be the one to end it, the one to tell him goodbye. It's cool though. It's his loss.

I posted here cuz I needed someone to vent to. We were on the low, and there isnt anyone in my life that I can talk to about this because they either know him, his girl or his friends. I journal a lot, not just about this but everything. That usually helps me deal. I just wanted to get someone elses point of view on this situation. I also have one more question, If he happens to call again, how should I handle it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:10am
If he calls you again I would not answer the phone. I know that it will be hard not to but you will be better off now if you cut your losses. He sounds like he took advantage of a situation that he could have had better control of. As the previous person said contact your insurance company and get your equipment replaced and start over. You deserve someone that you don't even have to question whether or not they stole your equipment out of your car. Keep your head up and stay postive!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:11am

If he calls again, I would pick up the phone and tell him to not call again. Sometimes not answering the phone causes them to keep calling because it becomes a game they want to win. I've had that experience. If he continues calling after you tell him not to, simply pick the phone up, say nothing and hang up.


Hope this helps. It's a tough situation because of bruised egos but it sounds like you're handling it well...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 8:55am

Obviously, it is time for you to move on. This man will eventually call you because you have always been there for him. So the next time he calls pick up the phone and tell him that you are very busy and don't have time for him any more. Also tell him that your car was picked clean.

As far as your car is concerned I have a little story to tell you. I belonged to a club with a clubhouse. One time I brought a friend to do something with me in the clubhouse and I had trouble opening the combination lock. I gave my friend the combination in the hopes he would help me open the lock.

The very next day all the equipment inside the clubhouse was stolen. I never thought my friend would do anything to compromise the club, but I was suspicious anyway. I questioned him thoroughly and he begrudgingly admitted he gave the combination to some drug addicts. He got caught up bragging about knowing people in the club and to prove it he blabbed about knowing the combination.

My guess is that your little FWB friend who is less than ethical passed on your car code since none of the windows were broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:22am
Update!! He finally called last Thursday, from some random #. I wasnt expecting his call and he really caught me off-guard. As soon as I heard his voice I cut him off with a quick "call me back" and hung up. I know that wasnt the best response but that was the 1st thing that came to mind. He did try calling back a few times that same night but I kept sending him to voicemail. He didnt leave any messages and he attempted to call back late Saturday from a different #, so I caught that call & as soon as I heard it was him I hung up and turned my phone off. I dont know if he tried callin back, but he didnt leave ANY messages. Then he called me Sunday night from a private # and I answered and we talked for about what seemed like 2.2 seconds. He asked where I had been and he asked me to come see him. He gave no explanation of why he hadnt called for almost 3 weeks. I was real short with my answers and I think he caught on that I didnt wanna talk to him, but he still comes at me with "So when am I gon get to see you?" I responded with "Nah, Im straight" and he was like "Not tonight, tomorrow then?" Thats when I told him that I was tired of bein on call and that I didnt wanna hook up anymore. He sez "I feel ya". After that it was mostly small talk and he asked if he could call the next day (Monday). I was like "whatever" and then we hung up. I havent heard from him since then. I have to admit that I find myself waitin for his call, just so I can reject it. I wanna know that I am on his mind and that he misses me. I know that he doesnt care if we never speak again & I really dont either (I think). Im just bored & lonely. He was the only guy I was having sex with and now it feels like I have to start all over. Ive been good so far. I wonder how long I can keep it up. Thanx to everyone for their input on this whole ordeal. Everybodys advice has really put me on the right track and I hope I can shake this lame for good. Please forgive me if I vent too much. I have a feelin this wont be my last post. Is there anyone else here thats in or has been in a similar situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:13am

If you read the archives, you will find several people who have been in a similar situation. You are on the right track getting rid of this man. He expects you to be on call, yet calls from strange numbers and private numbers to make sure you don't get his cell or home number. This means he doesn't want you to be able to contact him. He wants complete control and gets aggressive with the phone calls when you don't respond.

Time for you to go out and make some new friends, get involved in some new activities and widen your circle. Otherwise you will be left daydreaming about Mr. Wrong who is the only one paying attention to you at the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 12:26am
I am so pissed at myself right now. He called earlier and asked me to meet him because he wanted to talk face to face. I told him that I wasnt interested. I should have hung up right then. Well he kept talkin and not too long after that he had convinced me to come. OK so i get up and shower and get ready. Om my way out the door he calls and sez that his girl just popped up and he promised to see me tomorrow. I just hung up the phone. I cannot believe this. He calls and talks me into meetin and then cancels on me. And I think he thinks its ok and he'll call tomor and everything is gon be fine. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!! I am so done with it. I was already mad at myself for even answering the phone. From this point on I am not answering private calls or numbers I dont know. If its important then they will leave a message or call back. I let my guard down for one second and this is what happens. *sighs* I need a drink.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:51pm
Girl.... I read your post and your words hit so close to home. I don't think your situation is stupid. We as humans, stay getting ourselves into complex situations for one reason or another. Just because we do that doesn't make us good or bad, it just means that we as women make not-so-good decisions... which may not be good for us in the long run. I guess the only thing to do is try to take something away from this experience and try and learn from your situation. Well, that is what I told myself.

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