Might be a silly question but...
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| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:50pm |
I decided a couple of weeks ago to try onlide dating. I have been spending some time on the related board as well and my conclusion was : it's just a different way to meet guys but when you meet them "for real" well, a date is a date.
Yesterday night I met someone I had been exchanging e-mails with. I have to tell that my dating bible is "Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle. She says in her book that if you want a romantic relationship, you have to set the tone from the beginning. So, as that guy and I were clear from the start about the fact that we were looking for love and not for friends, I expected this date to be... well, like a real date.
We went for coffee and he didn't even offer to pay for me, though he has been the one making the invitation. So am I too old fashioned, or don't I read the right books or should he have offered? I mean, I don't know what to expect for next meetings with other guys, now.
Any insight appreciated.


I mean, when you meet someone "on line" prior to meeting in person - there is just assumption and projection based on conversation. There is no actual "spark" in play that is made known to both parties.
I mean.....if someone catches your eye at the mall and you walk up and give him your number and ask for a date...its' because "he appealed to you" in terms of the physical - he's your type. That's chemistry.
If a man walks up to you at the gym and wants to go out for coffee or yogurt - it's because "you appealed to him on the physical level" - you're his "type" in terms of physical - that's chemistry.
But on line...what you have is a clinical profile that is not necessarily factual, or accurate by your definition. YOu then proceed to email, IM and converse on the phone - all of which leads to assumptions and projections about this person based on what they say and your interpretation of what it means....because you have no personal awareness or interaction with them as a person.
So to me......the adage that says "people on line that don't want to meet quickly don't really want to date" - that's correct. Because nobody that wants to date, to form a relationship or not - waits weeks to "meet" while making all these assumptions and projections withou an awareness that there is physical attraction in the mix.
Which leads me to define the first meeting - usually dutch and gotten to the location by each individual - is a "meeting' - it's not a date.
There is no awareness other than projection and assumption that this person "in person" will appeal to you. There is no dating - if you show up and what you expected based on conversations and on-line pictures doesn't materialize.
So, you might do well to think of the first time you meet, in a public place gotten to by individual transportaton as a "meeting" - rather than a date.
And to avoid conflict, confusion, or embarrassment - most people that do on-line dating keep that first meeting in a set timeframe, at a public place, on a dutch basis....so that if they are disappointed in your appearance or there is no chemistry when you meet - they're not "on a date" with someone they don't know or care to get to know, with no real agenda or schedule that would eliminate the unease of the situation.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I'm like you, a total romantic. I expect the guy to pay if he's the one who asked for the date. Even just coffee.
Doesn't always work out that way. Maybe next time you need to ask the guy that straight out, whether he will be paying or expecting you each pay your own.
If you're a total romantic you wouldn't be on-line looking for dates....you'd be sitting on the front porch, fanning yourself with a southern accent waiting for him to gallantly arrive and carry you to the car.
No realistic, pragmatic, romantic man is going to get romantic at a "meeting".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
LOL fanning on the porch!
So true, so true....
However, being the punctual person that I am, I'm often at the coffee shop first, so I end up buying my own coffee!!
Sheri
I too have fallen victom to the somewhat hopelessness of on line dating. It is a crock of S#%&. I even went so far as to do the eharmony thing...not worth the $50 you pay to join. 29 dementions my foot! You should see some the to goofy people they send me as "quality matches". I don't think so!
It's just that men these days don't really approach women the way they used to. I don't date men from bars so that's out of the question and if we as women approach a man and give our number...we are crazy, in their eyes anyway. If we aren't crazy then we are way too forward! WHO KNOWs...
I think unless otherwise discussed they should pay. I am an indpendant woman and I will offer to pay for my half or if I made the suggestion to meet then I will even offer to pay completely. I guess we allhave to just hang in there and hope for the best.