Might as well ask another question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Might as well ask another question
9
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:25pm

I have a post down on General Discussions here on Dating Doyenne regarding my vacation fling. But since I am here I might as well throw out anther issue.

I don't know what it is about me but I am a magnet for a certain type of men. I'm briefly dating this guy, he has a good job, he's attentive, he's funny and he really likes me. But as the week progresses I get to find out much more about him. Like several past boyfriends:

1) He is uncomfortably close to his mommy. Mommy cooks, cleans and does his laundry even though he is in his mid 30s.
2) He has a good job but I don't see any ambition more than doing the bare minimum to retain gainful employment
3) He has no desire whatsoever to change anything in his life. Life is just peachy keen as it is.
4) Although he is a wonderful person to me, I don't see any hobbies or interests being pursued.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts these men to me like ants on honey but just once I would like to date a guy that wants to eventually marry, wants to earn some money, and has a life.

What the heck am I doing wrong? Take the gloves off if you need.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:33pm

I don't know that you're doing anything *wrong* per se...I have the same issue with emotionally unavailable men. I don't know that there's anything you can do to stop attracting those types of men, but what you CAN do (and what I'm working on also) is *walk away* as soon as you recognize that a new guy has these characteristics. It shouldn't generally take more than a date or two to suss out the characteristics you've mentioned.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:21pm

chamey101...

Pianoguy doubts you're doing anything wrong....UNLESS....you're the type of woman who unconsciously seeks out men with incredibly weak personalities?

You mentioned that most of the guys you've dated have "mommy attachments", few hobbies or interests, and very little ambition! So it's entirely possible that they find "your strong feminine take-charge personality" very attractive?

Unfortunately, the moment you realize that they'll always be more passive and are likely to "lean on you"---YOU GET BORED AND PROBABLY WANT TO LET "ANOTHER ONE BITE THE DUST?"

Am I right?

Pianoguy

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:21pm

How are you meeting these men?

If you're doing OLD, you may want to use a different site or maybe change your profile.

If you're meeting them through friends, maybe be more clear with them about the type of guy you'd like to meet.

If you're meeting them out at bars/clubs, go to different clubs that have a different clientele.

Also, are you involved in any hobbies or activities that involve groups, where you might meet a man with similar interests?

Just some thoughts.

As Sheri said, learning to walk away is a biggie! But don't get discouraged - you really do have to date many many many before you find the right one. Think of it this way - for every toad you date, you're one step closer to finding your prince!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:19pm

Really don't have a clue how it works. Sometimes I think I carry around a big sign on my back - pressure me into a relationship/marriage.

But if you are looking for a man who has a life, career drive, etc. then go where they are. Take a course, or read the newspapers and find out which events would most likely attract the type of men you like. Therefore, if you want a biker go to bike shows, if you want a computer whiz go to tech shows, if you want a business man find functions he will most likely attend (bring wake-up pills with you, haha).

Not only does it give you the opportunity to meet them, you will learn about his interest. Giving you something to discuss with him and an opportunity to learn what he is like.

My thought, if I'm unsuccessful finding the man then I might as well head for the interest and see if one will manifest :).

Cheryl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:38pm

Thank you all so much for your input.

northwestwanderer: I'm getting better at walking away. In the past I have wasted years dating my best buddy but not necessarily quality marriage material. Enough already, I want a quality guy.

Pianoguy: I'm tending to agree with you. Regardless of how sweet and dear I can seem, beneath the layers is a strong take-charge gal, probably just like their mommies. These guys must subconsciously like the similarity. They have no problem relinquishing control over anything, something that has never bothered me. But you are right, I get bored, more like disgusted, quickly.

Blondie: Where did I meet this guy? I don't know whether my "I'll talk to anybody" attitude is an asset or liability. I met this guy in the Jacuzzi of a relatively nice hotel, he was staying there on business. He didn't speak any english but took quite an effort to keep a conversation going with me in spanish. I was charmed. He is a real sweetheart, but for christ sakes, move out of mommy's house already!

Serina: You will be happy to know that as you were writing your reply to me I was busy at the fancy health club down the street from me inquiring about a membership. I'm not so sure I want to spend $80/month but there are a lot of quality looking guys there, at least as many as can affort the membership. I'll probably join tomorrow. I have a few other tricks up my sleeve to ratchet up this man-search this summer.

Thanks guys, I'll keep you posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:02am

That is great chamey! I really do feel going to places where the type of man is really helps you expand your options and yourself. Never know, a real interest may develop as well.

Hey, I just got an idea! An event driven dating/friendship service where various events are scheduled for single, specific aged group individuals. Could include everything from going to the museum, camping, zoo, concert, dancing, etc. but where individual's bought their tickets (restricted to number of individuals and equal number of men/women) through the agency.

Wonder if I can get a local dating/frienship group interested in doing this.

Cheryl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:55pm


Don't mean to offend at all, but can't help commenting:

'1) He is uncomfortably close to his mommy. Mommy cooks, cleans and does his laundry even though he is in his mid 30s' - ok, not perfect, but what is sooooo soooo bad about this one? Mommy cooks cleans and does his laundry..he's a bit old-fashioned.. he likes his mommy..he doesn't like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry..where is the fire??
2) He has a good job but I don't see any ambition more than doing the bare minimum to retain gainful employment - this one has me totally puzzled. All I can say is: what in God's name is wrong with just being gainfully employed and not wanting to necessarily progress or get promoted or get a lot more money? what is the problem? He IS employed isn't he? He DOES have a good job doesn't he?
3) He has no desire whatsoever to change anything in his life. Life is just peachy keen as it is. - Sigh. So.. the man's just happy with his life just as it is, and that is wrong? WHAT is wrong with being happy with how things are??
4) Although he is a wonderful person to me, I don't see any hobbies or interests being pursued - So he's not a 'hobby' man. He has you (and he is wonderful to you - how many men are wonderful to their women these days??), he has his good job, and his laundry done by his mom. That makes him a 'certain type of man'?? Not just someone quietly living his life the way he knows best?

Sigh.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:06pm

Everyone has different things they want in a partner, and we are each free to choose our own preferences. Her preferences may not be yours or mine, but so what? They are hers and she's entitled to them. We want what we want, and there's nothing wrong with that. It may limit our dating choices, but so long as we acknowledge that, then so be it.

If Chamey doesn't want a man with those qualities, that's perfectly fine...for *her*. It doesn't mean that a guy with those qualities is "bad" or isn't going to be right for someone else....he's just not right for *her*.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:15pm
the important thing is that you BRIEFLY dated him, that you knew enough to question certain facts about him and that you will duck out when you realize it's a lost cause.
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