Miscommunication?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Miscommunication?
19
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:32pm

So I'm working things out with an ex currently.. It's really awesome because I love him so much and I'm glad things are working out, esp in time for the hoidays. We haven't had the chance to see each other since we started talking though because we live about 45 min away from each other and I've been busy with finals and he's been working late & stuff. So this weekend would have been our first oppertunity. Well, he said he plans tonight.. it was his clubs christmas party. I guess I can understand him not asking me to go since we're not really back together yet, but I guess I was kind of hurt because if he wanted to see me, this was his chance. Last night he just stayed home and I text'd him to see what he was doing and he said watching tv, then he sent me a text before he went to sleep saying "wish you were here" well, he didn't invite me, I would have gladly gone to see him. See the thing is, we've always had this problem of asking each other to do things and I have no idea why. When we first started dating, his friend actually asked me to hang out w/ them.. which I thought was weird. He's 30 years old. (I mean it wasn't like "hey will you go ask her to hang out for me" but his friend would like invite me to places they were going.. not my bf) I don't know what it is.. but then he thinks I'm not intersted in seeing him. I would spend every chance I could with him I just don't know how to make him see that..I dont know if he's afraid I'll turn him down? Or what.. When were dating the first time, we would always try to think of things to do, then he'd get aggrevated because I didn't know of anything and we'd just end up at the club with his friends.

*sigh* We just seem to have this big problem of asking each other to see each other and thats part of the reason we broke up in the first place. we have huge communication issues. I don't want this to happen again, I want this to work out, for good. Any advice or anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:02am
I understand what you are going thru. My ex is an alcoholic and did a VERY good job of hiding his drinking for a long time. We dated for 18 months before we lived together. I knew he was drinking occasionally and would get smashed once every 6 months. I knew he was an alcoholic but I thought it was in the early stages. 2 and half years later we got married. The stress of buying a house and getting married seemed to escalate his drinking. Once I finally got him into rehab the truth came out. He had been drinking 4-5 days a week our entire relationship and I don't mean 1 or 2 drinks. Alcoholics are very good at covering their tracks and telling you what you want to hear. 4 years of marriage and I finally decided enough was enough. We are now divorced. He has been thru 7 inpatient/outpatient programs and is currently in a halfway house. I hope he is successful this time. I know you have to make your own decisions. I had to learn the hard way myself. I am not telling you to leave him. I DO think you should go to AL-Anon meetings. There are sure to be meetings in your area. You can check the phone book for a number to call for a list of meetings or they might be posted on the web. The people at these meetings will not tell you what to do, whether to stay in the relationship or leave. They will support you and help you learn to live your life and if you want to stay with him how to support him without enabling. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:52pm
Why do you want to learn the hard way and put yourself through all the hell, these young ladies are describing? You could be learing a valuable lesson here without wasting time, money and emotions on a guy who may never change.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:06pm

You don't have to learn this the hard way, so why sell yourself short?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:24pm

Thanks for all of your advice.. I really appreciate it. I think my friends tend to tell me what I want to hear rather than what I need to hear.

Things are still pretty complicated. His hearing is a week from tomorrow.. we've been seeing each other here & there and texting/talking to each other every day. He really hasn't initiated wanting to see me too much though, he said that he doesnt want us to get close again because of the whole situation.. It's so frustrating. I went to his house on Christmas and he asked me to go out with him on New Years Eve. He's so sweet, sends me the nicest texts, tells me he loves me every day..

I guess I just have some doubts.. I mean, he says he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't want to see me. I'm not trying to push it but I'm just worried that he's just telling me he loves me because I'm there and he knows how much I love him. A few people mentioned him just "using" me for comfort since he is going to jail but I mean he has tons of friends a great family, so its not like he's a loner. I just don't want to get hurt again.. I love him so so much. I mentioned one night about me having doubts and he said he's 30 years old & he's not into playing games and that he loves me.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 2:54pm

It doesn't have to be that complicated. You could be dating a man that wants to be with you, will call to make dates with you, but you aren't. This particular guy is waiting on a jail sentence.

What you see is what you get with this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 5:03pm

It doesn't have to be complicated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:56pm

I realize that there are other men out there.. we broke up for a while and I dated around. No one compares to him. I know he's made some mistakes but he's working through them and I want to be right beside him to help him.

He does have a good job, a nice truck, and is living with a guy whom he works with so he'll still be able to get to work.

I really appreciate your honesty, I think sometimes my friends just tell me what I want to hear and not what I need to hear and thats why I came here.

It's easier said than done to just "forget him" Esp when you love someone. I've had him in and out of my life for the past 2 years and I know that I don't want to have a time where he's not in my life anymore. I plan on sticking by him and I know many of you disagree w/ that.. but its something I want to do, not something I think I have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 10:11am

If that is the case, great. But you should do a couple of things.

1) Since this man has so many issues, don't get lost in them. Make sure your career is on track, you have a solid roof over your head and you have money in the bank for you (not to bail him out of his next run-in with the law).

2) Spend some time on why you are leaning toward codependency. If you don't know what the word means, find out. Because this is a direction your headed. There is a codependent support group on this board, you can go read some of the posts. You can also attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 3:52pm

"and I want to be right beside him to help him."


Sounds to me like he's a pet that you want to save and protect.

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