Missing Pieces - Making Me Unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces - Making Me Unsure
15
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:02am

Hello all. This is my first post and I need some advice as to how to proceed in this relationship. I'm a gal in my late 20's who's been engaged to a man in his mid forties for about 5 months now. We've dated for about 4 months before he proposed to me. He moved in with me weeks after the proposal.

My fiancee has been married twice before but he doesn't have any kids. My fiancee is very good looking and he has an excellent personality. He's a people's person that everyone loves. All my friends say that I am extremely lucky to have such a "good man." He truly loves me and cherishes me and sometimes goes overboard with all the loving and cherishing. Like I've said before, we've been together for 10 months now and there hasn't been a weekend where we weren't together . . . .

So why am I unsure you might ask? Well first I feel a little rushed as my fiancee wants to get married next year and wants to start having kids within 2 years. I have extreme cold feet about marriage that probably comes from prior failed relationships and my parents' divorce.

Moreover, I'm having a really hard time believing that my fiancee doesn't have any children! I mean, he's in his mid-forties, he was married twice before, and according to my fiancee he and those women were fully capable of having children. Plus, my fiancee's biological clock is ringing loud and clear now as all he can think about is having children of his own. Why did he wait so long?

I asked my fiancee why hasn't he had children by now and he said that he simply didn't feel comfortable having a child with his first wife of 10 years and his second wife of 4 years simply did not want to have children. Sometimes he talks about these failed marriages in detail. As far as the first wife, that was a marriage of convenience of sorts as my fiancee stated that he married her to make her a US Citizen. That women later left my fiancee for his best friend but before that happened, that same woman pulled a knife out on my fiancee during an argument. My fiancee can never recall what the argument was about but he always talks about the knife incident and ends the discussion by saying she was crazy. My fiancee also told me that he made his first wife abort their baby before they got married because, at that time, he wasn't ready to be a father. He also said that if that baby was alive today she would be in her mid to late 20's.

Similarly, my fiancee describes his second wife as being insanely mean and unreasonable and often talks about how she destroyed his personal property and medication during an argument about something my fiancee also cannot recall. On another occasion, my fiancee stated that this same woman told him that, if they had kids, she would make sure that he would never see them. I cannot understand why these women would get so enraged at him or why my fiancee doesn't remember what those arguments were all about? He really seems like a nice guy not only to me but to his family, my family, and to our friends. In fact, his long time friends of 20+ years would do anything (and I mean anything) for him!

One more thing - a few months ago a picture of a little girl of about 8 years old fell out of his wallet. I could tell this was an old picture because of the background and the girl's clothing but, in any event, the little girl did resemble my fiancee. I asked my fiancee who was she on several occasions and each time my fiancee said the little girl was his cousin. He even showed me the contents of his wallet and the only other picture in his wallet was one of his mom. I can understand the picture of his mom but why would he carry around an old picture of his cousin?

Sigh . . . . How can I get to the bottom of all this? Should I keep the engagement and work through this or cut my losses now and leave?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:32pm

The first couple paragraphs had me thinking that you just had cold feet and that you were about to marry a guy that was being honest with you.
After reading the rest, I'm not so sure. I think you need more time to get to know him. Especially if you're feeling strange and uncomfortable with his past. You have instincts for a reason and you should listen to them. I'm not saying dump him on the side of the road today but there are some red flags there and the fact that you're seeting them means something.

(One flag is that a man in his mid-forties moves in with a 28-29 year old woman after a few months? Something is off about that. Just my opinion.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:49pm
Thanks lesley for your reply. Actually, my fiancee proposed to me in his apartment and tried to convince me to move into his place. I said no because my place was bigger and my building allows pets. Although my fiancee was disappointed, he reluctantly gave up his place and moved in with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:54pm

I see, well that does explain that portion of the story.

I still hope you have sufficient time to make a good decision about marriage though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:21pm
Why do you have such a hard time believing him when he tells you he has no kids and didn't want to have them with the psycho lunies he was married to? If I were that man, I wouldn't have had children with them either. He loves you and you seem to be the ideal person for him to have children with. He's probably wanted children for a long time and is anxious to have them. Just tell him to put the breaks on a bit. Let him know that you love him and you're just not ready for a family yet. You said the picture of the 8 yo is old. That could very well be his cousin. Maybe she's the closest thing to a sibling he has. Could she be deceased?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:25pm

I think you need to take things at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you feel like you need more time, tell him. He may not want to wait if he really wants kids, so you will have to factor that in.

One big red flag I saw, was him blaming the failed marriages on his exes. It takes two people to either make or break a relationship. If he hasn't come to terms as to his contributions to the realitionships, positive or negative. Then he is not ready for a committed life long relationship. Of course, this is only my opinion.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:32pm

I don't know anything about that little girl other than what he told me. It's an old picture from the 1970s it seems so that little girl is probably in her mid to late 20's today.

My fiancee doesn't have any sisters (his older sister died when she was young) but he has 2 step brothers . . . . It's kinda sad how his oldest brother came to be but that's another story . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:47pm

I agree with the others. Take your time. Marriage should never happen out of pressure.
Another thing I would do (but that's just me): What's the harm in asking his family members about that little girls picture? Perhaps his family can also give you more background about his marriages. Eitherways, make sure, you are not "looking for reasons" just so you don't have to marry him. If you are not feeling ready, and you really feel something is OFF, then you do not have to go ahead with anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:50pm
Well he'd have to be very young to father a child in her mid to late 20's. He would have been 15 at the oldest age. Maybe the picture is of his deceased sister and talking about it would open up too many wounds. But that theory would seem odd, since he's already opened up about the marriages and the perhaps scariest moment of his life. There is nothing much you can do to "get to the bottom" of who the child is, because he consistently tells you it's his cousin. If you never meet this cousin, then my guess would be the picture is the deceased sister.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:26pm
thank you but I'm curious to know how to approach his family about his prior marriages and that picture. What types of questions should I ask? I only speak to his family when he's there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:31pm
Actually I saw several pictures of his deceased sister. Those pictures are VERY old - like from the 1950's. I think this sister would have been 2 or 3 years older than my fiancee if she was still alive. However, the picture that fell out of his wallet appeared to be from the 1970's or '80s. The little girl was about 8 years old in the picture.

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