Missing Pieces - Making Me Unsure
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:02am |
Hello all. This is my first post and I need some advice as to how to proceed in this relationship. I'm a gal in my late 20's who's been engaged to a man in his mid forties for about 5 months now. We've dated for about 4 months before he proposed to me. He moved in with me weeks after the proposal.
My fiancee has been married twice before but he doesn't have any kids. My fiancee is very good looking and he has an excellent personality. He's a people's person that everyone loves. All my friends say that I am extremely lucky to have such a "good man." He truly loves me and cherishes me and sometimes goes overboard with all the loving and cherishing. Like I've said before, we've been together for 10 months now and there hasn't been a weekend where we weren't together . . . .
So why am I unsure you might ask? Well first I feel a little rushed as my fiancee wants to get married next year and wants to start having kids within 2 years. I have extreme cold feet about marriage that probably comes from prior failed relationships and my parents' divorce.
Moreover, I'm having a really hard time believing that my fiancee doesn't have any children! I mean, he's in his mid-forties, he was married twice before, and according to my fiancee he and those women were fully capable of having children. Plus, my fiancee's biological clock is ringing loud and clear now as all he can think about is having children of his own. Why did he wait so long?
I asked my fiancee why hasn't he had children by now and he said that he simply didn't feel comfortable having a child with his first wife of 10 years and his second wife of 4 years simply did not want to have children. Sometimes he talks about these failed marriages in detail. As far as the first wife, that was a marriage of convenience of sorts as my fiancee stated that he married her to make her a US Citizen. That women later left my fiancee for his best friend but before that happened, that same woman pulled a knife out on my fiancee during an argument. My fiancee can never recall what the argument was about but he always talks about the knife incident and ends the discussion by saying she was crazy. My fiancee also told me that he made his first wife abort their baby before they got married because, at that time, he wasn't ready to be a father. He also said that if that baby was alive today she would be in her mid to late 20's.
Similarly, my fiancee describes his second wife as being insanely mean and unreasonable and often talks about how she destroyed his personal property and medication during an argument about something my fiancee also cannot recall. On another occasion, my fiancee stated that this same woman told him that, if they had kids, she would make sure that he would never see them. I cannot understand why these women would get so enraged at him or why my fiancee doesn't remember what those arguments were all about? He really seems like a nice guy not only to me but to his family, my family, and to our friends. In fact, his long time friends of 20+ years would do anything (and I mean anything) for him!
One more thing - a few months ago a picture of a little girl of about 8 years old fell out of his wallet. I could tell this was an old picture because of the background and the girl's clothing but, in any event, the little girl did resemble my fiancee. I asked my fiancee who was she on several occasions and each time my fiancee said the little girl was his cousin. He even showed me the contents of his wallet and the only other picture in his wallet was one of his mom. I can understand the picture of his mom but why would he carry around an old picture of his cousin?
Sigh . . . . How can I get to the bottom of all this? Should I keep the engagement and work through this or cut my losses now and leave?

Pages
The first couple paragraphs had me thinking that you just had cold feet and that you were about to marry a guy that was being honest with you.
After reading the rest, I'm not so sure. I think you need more time to get to know him. Especially if you're feeling strange and uncomfortable with his past. You have instincts for a reason and you should listen to them. I'm not saying dump him on the side of the road today but there are some red flags there and the fact that you're seeting them means something.
(One flag is that a man in his mid-forties moves in with a 28-29 year old woman after a few months? Something is off about that. Just my opinion.)
I see, well that does explain that portion of the story.
I still hope you have sufficient time to make a good decision about marriage though.
I think you need to take things at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you feel like you need more time, tell him. He may not want to wait if he really wants kids, so you will have to factor that in.
One big red flag I saw, was him blaming the failed marriages on his exes. It takes two people to either make or break a relationship. If he hasn't come to terms as to his contributions to the realitionships, positive or negative. Then he is not ready for a committed life long relationship. Of course, this is only my opinion.
Amber
I don't know anything about that little girl other than what he told me. It's an old picture from the 1970s it seems so that little girl is probably in her mid to late 20's today.
My fiancee doesn't have any sisters (his older sister died when she was young) but he has 2 step brothers . . . . It's kinda sad how his oldest brother came to be but that's another story . . . .
I agree with the others. Take your time. Marriage should never happen out of pressure.
Another thing I would do (but that's just me): What's the harm in asking his family members about that little girls picture? Perhaps his family can also give you more background about his marriages. Eitherways, make sure, you are not "looking for reasons" just so you don't have to marry him. If you are not feeling ready, and you really feel something is OFF, then you do not have to go ahead with anything.
Pages