Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
29
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:52pm
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 4:36pm

OMG!! See? Your instincts knew that something wasn't right.

I'm not sure if you should contact her or not. I would just walk away if it were me. I'd be tempted to contact her, but what good will it do? The bottom line is he told you a HUGE lie and that's a giant red flag.

I vote drop him. You deserve better and you know it. You sensed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:31pm

Hey guys thanks for getting me through all this over the last few days . . . .

I ended the relationship about an hour ago. I started the conversation by asking him whether he has ever lived in my borough before and, of course, he denied living at those prior addresses listed on his public record reports . . . . .

I let that slide and went in for the kill by asking him when was his divorce to his second wife finalized. He said it was finalized in November 2004. Wait - I should tell you that he gave me all the passwords to all of his emails this afternoon and I found 3 email exchanges from him and this 2nd wife from about April 29, 2005 through May 7, 2005. Anyway, I proceeded to read those emails out loud to him. In those emails, my ex-fiancee was requesting their pre-nupt agreements and any other material contracts so that he could file the divorce. The 2nd wife was beside herself because she thought the divorce was already finalized. She also asked my ex to stop calling her mother's house to leave a message for her there. She basically said "once this divorce is finalized, please divorce my family too . . ."

Once I finished reading these emails, I asked my ex again when was this divorce was finalized. He started tap dancing and said that he had first thought that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 but then learned that it was not. He has since filed the divorce papers and the divorce decree was issued last month.

I began to explain to him that he lied to me and betrayed me throughout our relationship since he told me that he had divorced her 4 years ago - a flat out lie. So basically, I have unknowingly been living and sleeping with a married man for the past 9 months! I've introduced this man to all of my family, friends, and co-workers and have presented him to the world as my future husband! Hell, he continued to lie to me tonight by first saying that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 when (according to him) it was finalized in September 2005 (see above)! This man not only dated me, but he proposed to me and moved into my apartment knowing full well that he was still legally married.

After all that, I told him that the relationship is over and that he should make arrangements to move out of the apartment immediately. I hate liar and manipulators and I cannot live the rest of my life verifying every word he says . . . He agreed to move out of the apartment but after making a last ditch effort to change my mind by saying I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to loose you, I love you, I was dumb, everyone told me to tell you upfront, etc. . . . He even tried to ask whether this could be patched up and whether we could start again in the future and I replied "I need some space." I have spent every single weekend with him for the past 10 months! I need a break . . . .

He then asked me whether he could sleep here tonight and I told him "I don't know where you are going to sleep." So he proceeded to pack his overnight bag and bounced. But before departing, he tried to "Get a Kiss Goodnight" so to speak and I refused and requested that he return the house keys. I also returned the engagement ring and his check for his share of the rent for this month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 10:04pm

I'm so sorry you had to go through this... however I think you did right. I'm glad that you didn't contact the ex-wife. We as women have a tendency to blame the other woman or to confront her when really it's the guy at fault.


I would pack his stuff and have it ready for when he returns, this way he knows you're serious.


Good luck during the next few days and weeks. I know we're strangers to you, but please feel free to come here and lean on us.


Please keep us posted and let us know how you're doing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 11:33pm
Thank you hon for your offer and welll wishes. I truly need much support during these trying times . . . . I've added you to my friends list. Feel free to email me anytime. Same goes for the other posters on here.


Edited 10/5/2005 11:37 pm ET ET by kilah_p
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 12:33am
*hugs* You did the right thing, and your strength in doing so is impressive. I don't really know what to say other than I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you're not alone!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 9:02am

Wow. You are a strong lady. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's so unfairl sometimes, but you did the right thing and can be proud of that.

You may consider visiting the Breaking Up is Hard to Do board. You'll get wonderful support there (as well as from here) and you could also help lots of women there who don't have near your strength and wisdom.

Best to you
- blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 9:02am

Actually, I am very impressed. You had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and instead of sticking your head in the ground you did some research and came up with some facts. Then you confronted him and verified your concerns.

But rather than listen to his pleas you took immediate and decisive action. Big kudos. This could have dragged out for weeks. Good work, one day you will meet your prince and know it right off the bat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:40am
Thanks hon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:42am
Thanks blondie and please keep in touch and I will do the same to you and the rest of the board. I've already posted to "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" and they know the story . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:43am
Yeah Chamey let's *hope* I meet my prince. Any ideas where I can find a Prince in New York City??

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