Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
29
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:52pm
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 12:18pm
I know this may seem odd coming from a stranger but I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I know this whole thing couldn't have been near easy but you are so strong for doing it. With all the women I see just ignoring all sorts of warning signs, it's so refreshing to see someone that took control and wasn't afraid of losing a guy. You are not alone and I'm so impressed with your actions!
You will find that right guy in NYC because you're not willing to waste time with the wrong ones!
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 12:43pm
Thank you hon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 2:02pm

Well they are getting a divorce,. right, so I assume their relationship is over

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 2:42pm

Yeah several people have warned against phoning the 2nd wife since she is not apart of the dispute. And, yes, my ex should have told me that he is still married and is in the process of filing for a divorce as soon as we met since this was one of the first questions I asked him. Instead, he lied and said he had been divorced from that 2nd wife for 4 years.

I have no idea how long this divorce proceeding has been going on or whether or not it is finalized or even started for that matter. The County Clerk's Office will only give the final divorce decree to the husband, wife, or the attorney of record so I don't have a definitive answer on that. He *said* that the divorce was finalized last month but for all I know this could be another lie. I also don't buy his story that he *thought* the divorce was finalized back in November 2004 (before we met), nor do I like the fact that it took him 6 months just to allegedly get the ball rolling on filing the divorce papers . . . . .

All I know is that I feel like total crap right now and I'm getting dizzy . . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 3:01pm
How did you know to go checking at the clerk's office for this particular issue?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 3:48pm
Oh because many people have suggested that I search the public records for this information. Also, the County Clerk's office is the place where all the marriage and divorce records are filed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:39pm

I know this is a difficult and painful time for you, and I'm sorry.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:51pm

Thank you Jilly. Now the part about my ex not knowing that the divorce had not occurred is sketchy enough since I'm sure his lawyer or the court would've kept him updated.

But the fact that he waited 6 months later to request the prenupt from wife #2 and to actually file the divorce is besides me, especially since HE was the one who said how unbearable that marriage was to him and how he wanted a divorce ASAP! It's as if he was holding off on filing the divorce until he secured someone else (i.e. me). I say that because he requested the prenupt from wife #2 about the same time he proposed to me . . .And, yeah, he tried to go outta his way to get that prenupt by calling the wife's mom but this was too little too late in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:59am

So the ex came by last night to pick up some of his things and this is what happened:

He basically talked me to death for about 1 1/2 hours. In short, he said that he had been separated from his 2nd wife since February 2004. Around that time both he and she signed petitions stating that the divorce was uncontested and that each party waived all rights to alimony and so forth. He claims he gave his notarized statement to her and she was supposed to file the papers with the County Clerk's office. They were basically trying to divorce each other outside of court.

Fast forward to November 2004: Ex states that he never received any additional papers confirming the divorce and wondered why.

Early Dec. 2004: He goes to the County Clerk's office and discovers that the papers were never filed and that he's still married.

Late Dec. 2004: We meet. I asked him point blank is he divorced and he said "yes." I asked him how long he's been married and he said "4 years." I asked him how long has he been divorced and he also said "4 years." I continued to ask similar questions about the divorce for the next 10 months and kept getting the same answers.

The Ex also claims that he tried to contact the 2nd wife from January to May 2005 trying to get "marriage contracts" and other items to give to his lawyer so that the divorce papers could be filed. He stated that he left messages for her at her job, cell, and with the wife's mom but to no avail. He claims the emails I read resulted from his lawyer serving the papers on the wife.

The Ex then says that the divorce papers have since been filed and that they are awaiting the final decision from the judge.

Obviously he lied to me about his marital status from the very beginning and continued to lie about this and the status of the divorce throughout our relationship, even through last night (the divorce was not finalized in November 2004 or last month and is still pending). I gave him several chances to "come clean" and tell the truth but, instead, he decided to lie, lie, and lie. I told him that he could not be trusted and that he is a very selfish and deceitful person; a big perpetual liar!

He agreed and admitted that what he did to me was wrong but also claims that he did not have malicious intent and he did those things because he was scared of loosing me. He stated that he knew I wouldn't even talk to him if I knew that his divorce was not finalized. Although that outcome may have resulted, that's the chance he had to take as I am entitled to make my own decisions.

I told him that his intent does not matter, the fact that he lied about something so material and continued to lie while knowing the status of his divorce speaks volummes about his character. He can blame it on being scared, stupid, or whatever, the fact that he was able to lie, deceive and manipulate me for 10 months shows what he is capable of. My ex even said that other people encouraged him to just tell me the truth but still he decided to lie. And although he swore to me that he would never do something like that again and that I can speak to his attorney and check all of his email accounts to verify what he's saying is true, I declined his offer. It doesn't matter what the lawyer said, what those emails say, or his intent. Who's to say that he won't act the same way again when confronted with this type of crisis?

Bottom line I told him that I could never trust him again and the type of harm he caused me will probably never be repaired. He suggested that we go to counseling but, to be honest with you, I don't think any counselor would able to restore my faith and trust in this man. He F'ed up big time and he knows that. He can't take back the lies and manipulation.

As a last ditch effort, he brought up all the other positive things he did in our relationship like never sleeping with another woman, always being by my side, helping me with anything I needed help with, etc. Yes I agreed that he was good to me and that this was the only infringement I had with him. However, the fact that this problem is SOOO huge in my opinion is more than any white lie could ever be. He lied about his marital status and caused me to be engaged to and live with a married man! Hell, it's almost like he HAD to be good to me for committing such a HUGE SIN!

So that's what happened. We both agreed that I need my space and he will be moving his things out of my house on Saturday . . . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:25pm

So he had this whole divorce brouhaha going on behind your back the whole time and neglected to mention it. Then he mentions that one of the "nice" things he did for you was not have sex with another woman.

This is not the man with whom you would want to spend the rest of your life.

Take the rest of his stuff and drop it over at his mother's house. Change your locks, block his number and move on with your life.