Is this a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Is this a mistake?
8
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:08am

Hi everyone:

Some of you may remember my situation with my ex-boyfriend (whom I broke up with about 3 weeks ago) and the guy I have been seeing for basically as long as I have been broken up from my boyfriend. I have known him for about 3 months and we briefly hooked up while I was broken up from my boyfriend for the first time. I also told you that he is going to Vegas but it didn’t matter because I DO NOT want a relationship right now.

Ok well, here is the thing: I am slowly starting to fall for him.

When I first met him and started to hang out with him, I was 100% sure I would not want to be his girlfriend at any point in time because of several reasons. Well, I am starting to develop feelings for him and it confuses me. I thought I was not ready for another relationship so soon after my break up and I told him that and he acknowledged it.
But now, after seeing how good he is to me and how much I enjoy spending time with him and how much we laugh and the way I can be MYSELF when I am with him, I am finding myself having feelings for him. He is not my “dream guy” and I didn’t feel any huge fireworks (except the sexual kind) when we first met but he is just so kind and sweet and one of my best friends who met him (and spent time with the 2 of us) this past weekend really liked him and thinks he is an awesome guy. It is wonderful and obviously I cannot control how I feel about him, but I really just wanted to take some time off from dating anyone and now I am finding myself in this situation.

Now I need to ask you this: Am I stressing myself over nothing? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens since I love the way he makes me feel? Or should I stick to my original plan and just stay friends with him (which would be extremely hard since I can’t even stop myself from returning his calls, even though I really tried)??? Any advice/suggestions/comments are greatly appreciated!!!!

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:06am


Do you think you still have any residue left from your last relationship. Are you emotionally over it completely? Only you can answer that. With me, after a break up, I am usually so distraught, ready to cry, missing him (even if I was the one to initiate that breakup), always thinking about the past etc, and that to me, is surely not the time to think about dating, even if I like a guy. Because eventually, I might start taking out my frustration on the new guy (has happened in the past) or might just become resistant to go at a speed he might want to.

If you really want to keep this friend around then perhaps you must have a talk with him and let him know you like him but you do want to go slow. Just be honest with him. If the pace is right and you feel comfortable then all's good. If not, you would have to stop at that point and re-analyze your direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:23am

Well, the thing is…just this past Thursday, I found myself calling my ex-boyfriend and leaving him a message crying (Yes, I was very intoxicated at that point) that I think him and I are meant to be together and that I miss him etc etc etc…

Yes, while I still miss him and think about him a lot, I realize that our relationship could never work right now since he is just beginning his career and works 140 hours a week. There just is not enough time for “us” and it caused fights and I would cry almost everyday over the relationship.

I am happier now overall but I honestly think I will always miss my ex and always wonder “what if”. We decided to remain friends but we have not spoken for about 3 weeks to try to cool things off so that we both feel we have moved on.

I have told the man I am seeing now that I am still in “recovery” mode and that it will take me time to fully get over my ex-boyfriend and while I am doing that, I want to take things slow. He STILL wants to be with me. I just do not know what to do. I find myself thinking about the man I am seeing and wanting to talk to him and wanting to see him and it makes me happy, then the next moment I think about my ex and I feel like my heart is twisting.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:27am

Why not give yourself a month or two alone so you can move on? If it's meant to be with the new guy, then things will work out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:13pm

I do second Sheri's idea.
Although, if you feel like talking to the new guy and spending time with him makes u feel nice then I don't see anything wrong with that, if he can get himself on the same page as well and not expect much. Perhaps you both can hang out regularly but in a controlled manner.

Ideally, since you feel like you are still at the stage where you are being torn with thoughts of your ex, then perhaps taking a little time off to get settled and let go would help. And yes, it is best to not be in touch with your ex at this time (although it will be hard) because it will only make you emotional again and you will end up repeating the healing stage you just managed to cross.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:57pm
In my experience, you can't help the way you feel. Is it worth giving up on what might be something great because you MIGHT end up being hurt? If you are falling for him, I don't think you'll be able to keep things casual, no matter how rational it might seem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:23pm

Sheri- That is what I want to do, but it is turning out to be a harder task than i ever expected since I enjoy spending time with the new man and he absolutely adores me.

squeevil- I know, it is difficult to deny feelings, they just ARE. I could attempt to not see him for a while but that will be very difficult as well.

I think I need to give it a shot. I am not necessarily worried about getting hurt but there is a possibility that he will. But isn't that the risk you take in every relationship? You put yourself out there and very often one or both parties will get hurt? I am not saying I will definitely not be with him but who knows...I think I owe HIM the chance of a relationship, he wants it and I have led him on long enough for him to develop feelings for me and I feel if I cut him out right now, he will be confused and hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:04pm
You don't say how long you were seeing your ex boyfriend or the emotional toll the relationship took.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:13pm

I was with my ex for over a year, broke up and got back together again. The thing is, the relationship was emotionally very very draining for me, we fought almost every week and I cried almost every day at some point. I know from about day 3 that him and I should NOT be together but I wanted to give it a shot and then I fell in love with him. This is exactly why I love being with the new man, because this relationship doesn't drain me...it makes me energized and happy in fact.