Mixed Emotions Caused by Mixed Signals
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:10pm |
I have met many of his very close friends and they know that his introducing me means I'm his girlfriend becasue he never, ever brought a girl around, so they know it has to be serious. He has told me things like "you're the only one" and "with all my heart I want to make you happy" and "i'd rather be with you than anyone else".
His best friend is a woman. Which I have been dealing with being okay with! lol In the past he has wanted to date her, but she doesn't want to, she wants to just be friends and he has told me that he has come to terms with that and that they are just very close best friends now. Her husband left her (after beating her up) and she is now living alone with her son. We've talked about the situation and he swears that I'm his and he's mine and that they are just friends and he protects/takes care of her like he does his own sister. And I trust that he is telling me the truth. She even calls me his girlfriend and talks about us doing things with her and a date.
There's days that I have no doubts whatsoever about us. Everything is just fine and wonderful. Then some days, he seems distant. He told my best friend one day about a month ago, that he really liked being with me and that he has been DEBATING about things moving forward and getting more serious but at this time we are not together/together. Huh??? We only date each other, everyone calls us boyfriend and girlfriend, we go out at least twice and week and see each other/talk to each other 5 or 6 days a week.
I'm afriad that we are not on the same page sometimes. Everyone who knows us thinks he is completely into me. I've even had people go as far as to say that they think he is in love with me, just by the way he acts and looks at me. my best friend tells me to talk to him about it. But when I do, I get the same response, he loves being with me... And we discuss doing things in the
at this point in time I have no idea what to think. I don't want to continue falling deeper in love with him if he is just going to change his mind. I am just very confused...
Any thoughts anyone???

if they man has not defined and does not value and prioritize a committed relationship - there won't be one with you or anybody else -no matter how much sex, conversation, time, and interests you share and spend together.
He's said that you're not "together/together" - whatever that means - it means that he still obviously perceives that he's free to do what he wants with his life in general - and if he wants to include you he can...but he's under no obligation to do it.
Life is about risk.....you can't be in relationships without risk.
It is best put by saying you've got to accept the person for who they are (not what they bring to your life or what you perceive they'll bring if they commit) and go one day at a time. Because life is lived one day at a time.
Values and priorities that each individual has for themselves determines what they do, want, say, think, feel, decide and desire. So you can't make someone want 'a relationship" if they don't want one...no matter what you do, offer, or sacrifice to change their mind.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
The way it is is that you and your BF are *not* on the same page. Doesn't matter what he calls you or the fact that he introduces you to people. Doesn't matter in the least that you're exclusive. Most everybody is exclusive these days and most men WANT to be exlusive, once they find someone who's good enough, because it's simply too much work and trouble to keep dating women. You're his first GF? All the more reason for him to want to be exclusive. And all the more reason you two are not on the same page.
Face it. He does not now see a future for the two of you. Oh, it could happen. Then again, the stock market could hit 11000 tomorrow. You never know. You WANT to see a future with him. So you're looking for -- and to some degree, finding -- reasons that indicate you have a future with him. But you don't have any future with him until HE says you do. And he's saying the opposite.
What he meant by what he told your friend is that only a part of him is "with you" and committed to you. Which means he's keepig his options open. The other part of him is free, in his opinion, to do whatever he wants to do.
Decide if the relationship is OK with you as it is, which is a relationship that's just day to day, and still "exploratory". Even though you want it to be serious, and even though it feels like it's serious, it's not. Not to HIM, at all, at this point.
And then ask him where he sees himself in five years...and if what you get is "I haven't really thought about it" - then he means that he's just taking life as it comes, and at some point when he sees that fewer good options nad opportuntieis are his - he'll "settle" with someone in a relationship - if he prioritizes a relationship at all. As he ages, he'll have a harder time just finding "women who want to date but odn't want a relationship"...so he'll have to settle for some obligation and responsiblity in order to keep the sex, benefits, ease, and convenience of a relationship in his life.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I'm going to assume, by the way that you're young, mid 20s or so, and that he's about the same. Even if you're a bit older, I'd still feel the same way. I'm in my 40s, for what that's worth.
"he swears that I'm his and he's mine and that they are just friends and he protects/takes care of her like he does his own sister." Mystic... think about this. Doesn't matter that she knows you are his GF or that he swears he only wants to be with you. He does only want to be with you! But the simple fact is that, even though he's not sexually involved with her, he is *emotionally involved * with her and, perhaps more importantly, he feels *responsible* towards her.
Grown up men protect and take care of only one woman: Their Wife. Then, their daughters. This man's "friend" is a lot more than a friend -- emotionally and in his psyche. Even though he's not sleeping with her and even though doesn't want to sleep with her. Why would he want to sleep with her, when he has you?
He has his cake and he's eating it, too. He has you, his Girlfriend, and this other woman, his Friend -- that, by the way, he at one time wanted to date and have sex with. He is Keeping His Options Open -- whether he realizes it or not. He LIKES the fact that his Friend sees him as her protector. His Friend *wants* him as her protector. His Friend probably even encourages this feeling... in other words, this Friend keeps your Boyfriend "hanging on" to some extent. Because, as you know, your Boyfriend was and still is (on the backburner of his mind) sexually attracted to her, even though he's not having sex with her. How in the world does that make you feel? Me, I'd be damned angry.... then I'd be outta there, and fast.
"He told my best friend one day about a month ago, that he really liked being with me and that he has been DEBATING about things moving forward and getting more serious but at this time we are not together/together."
If you are sure you can handle this, sit him down and start a conversation based on what your best friend told you he said. Ask him why he's not sure about moving things forward. Ask him what he wants from you. Erin's suggstion was also great, but I'd say ask him where he wants to be in 2 or 3 years, not five. Five is too long for anyone to think about unless they're at least 30-35 years old.
BE PREPARED to be disappointed when he gives you ambivalent, no-answer answers. Point is... he doesn't know what he wants. From you. Now or later. 2, 3 or 5 years from now. That's why he's keeping his options open.
So be prepared to tell him how you feel (that you want a future with him, or at least, you want the relationship to start moving forward) and be prepared to be willing to take action if and when he doesn't respond to your needs and desires. He will probably say "I like things the way they are now". You will be doing most of the talking and it will not be easy. You will be revealing your true feelings to him. Can you handle that?
The alternative is to keep quiet and hope he "comes around". You can be hoping for a long time. Meanwhile, you'll fall more and more in love with him and risk more of a danger of having your heart broken.
"Everyone who knows us thinks he is completely into me." He IS completely into you -- when he's with you! But that does not mean he takes responsibility for you or the relationship. He doesn't! He only is in the moment with you. Sure, he looks and acts like he's crazy about you sometimes when you're together. But unless he's willing to take some responsibility for where the relationship is going, it doesn't mean much. At least, it doesn't mean what you want it to mean.
Sorry to hurt your feelings. But for your own sake, see this relationship for what it is and not just the way you want it to be. Then, have an honest heart to heart with him. Put him on the spot. You are entitled to know. And be prepared to **force him** to give you some honest answers when he is vague and non-commital about what he wants from you, and where he wants the relationship to go.
It's going to be a difficult conversation for both of you. Just remember: you are entitled to know, and based on how your feeling, you owe it to yourself to find out. Good luck.