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| Tue, 10-09-2007 - 7:08pm |
Hi all,
A year ago in November, I although not looking, met a man in an online arts forum. He was just getting over a bad breakup with his live-in girlfriend of three years. He lives eight hours away. From that day we met we have spent at least an hour every night talking, sometimes we talked for up to 8 hours. He always, every single night, at least calls to tell me goodnight. He's my first thought in the morning, I'm his last thought at night. He said that I'm what helped pull him out of a very dark place, and that I am almost like reading a story about the perfect girl. He actually says he trusts me because he has come to learn I am unlike the girls he has known in the past. In January I told him that I love him. ONE time about a month later, he told me the same. We were already fantasizing about living together. He is an amazing person, I sometimes just get overwhelmed with his good qualities. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is unfailingly honest, for one thing. So far, everything's perfect, right?
Now, in March, he says something funny. Being as I'm 29, I don't really think in labels like "boyfriend." But I did refer to him that way in conversation, and he said "well technically I haven't asked you to be my girlfriend YET." At this point his reasoning was we hadn't met. Made sense to me although my myspace page said "in a relationship." His said and still says "single, not looking." Yet he talks about our future together easily, despite the fact that the only way we could have one is if he eventually marries me, since immigration to the states is so difficult. Yes, I'd leave family home job and country for him. In May, we met for four days, and in his words, "he grows fonder of me every day he sees me." However, he is used to dating girls who are 5'7 who weigh 100lbs. I am 5'4 and weigh 170. (Still very attractive though:)) He had to struggle a little with his physical expectations, but said that that is not enough of a reason to come between us, because what we have is so good. I'm losing little by little - I'd already lost 60 lbs when he met me.
We met again in July, then September, and he's unexpectedly coming up in three weeks. He just out of the blue decided he can't wait to see me. When I went down to visit, he introduced me to every single person who had any importance to him. He calls me his girl from Canada. Both times I went down, I was expecting him to "ask me" to be his girlfriend officially since he now has met me. We still talk for hours every night. He makes me so happy all the time, except for this. I've told him that eventually a lack of decision becomes a glaringly obvious decision, and that I love him, but this nebulousness is making me unhappy. He knows I am waiting for it. He says he doesn't want to lose me. He calls himself an @sshole for putting me through this, and doesn't know why he can't just let the words out. He fears I will leave him like his last girlfriend, but says he's been treating me so badly he wouldn't blame me if he did. He says I deserve so much more from him. He's not playing me...he does feel bound to me, monogamously: I have external confirmation from people I trust in his life that I am his only "girl." I also know this because two weeks ago he kissed a girl that he had been flirting with goodbye. He was so upset by the disloyalty of it, he was in tears. He left his weekend holiday a day early and went home to remove the temptation, and immediately called to confess it. During our discussions of this, he told me he loves me three times. That makes four in total during the almost year.
I am hoping that he will make us official when he comes in three weeks. But...
If he loves me, should it be this difficult a decision? If he doesn't ask me, should I leave him?

Everyone handles things differently.
Wow! He does sound like a very nice man. However, when you dream of a relationship with the man is he saying things like "I don't know why I can't say it?" You sound like a wonderful person. You are smart. I always beleive that when something is nagging at you in a relationship then it's something that is not right. You can't force him to do anything. But, you CAN make choices for yourself. When I'm in a relationship and I make it clear to the man what makes me happy and what doesn't. If he chooses to do something that doesn't make me happy. Then he's made his choice. He chose to make me unhappy versus happy. Who wants a guy like that? Which in turn makes me have to make a choice. It's simple. You can accept his answer or not accept his answer. I have to be honest. He sounds a little hokey to me. When a man loves a woman he doesn't say "I don't know why I can't say it". If he does have previous issues from other women tell him "You know! I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved. You deserve to find resolution to your problems. Call me when you feel like your in a better place and can love me the way I want to be loved." For chrips sakes your not asking him to buy a million dollar ring. You are only asking for words.
You go girl. Be proactive in your love life. Don't let your man just happen in your life. Take an active roll in getting the love you want. Don't wait for him to come around.
Who "asks" someone to be their girlfriend??? I can understand having a discussion about dating exclusively, but "will you be my girlfriend" sounds like something out of jr. high.
This man is telling you who he is and how he feels. Do him the favor of believing him. He isn't committed to you. He kissed someone else. He won't identify you as a significant other. He won't give you any affirmation that you are the one he wants in his life, to the exclusion of all others. Why does he get to call the shots like this? Isn't what you want and need important? Exclusive dating isn't the commitment of a lifetime, it's dating exclusively to see how the relationship develops. If he can't even do that much, I don't see why you are hanging around.
LDRs are very, very hard. You seem to spend a lot of time talking on the phone, but that's kind of a virtual reality, if you know what I mean. In the real world, he's kissing someone else and won't commit even at the first level with you. If you had a friend that was in a relationship like yours, you would tell her to tell him what she wants, and if he won't give it, then move on.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7