mixed signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
mixed signals
5
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:44pm
so i have been seeing this guy who is older - im 20 and hes 27. We have been sleeping together for about a month now. He told me a while ago he didnt want a girlfriend and wants to date around. But he says he still wants to be bed buddies until one of us meets someone else. But whenever we are together, he always talks about how we first met and what our song should be, and how he thinks certain things i do are cute. Is he just confused and maybe likes me more then he thinks, or is just not ready to commit? im not sure what to think???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:34pm
I think you're in for a lot of heartache if you are sleeping with him because you have strong emotions for him. He already said he just wanted to be friends. So you have to take that at face value and not read anything more into the sex than that. Remember, guys can detach the emotions from the sex act far easier than women can. If you continue to have sex, you have to assume it's just for the physical pleasure unless or until he says otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:33pm
so we talked a couple of nights ago, he asked me how i was with this "arrangement". he told me he was scared of commitment. He had hurt himself and the ex-girlfriend and it would be a long time before he was able to commit to anyone. But he still flirts with me, tells me im beautiful, that he thinks of me often. so should i just give it time and see what happens and be patient??? or should i ask him straight up, if he wants to wait and see, or if its stricly about the sex??
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:45pm
Pretty much everyone has been hurt at one point or another. If a girl came along who he felt was just what he was looking for, he'd have no problem committing to her. He'd snatch her up in a second. I feel that you are heading for a world of pain in this situation. He enjoys your company and likes you. He enjoys having sex with you. Are you the girl of his dreams that he wants to spend his life with. No. He would not still be looking if you were. He'd know by now. You can wait and see if you want to but I highly doubt this is going to change into anything other than it is. He's with you for the time being, but you'll be history when someone else comes along who is more what he's looking for. The "hurt by the ex" and "afraid of commitment" lines are just that -- lines.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:41am
I have met plenty of his type. He cares for you, but the thought of being stuck is WAY too scary for him to think about, he wants to be sure he still has all of his freedom while enjoying your goods. I think it would be best for you to get out of this relationship. It isnt healthy. He is treating you like a girlfriend that he is allowed to cheat on. It isnt fair and if you are only "bed buddies", you are using eachother. from what you have said, you will probably be the one who is hurt in the end. Good Luck with whatever you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:46am
Meaning no disrespect - Even if you, sweetness, end up being his girlfriend at some point in the future - right now his reality is that he is a commitmentphobe and his "lines" are what keep him safe, secure and single. He is obviously NOT ready for something serious but that has NOTHING to do with you. I don't think there is an exact time frame for "knowing." It seems to me that he does not know what he wants regardless of whether or not the answer is right in front of his face. But he certainly should not get the benefits of a lover without the responsibility of a partner. When he asks you how you feel about your situation - tell him how you really feel. Cheesy but true - honesty is the best policy. Don't keep it inside. And if he is scared by your true feelings than he is NOT the one for you. What was said in the post i'm responding to really bothered me both because of the harshness of its tone and that it seems to say "if you were this or that, he'd want you, but you're not, so tough." There are no rules - no set dates to know. I do agree that you are headed for a world of pain and I suggest a GREAT book: "He's SCared, She's scared" bu Steven CArter and Julia Sokel. Helped me learn to walk away when a man can talk the talk but NEVER walks the walk.