Mixed Signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Mixed Signals
7
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:28pm

I've been dating this guy for roughly three months. Up til now things have been great, he almost seemed perfect. Then two nights ago, we were chatting online making fun of each other as usual and he tells me he thinks we should break up. I was in total shock. Usually, I'm very good at telling when a relationship has gone sour. He told me that he still wanted to hang out and have fun but we wouldn't be "together." So, I asked him if brought this up because he just sees me as a good girl friend. Then, he told me he liked me more than a friend . He said we shouldn't see each other because he has relationship troubles. He wouldn't clarify what that meant. He mentioned something happened in the past, he doesn't have a good relationship with either of his parents and doesnt think he can have a relationship. The only person he's discussed this past event with was a train professional. Then, he says I'll talk to you more tomorrow.

The next day comes. I go to his place to have lunch and brace myself for the inevitable break up talk. I get there and it's as if the conversation never happened. I asked him if there was anything he needed to discuss with me and he says no. Ever since, he's been acting, well, normal.

He's a wonderful person, very caring and I like him a lot, but this concerns me a little. I know it sounds selfish but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to date some one with a lot of baggage from thier past. Am I heading for disaster? I think I need a little advice with this one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: lisica81
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:35pm
When a guy tells you they aren't ready for a relationship, believe him. His poor relationship with his parents are signs that he cannot fathom a mature give and take situation. At any rate, he doesn't want a relationship, but he does want to keep the door open. He wants a FWB deal. Whether or not you've had sex with him, he has that in mind and figures if he keeps you as a friend, them sexual relations will happen in the future.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisica81
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:29pm

Yes, if you want anything more than hanging out and having "fun", you are headed for disaster. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, so he now considers himself "off the hook"--if you choose to continue to hang out with him, it won't be his fault if you're hurt when things don't progress down the road.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
In reply to: lisica81
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:58pm

Wow, thanks for the fast replies. I've sorta run into another problem... literally 30 minutes after I posted.. He asked me out for a study session and coffee. During our break, he asked how I felt about going to Florida with him to see his grandparents. I'm not sure how approach him with my concerns over our friendship?

Sorry for all my whining, I've just never been so confused by one man so much. Nor have experienced such a wide range of emotions as this in three days.

Thanks again ~ lisi

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisica81
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 6:22pm

Well, assuming you do want something "more" to come out of this than just fun and games, I think something along the lines of "I appreciate the offer, but I think it's best if we don't have any contact for a while because I want a serious relationship down the road and you do not. I'll be in touch when I'm ready to just be platonic friends." would be appropriate.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: lisica81
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:42pm
Okay, let me get this straight. The guy doesn't want a relationship, but he wants to take you to Florida to meet his grandparents? It doesn't add up! Maybe he needs someone to foot the bill? Getting involved with him will only be an emotional drain. He sounds too confused. Don't waste your best dating years waiting for some guy to "find himself".
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
In reply to: lisica81
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:52am

Okay, I think you need to have a talk with him "face-to-face". He told you about the break-up on the internet, NOT "in person" am I right? And the next day he is acting normal. Well, that would make anyone confused! U really, really need to clarify things ONCE AGAIN with him, to see what's on his mind. Do it when you are right in front of him. Ask him is he still serious about what he said the other day about the break-up?

It sure looks like he is figuring himself out, doesn't want to lose you, doesn't want to hurt you down the road because he does not seem to trust his own self.

So talk to him once again, and take some time on your own to decide your next course of action, which you are comfortable with.

But let me tell you, the prognosis for a long-term relationship with an unpredictable man unsure of himself, and his feelings, is quite slim. You decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: lisica81
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 4:04pm

You're very right for this to concern you.

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