Moody Men!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Moody Men!!!
7
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:27pm
Does anyone have a guy who is moody??? I guess the better question is, what do you do with him???

My bf and I have talked before about how he sometimes gets moody. So far, I've been able to handle his moods. Most of the time around me he is up and only sometimes gets moody. Usually it is just quiet.

this week has been very stressful on me because my father is going to have to have heart surgery next week. And for some reason, my bf decided this was the week to be grumpy!! I don' tknow what to do with him, so I finally asked him about it when the mood went on for a few days. He readily agrees he is grumpy, but says he doesn't know why and that it will pass.

How do you deal with your grumpy SO? How do you keep from thinking that somehow it might be your fault!!???

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:41pm
Moody aka - sensitive, shy, reticent.....more accurately - insecure and immature.

What are moods...they're simply reponses to feelings.

People that believe that feelings are facts, goals, calls to action, or used to determine what to do or how to act in situations are what? They're "children" - that is precisely waht CHILDREN do. They're immature and insecure in the adult world - and they're not allowed adult privileges, and have all sorts of rules and supervision - along with temper tantrums and rebellion.

Your boyfriend is moody becuase he believes happines is found in a particular "feeling" - and so anytime thre is too much work, too little money, not enouogh fun, too much stress...he's "responding to his feelings" - rather than assessing why he feels as he does, what he needs to responsibly and intelligently do to change his situations - and that will change his feelings....and if he has "good feelings" he can have "good moods"...and in that self-responsible approach to life - he can also have bad feelings and not take it out on anybody around him and still live up to reponsibilities and achieve goals.

He's immature and insecure...the more he's catered to, placated, soothed, and passified the bigger a "baby" he'll become becuase that tells him "have a mood and everybody wil cater to your wishes, get you a cookie, offer you a present, or fix your problems"...and his "answer" to how to live life successfully off the efforts, sacrificies and abilities of others will be to "have a mood", just like a 6 year old. Only, this one can't be sent to bed, spanked, or not allowed to go swimming on Saturday! He's got the rights and privileges of an adult - and like a rebellious, moody, immature, insecure one - he'll utilize them to your destruction if you're with him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 12:57pm
Hey Mystic Angel! Yup, my beloved is pretty moody as well- but I learned early on how to deal with it. First off, he is a Cancer (astro sign); Cancers are naturally moody. I am not some kind of Astro freak, but I believe in basic sign traits. My man told me early on that he is moody; he recognizes it and tries to work on it.

Now my man is never mean or abusive; that is unexcuseable. Sometimes he is very happy and silly, other times he is quite and reflective, and once in a while he can be grumpy and distant. I have learned through time and communication, that even when he is grumpy & distant, it is no reflection as to how he feels about me. I know that he loves me, no matter what mood he is in.

I have also learned that his moods change, and they pass. I know that if he is grumpy, it will pass at some point. I ask him if he's okay, and he'll even tell me he's grumpy or feeling down. Communication is they key, as well as your understanding- as long as your man is not taking advantage of you in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:01pm
Is he just 'moody', or is he depressed?
Avatar for caramello0213
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:25pm
First off, no freaking way it's your fault. I dated a moody guy for almost 2 years. Towards the end, I realized he was not moody, but depressed - severely depressed and manipulative. I'm not sure what kind of moody spells he goes through or what gets them started, but you should try and take a look at that first. You'll probably start to see a pattern with him. It may stem from jealousy or anger or some other unknown thing to you. Does he hate his job, his co-workers, is he not reaching some goals he's after; is he upset with you...these are things you need to ask him and clarify if you want to try and assist him through his moodiness. It is unfair of him to make you feel as though it is your fault. This is his stuff to deal with, with your support. If he won't talk with you about it, urge him to talk to someone about it or suggest a book he could read. If he's refusing all these tactics, your relationship isn't going to get any better. You should be frank with him and let him know he's effecting the relationship more than he realizes and that you are becoming unhappy and are feeling lonely or whatever feelings you are having. It's very frustrating I know, but chances are he's depressed. No one is moody time after time after time for no reason. Just something to thing about...AND you say he chooses to be grumpy - EXACTLY! - he's choosing. He's making things difficult on purpose. Think about it. Your father is having surgery and you're on a message board concerned about your bf's moodiness. That's not right - you're letting him get away with manipulating you so that your attention is on him, not your father...Anyway, my two cents...

Take care,

C Mello.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:30pm
"Moody" people are very self-involved. They are very preoccupied with their own issues. So it annoys them when YOU need extra support. That's a responsibility they don't feel they have the time or energy to devote, and they don't want it. It's kind of like a fair weather friend. He/she is your best friend while you are strong and doing well. But when you are in trouble and you need them, it becomes too unpleasant and difficult to be your friend.

This might be your first major life crisis. Your father is having heart surgery, and that is very serious. You are probably very anxious about it. Your "moody" boyfriend might be interpreting this event as a threat, because it will probably demand something EXTRA from him. So he chooses this time to get "grumpy." This will help ensure that you leave him alone so he can continue being preoccupied with himself. But this also makes him feel guilty, so he gets even grumpier.

I am just throwing out some possibilities here, of course. Your boyfriend may be nothing like this. But I have known many moody people.. men and women... and they all had the same self-centeredness at the core of their moodiness.

How do you deal with them? Well, you can choose NOT to, of course. I have terminated relationships with people because their moods were simply too all-consuming and unfair to me. But if his moodiness isn't to that extreme, you will probably want to continue your relationship with him. One tactic is simply to ignore the grumpiness. If you need something from him, ask him anyway.

Or you can do what you probably do most often: leave him alone. But that means that you will shoulder this crisis pretty much on your own, or with minimal support from your boyfriend. Is that OK with you?



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:28am

You know M_A, men are no more moody than women... (ok folks, I can hear it now...) The truth is, Erin said it very well... moods are reactions to extraneous situations or even to subconcious thoughts.


Sure we get moody, doesn't everyone at times? No one can be "up" all the time. Everyone moves up and down in their thoughts and moods. Sure we get grumpy and sometimes we just aren't happy with things. We use that time to analyze what has caused us to feel as we do and devise a plan to fix it (we guys are fixers by trade!). And, by golly, just let us fix it! Whoops... that didn't work... (sometimes things just don't!) so we have to back up, retink it and try again. And, ya know what? Our SO thinks we are being moody! Nope, we are hard at work fixin' things!


ok, I made light of it for a moment but the fact is, we all should support our partner when they are "down" as they should support us when we are. That's important. Knowing that we all get that way at times is all important too.


As for thinking a person's mood is all your fault... every person is responsible for their own behavior. You are not responsible for your SO's behavior, mood or happiness. Sure, you can contribute to it, you can influence it, you can enhance it - but, your partner has ownership of their mood and behavior.


Now, we go into our caves at times (that's where our workshop is) (and, I'll let you in on a guy secret - we have instruction manuals there too!) and we will come back out to see you (we can't stand the thought of being in there all alone forever you know!).


So, as long as you know what we are doing in there just rest assured that we will come back out and then we are better able to tend to women when they get moody (that's a different instruction manual).


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:06pm
You sure we aren't dating the same guy? LOL!

Mine too is moody. And he admits it. It is hard to deal with sometimes.

I take it way too personally most of the time. Cause when he is grumpy he

doesn't want to talk or see me much. So that kind of hurts. When I'm down,

I long to see and talk to him. It makes me feel better to see him, so it is

hard for me to understand why he acts the way he does sometimes.

And if I get grumpy at the same time and end up coming down on his grumpiness,

it all usually hits the fan.

So the best thing I can do when he gets like that is give him his space.

Let him do the calling etc. But act happy to hear from him even if I'm hurt or

mad that he hasn't called or wanted to see me in a while etc. This usually

brings him around alot quicker. Just trying to be supportive and trying to keep

my own insecurties and needs out of it until he comes around again. Then when

I'm moody he is usually quicker to try to lift my spirits.

But it doesn't seem fair that you are going through what you are,

and he is being moody. Sounds like you need him right now. Maybe he

doesn't realize it. Sometimes I will be picking up negative vibes from him,

and come down on him, and then realize later that he was going through something troubling. Then i feel bad for being selfish. so maybe he just isn't

tuning into your needs right now. Be sure to let him know you are worried

about your Dad and that you are feeling a little moody yourself.

Best of Luck to you!!!