more confusion on my part

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
more confusion on my part
18
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:04pm
Things are going well, sort of, for my relationship between my bf and I. About a month ago, I had posted about he was afraid I was going to leave him. In the past month I have gotten more attached to him and now there are times, I worry he is going to leave me.

I am confused about where this is going. I do care deeply for him, and a major part of me has somewhat fallen in love with him. He says he is in love with me. He was telling me that about three weeks into the relationship. He was the first to tell me, not I to him.

We do spend a lot of time together. We see each other pretty much every weekend and I usually drive down one other time during the week (he does not drive at all). He lives about 2 hours from me. When he does come up to see me, he takes the train and I pick him up at the train station 45 minutes from me. He is so nice to me, affectionate, kind, passionate, etc. He pays for most of the things we do, like meals and going out to see movies, etc. He buys me flowers and small gifts. He is openly affectionate to me in public. He does introduce me to his friends as his gf. Things appear to be going great. We spend a lot of time hanging out, either at his parents or up at my place.

Now, I am scared since I kind of let him know more about my feelings, yesterday. He was always worried that I was going to leave him, and he has apologized to me a lot for his lack of ambition, his living at home, etc. Lately, I have been getting tired of driving back and forth to see him. On the weekend, he takes the train to see me and I drive him home on Sundays. He has offered to take the train back home but I want to be able to spend as much time as I can from the weekend, so I offer to drive him back. I also drive down to see him on one weekday and I usually stay overnight. Then I get up at 5 AM and drive the two hours back up to my area so I can be at work by 7 AM. This routine is starting to kill me and I have caught myself falling asleep at the wheel when I drive. I worry that one day I will end up in a car accident. So, yesterday, I told him that I wanted to move down by his area to be closer to him so I can see him and not have to drive home so far. It will be a stretch for me to live down by him since I work two hours away, and I have school (although this year, I only really have one class a weeknight). Yes, I want to change part of my life and move down there so I can help to make this work out. I thought he would be happy about this, but he seemed so nonchalant about it, that I questioned him about it. He tells me he loves me and that he is starting to get attached to me, but he is also telling me I am moving things a bit fast. He tells me that he is afraid that if I move down there and things get well, I may just vanish and dump him, since he has dated a few women in the past who he has gotten attached to and within a month or two of the relationship starting, has dumped him. I know he has been hurt a lot in the past, esp by his ex of seven years. He talks about her a lot. I still think he loves her a bit. She dumped him and he spent three years grieving for her.

I dont know what to do. I didnt expect him to react that way to me. From the way he has been acting and treating me this whole time, I would have thought he would be happy for me to move closer to him so I dont have to drive so far to see him. He really wants to know if I am doing it for the right reason. He thinks I want to move down to be closer to him because I am afraid he will leave. He tells me he loves me a lot and that he isnt going to leave me. He says he is afraid that I will leave him. He tells me he wants me to get to know him better and he get to know me better. I dont know and I dont understand. He tells me how much he loves me and all that, and he does show it through his kindness and attention and treating me out to things, but then why is he saying what he is saying???? I dont want to lose him, I really dont. I am starting to fall in love with him. In the beginning when he first told me he loved me, I didnt love him but I am starting to, but his actions confuse me. He did tell me that if I want to and if I were doing it for the right reason, he would not mind me moving closer to him. He is so wishy-washy and I dont know how to tell what the right thing to do. I think he is afraid that I am sacrificing so much to be with him, since most of the women who he has been with have always expected HIM to sacrifice HIS life to be with them. I am very different and even he tells me this.

I really dont know what to do. I am afraid that what I told him, esp now that he knows how strongly I feel for him, might doom this relationship. He says he wont leave me and that he loves me so much, but I am starting to doubt everything and I am starting to question every move and action of his. One thing I have found is that he is very complacent about things. I usually ask him, so you want to get together sometime during the week, and he is always like "yeah sure". I dont know why he has no enthusiasm about arranging days to get together, but when we are together, he is so loving to me (we hold hands in public, he holds me close to him, kisses me, etc.). One time I brought up his lack of enthusiasm and he told me that he is afraid of me hurting him. He tells me he tries not to get so enthusiastic about things because whenever he does, something always comes along to destroy his enthusiasm.

I think he has been hurt a lot in the past. I am not out to hurt him and I wish he could see that. I think he sees it and he does enjoy being around me, but his reaction to me moving closer to him, has now frightened me and is making me doubt his sincerity. He wants me to call him tonight to chat and I will, but I will tell him that I am not moving down to be closer to him. I guess I have to continue driving during the week if I want to see him. I dont know what else I could do, except ask him to take the subway to the suburb of his city and then I drive an hour to see him. I am at my wits end as to how I should perceive him or where this relationship is going.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 8:32pm
How come being afraid of loosing you has anything to do with you moving to his area? Seems kind of upside down to me...From all he's saying to you - how much he loves you, that he's afraid you're going to leave him - he should've been happier about these chages. But he's not. You showed your feelings by willing to move closer to him. It means you are expecting something out of your relationships that he's not ready to give you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:02pm
I recall your original post...and you were repeatedly told that you giving and investing, and doing most of the conveniencing of this relationship as going to wear thin, and wear you out, and you'd begin to want to make adjustments for your ease and convenience...and he'd be reluctant.

And that is precisely where you are now. What he does NOT WANT...is responsibility. It's not being responsible to hold your hand, hug you tight, have sex with you, take the subway to see you and pay for things that you two do. That's not taking responsibility for your future.

That's simply paying to enjoy the present.

And here's you...you're taking "responsibility" for the present. You do the driving, you pay your own bills, dysfunctionally you now put so much "into this relationship" - that you're proposing that you live closer to him - further from your job, lengthen your daily commute, and actually spend less time with him! I know you haven't thought it through that far, but that is precisely what you're proposing.

If you're thinking that you being closer to him, is going to make him come and live with you, pay half the bills, take resonsiblity for his life and his future and have a healthy relationship with you -think again.

What people want and value and prioritize - they achieve as individuals. It's what they 'can't live without and will work to get'. That level, that lifestyle, those values and priorities, those goals and those standards - whatever is evident when you meet them - that is WHO THEY ARE AND HOW THEY WILL REMAIN.

It's imperative to decide before you spend too much time, effort, money and sacrifice "is that level and standard and lifestyle acceptable to me, does it match mine"?

if you were looking at him and he was independently wealthy, and he lived in a style considerably above you...and you were saying "is that style acceptable to me"? I'd laugh - the answer would be absolutely yes. However, you likely wouldn't understand the obligations nad requirements that come with it - and that is what you'd have to be reviewing as "is that acceptable to me" - before taking the plunge.

In this case...what you're proposing is to be his mother. And the ONLY way from the sound of it he's going to let you is if he's allowed to move in at no charge, and no obligation, and he never fully moves in or relinquishes his place "at home" in the event somthing doesn't work out like he wants - he can run back and have lost nothing.

You're doing alot of giving, sacrificing, tolerting, and enduring....however nobody has ever committed to a relationship of longevity...worse yet - you've been so busy trying to get the commitment - you've failed to review his character, values, lifestyle, adn goals and see if they match yours? Because if they don't - you'll be carrying him thru life...while he's dragging you down all the while. YOu'll never fulfill your potential and he'll never have to live with the consequences of refusing responsible goal-oriented living.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:02pm
Erin, I see the logic of what you are saying, with the exception that he did live out his parents' house for three years. He lived with his ex for three years before she broke up with him and he moved back home. So, he hasnt lived at home ALL his life.

As for me, I honestly dont know what I am after. My whole intention of living down by him was so I could see him more, not necessarily for long periods of time. I was meaning like he could just stop by after work and say "hi", stay over if he wanted, eat dinner, or go home. The constant driving back and forth is killing me. I get out of work around 3:30 PM -4 PM, stop at home for a bit, and then drive down to see him. By the time I get down there, with traffic and all that, it is almost 7 PM sometimes. I hang with him, go out to eat, etc. and it is already 10 PM. Most times I do stay overnight. His parents dont mind and he likes me to do that and I get up around 5 AM and drive the two hours back up and get to work around 7 AM. That is hard on me. I was hoping to at first keep my old job and then hunt for a new one. I wasnt planning on not working at all either.

Maybe you are right and I am trying to be "mother" to him. I dont know. I just know that I do like him and this situation is eating me up alive. Yes, I am giving up a lot since I also have school up here (although this semester, both my classes are going to be independent study classes)but I do care for him and part of me is afraid he will leave me.

Part of me wants to go and find a therapist to talk to this about since I need a game plan to handle this. I want to find peace in my mind because, although this relationship is making me very happy, I am also very worried about it. I just want to find a happy medium and I dont know how to achieve that. I do sacrifice things for him because he sacrifices things for me. He spends money on me, he spends time with me and he showers me with love and affection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2002
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 11:28pm
I don't think you heard anything Erin said. I think you need to go back and reread your own and hers. The guy doesn't work, he lives at home, and he only lived away from home for 3 years with a woman. He can't drive. He's ambivalent about you moving near him.

Why in world are you still involved with a man who has no prospects for his future right now? Do you not have any sense of self-worth? Clearly you value an education, hard work, and independence. Why are you associating with a man who apparently values none of those things? These are major differences that will cause you nothing but pain and heartache in the long run if the two of you do decide to commit and marry. Believe me. I've been in that situation. I supported my ex-husband for much of our marriage. When we met, I didn't think a whole lot of myself. I thought I was being noble and good in wanting to help him and to be there for him. Pitiful. I should have been thinking of my own needs. I should have imposed the same expectations I had for myself on him. Had I done so, I would have saved myself a lot of grief and disappointment, because he couldn't have lived up to my standards and I would have walked away. You should too.

Ava





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 11:32pm
I would not move anywhere closer unless I had a ring and a wedding date within 6 months and unless he had moved out of his parents' house and could afford to pay half the expenses and be able to put money away in savings. Period. He loves you but doesn't want the adult responsibility that goes with a commitment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:23pm
As for now, after gauging his response and talking to some of my friends, I have decided to not pursue moving down there to live closer to him. Everybody is right, it is an unwise choice, especially since it would place undue burden and hardship on my part. I am also going to try to give him some space and not see him every weekend, although, that is going to be hard on me too. I am scared, very scared, that I may have frightened him off.

I did talk to him today and he seems ok with me. I will get together with him tonight since I need some peace of mind and I am going to tell him that I will give him space. I dont know how to proceed with this. I dont want to scare him off. Yes, I do have a life with school and all that, but he means so much to me. Part of me is hurt by him, especially since he says he loves me, and yet he seems to have been scared by me wanting to move closer to him. I never told him I loved him, I let him say it first, since I have been told that if you tell a guy you "love" them, first, they tend to tuck tail and run.

Yes, he is not everything I want, but I do love him and he is nice and kind and caring to me. I just am so immature when it comes to relationships. I have never had a relationship in my life, really, before, until he showed up. That is why I am pins and needles about things. I wish I had some confidence about this.

I know he wants space, and he thinks I am crowding into him. I regret uttering those words about me moving down to be closer to him. You guys are right, he is not ready, and I dont think I am either. It is foolish of me to think I could give everything up to be with him. That is irrational.

Now then, how would you guys suggest I proceed??? I will give him space and maybe not see him this weekend. Not saying this is going to be easy. But, I will do it. I am so freaked about this, it isnt funny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:32pm
I think you leave the ball in his court, see him once a week for now talk to him once every other day for about 20 minutes, not more and keep emails to a minimum - get some perspective here because you seem to be unable to monitor how you react to your feelings of neediness and clinginess. He said he loved you, he didn't say he wanted to commit to you -those are two different things. He really cannot commit to anyone right now as far as permanency - he is financially dependent, dependent on his parents, he has no true career goals that he is working on - he is unstable and he is smart not to commit. My guess is you are in love more with the idea of him and the idea of having a boyfriend than with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 6:28pm
HEre's another way to explain it.

This guy is doing no "work or investing" to be with you. You do the driving, your work schedule and advancement gets negative impact, you don't spend as much time getting your education or pursuing your other life goals. You do all the 'investment' in having him live up to what you consider "his potential".

Now...this guy isn't going anywhere, he's not going to leave this relationship. Very few women would be attracted to someone with no education, no ambition, no independence, and no prospects with no desire to rectify that situation. Most mature, intelligent, successful, secure women are not looking to "rescue" someone from the ineptitude, and inadequacy, and inferiority that is the method by which they conduct their lives and get the results they get.

He knows that....his parents know that. That is why they're so delighted to have you stay over, welcome you into the "family" with open arms. YOu're literally "craving" acceptance - and they're all accepting you as one of them. Sure they want you in the family - the want the responsibility of him removed from them.

And if you take him in, pay his bills, do his laundry, deal with his lack of motivation, eduction, ambition, and professional status....they'll have what they're looking for. They'll love you to death and laud you to the skies for how "great" you are and waht all you're 'accomplishing" in terms of him being a "work in progress". They don't want the "responsibility and embarrassment back" - of having a 30-something year old man who's nothing but a boy emotionally living at home, relying on them, having no independence and not even wanting it.

So this guy isn't going to end the "relationship" - how it is RIGHT NOW AS IT STANDS...is precisely what he wants and needs, is comfortable with, and likely can't fathom how he lucked his way into.

He lives at home, without financial requirement, withou social obligation, without emotional requirement on him by his parents. HE's just got to breathe and "do his thing" - whatever that may be - and he's got somewhre to stay. Most people would look at this situation and go "yuck, poor man, I wouldn't want to live like that" - what they fail to realize is that because they wouldn't want to live at the behest and demands of someone else - they'd get up off thier a$$, n their feet, outta the shade, in the heat of "responsible, sensible living". What he doesn't wnat is responsible living with all it requires - and he has no problem "living in jail" of his parents rules and requirements because it's a minimum security environment. They want him OUT and in order for him to find someone to take him in - they've got to let him have all the freedom an no options he will utilize without any responsibility on his part to them - to make it happen!

So, he doesn't want you to move closer..if you did what he wants is for this "no obligation, no commitment" relationship to stay just as it is. With you expecting nothing of him in terms of visiting, or providing, or changing his "style".....and he knows the closer you get, the more critical of his "style" you're going to be...what he learnd in that last 3 year relationship was no matter how sweet he was, or good in bed, or caring and kind and considerate - if he didn't make contributions, if he didn't take responsibility for his actions and his future - she was less than thrilled with him and let him know it!

She likely got him out of the very same environment you're now viewing him in...doing precisely what you're doing. Looking at wha tyou consider his potential if the situation were just right - and sure he'd live up to it without hesitation if she'd "provide the situation". He didn't - she responded negatively to the negative impact on her future by the relationship with him....and it ended.

So tehre you have it...he doesn't want commitment or responsibility. If you want to move closer and you want to have more hassle and commute and less friends....what you'll have is him still doing whatever he wnats, whenever he wants - living at home because there is no responsibility for him to fulfill there, and being around you just when it is easy and convenient for him. Taht's precisely what is happening now.

If you were to continue to drive, to expend, to sacrifice, to endure - to make this commute, postpone your future.....here's likely what would result.

A) His parents would pressure him to get out, knwoing he has somewhere to go, someone waiting to welcome him with open arms (you). HE wouldnt' WANT to go - he doesn't want the responsibilities you're going to thrust on him as a "partner" vs. "a child"...but he'd go if his parents insisted long and hard enough. He wouldn't want to offend and overstay with them - he's going back at some point and he knows it! So,he'd get with you - and you'd have little providership except for his care and attention, and you'd have more bills and obligations than ever before. You'd resent him for tis, you'd let it be known now that he "can't leave" because he's not independent and "needs someone to provide for him" - and he'd go back home to mom and dad.

B) His parents will die at some point, you'll have been "waiting" for this opportunity to have him to yourself....and he'll inherit thier money, house, furnishings, assets, etc. At which point he'll finally "be independent" without anybody's rules and restrictions and without obligation or requirement to anybody - and he'll likely break up with you!

So, he's not going to end the relationship - quit worrying about that. It's just that he's not going to commit to responsibility - so quit thinking he is!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 8:05pm
Hello renaissancewoman, welcome back!

 
Avatar for jentwine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 8:10pm
Amen, Erin!

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