more of a psychological question.
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| Sat, 08-14-2004 - 8:59pm |
my bf and i have been together ~14 months, we're currently 19. from the start of the relationship, he pressured me 24/7 to have sex with him and it was so irritable (him being a virgin then and me having done it couldve subconsciously motivated him). he wasn't an ass, he was caring at other times and he said he didnt mean to but he gets like that when "he really wants it". anyway, when someone bugs you every single day for ~1.5 months, it does get to you. i dont know why i would stay with a guy like that but i guess i saw he had good intentions and i was too attached to see sufficient negativity in that as a reason to leave the relationship. so, about 1.5 months in, at night we were lying on a hill near a park and he wouldnt stop pressuring me. i kept saying no because i really really didnt feel like i was ready to being that it was still really early in the relationship and wanted to wait longer until it actually felt right. but it does really get to you, so finally i said "damnit! ok! fine!" but i obviously didn't mean it. it was a "you win, i give up, i can't take this anymore" type of yes and i really didn't think he would actually do it... because of the way i answered it. but surprisingly, him being the piece of crap he was, did it anyway. but for uhh ~7 months after that, he bashed me a lot for my past (me having done it before with someone he doesn't approve of) and do you have any idea how much it hurts when you're having sex with someone who practically forced you to do it ALL THE WHILE during the relationship giving you constant shi t for your past? perhaps such has caused me to declare myself psychologically insane now. anyway that all ended, but since we did it then, we continued sex till now, even though during most of the time i mentally opposed the idea. so then you ask why i would do it for so long if i didn't want to...
the problem remains the same now. i physically want sex with him, but it mentally bothers me more than anything. but i think it's because of what happened before, or else i would mentally want it now. i hate how we started doing it more than anything and i wish he didnt have to practially force me into it. whenever i have sex with him now, i feel bad... every single time. i would feel bad in the process and feel even worse afterwards... the thought of it disgusts me (not sex itself, but sex with him), but i would start and continue it because i physically want it. so basically, i physically want to, and i do feel i would've been ready now if he hadn't forced me into it at the beginning, but i dislike having sex with him and feel really bad about doing it. i also have a sub-feeling as if i shouldnt be "giving" him sex... it's so hard to explain. he is the most caring guy ever now, but the way we started it is seeming to take its tole on me throughout the relationship, and most prominently, now. ive just left these feelings within me thinking it's nothing and it's temporary but now it's really beginning to have an impact. i even charged him a few times for the sex.. im not prostituting for my boyfriend=/. i mean 2-3 times, he'd want it and i really didn't, but i knew i would do it with him anyway due to partial physical desire, but i would try to withhold myself back... but i would think 'if i want it and he wants it why not right?' however i know i would feel extremely bad about it, and i also don't want to "give" him so much sex-wise just because of how it started... so i said "fine, give me twenty bucks" just to make me feel partially better that im not just giving it to him (no, i dont really care for the 20 bucks hehe). i know i sound mentally insane... and if so, PLEASE TELL ME so i can run off to the mental institution so i dont have to sit here crying every night becuz i have no idea what's going on. i feel bad about the thought of having sex with him, even though i really want it physically. and it's nothing to do with him cause he's completely wonderful to me and if i should be having it with anyone in the world it should be him. but i keep feeling like "he doesn't deserve it" for what he caused at the beginning. more than anything i would want it mutual, i wuoldve wanted it done when it felt right... it's not even WHEN we did it, it's HOW we did it. (perhaps if he hadn't pressured me so much). but it's not exactly the "he doesn't deserve it" thing because, speaking in regards to "deserving it" (even though sex/love in a relationship shouldn't be viewed that way... i understand that... so no need to comment on that to me), he does deserve it and he really treats me well. i understand all that, it was just a mistake he made in the past and i understand that too, but i can't help this mental lack of desire... not just lack, i almost hate it, i dont WANT IT at all.. i completely despise it almost. i feel so bad about it i just hate it so much when we do it and i cant even enjoy the thought that im doing it with him in the process of it... i can merely see it as something physical in order for me to enjoy it. but it's not just sex, it's sex with him (well, i wouldnt know, i mean, i dont have sex with anyone else) but when i carry the physical desire, i can imagine sex with someone else but imagining it with him makes me feel really bad about it... like it's wrong or something. once again, i can merely see it as something physical in order for me to enjoy it.
i was talking to someone on the internet the other day about this and he said "you have a symdrome; i think it's called dissociation, when you have nymphomaniacal tendencies yet you dislike it at the same time".(don't have friends aside from my bf, nor would i feel comfortable talking to a familiar face about something so uhh "weird" and personal... something i cant seem to understand!), cant talk to bf about it cause he wouldnt understand... he'd think im nagging him for what he did in the past, but im just worried about what's going on within me NOW, and he'd just be like "okay, well, who cares, everything's good NOW, i made a mistake, it's the past" but damnit.. it's not the past. it's the present.
dissociative disorder (i believe) is having split personalities so the dissociation he refers to is (i believe) having split personalities in regard to sex--mental behaviour opposes my physical desires.
but this "symdrome" he was speaking of is not the split personality symdrome you may be thinking of. so then i looked up this, and it generally refers to victims who have been sexually abused/raped as a young child, and grow up to develop dissociation, which "can be considered a stronger form of repression"... but "repression does not use up as much brain energy or as much brain-cell circuitry" while "when dissociation is occurring, the brain is really buzzing." ANYWAY, this dissociation may include not being able to lead a good sex life, feeling bad for sex, and having certain inscriptions to the topic of sex and to sex itself (i.e. a woman who was raped as a child now has to have her hands above her head when doing sex, as if her hands were being tied up), you "space out" which is to "detach emotionally from what's going on", or something, and "Difficulty with sex and sexuality, including sexual compulsion". "Many survivors feel guilty and shameful about sex, wondering if they're even 'allowed' to have enjoyable sex lives." "You can't have a good sex life when you're numb to your own body and emotions..." "The goal for survivors is to reach a place in their lives where they can consent to intimacy and sex, where they feel safe, and where they can decide how to enjoy their sexuality."
BUT, this refers to people being raped, child abuse, etc. thus it does NOT apply to me, it is something more severe i believe. i have not been sexually abused as a child by some strange predator, and i think the issue here lies not just in sex, but also the person im having sex with (but like i said, i wouldnt know exactly unless i go off and cheat on him,,.. which uh isnt in my agenda). i just wanted to point out the CONCEPT of dissociation as there are a couple similarities in psychological activity.

OK...first of all, ,please dont let people diagnose you over the Internet....
Secondly, with what you have shared, here are my observations:
When you agreed to have sex with him, it was not a proactive choice as much as it was a result of you being tired.
I apologize if I gave the insinuation of wanting to be "diagnosed over the internet"... he merely poitned out something that I found interesting because of the similarity, which I felt was a relevant thought I wanted to share. Advice is all I intended to receive.
"As you move forward, choose to be with men who do not put that pressure on you...the right man WILL wait."
Well, of course. We were relatively young, and supposedly young people are more likely/influenced to be exposed to such pressure. The pressuring was a mistake on his part, which we both understand was merely a mistake. If he could go back into time, he would most likely wait. My agreement to the sex was not a proactive choice, which I realize NOW... but it really is in the past.
I have to wonder how you guys are going to maintain a healthy relationship. I also question your own feelings of self worth - even if you can come up with a logical validation for making him pay you for sex - psychologically, unconsciously, you're belittling yourself and your worth and honestly, this will have far longer emotional repercussions for you than the initial coercing to have sex the first time.
Your bf puts you down for your past, you say it disgusts you to have sex with him - WHY do you continue to be with him?
Honestly, you need to get yourself out of the relationship and into counselling. Learn again to value yourself and to realise you're worth more than $20 worth of unemotional sex for the sake of sex.
You will love and respect the guy who's worthy of you and sex will be a physical expression of your emotional connection - for both of you.
Please get counselling.