More update: took initiaitve-Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
More update: took initiaitve-Help
24
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:30pm

Hi all,
I had written before about this party, where we exchanged glances all evening. I came to know later he has a GF! :-( But I couldn't get him out of my mind. Well, all I can imagine now is being casual and friendly. But the attraction is undeniable.

Just on a lark, I looked up the local phone directory, and found a number n address!
After much deliberation......and also, on an impulse, this morning, I dialled the number.
I was soooooooo nervous!

I spoke to him! But it was soo embarrassing....coz when I gave him some clues about me...and said we had seen each other that night at the party, he said he couldn't remember!! I wanted to be swallowed by the ground at that time! :-)) I mentioned "pictures" and the next thing he says is why don't I send him a picture from that night, and he gave me his e-mail address! I immediately sent him my pic, and he said "Yes, now I remember". well, thank god! :-)) I wonder if he really did not remember when he said he did not.

There were some very awkward silences....on the phone. He would ask "what else" now and then, and I would laugh softly n nervously. I just felt shy. We exchanged some background information about each other. He was aking me questions about me, which I am glad he did. Then someone called his name in the background (he lives with his brother) and I said after a while "do you need to go?" and he said "kinda". I said "feel free to call me anytime u wish. u have my number." i am glad in a way that he did not just say it right out that he needs to go. (or maybe i am reading too much).

After that phone call, I wrote him a super short email saying it was nice talking to him.

His response within minutes: an email, an automated messenger invite from him, for online talks. (no personal message)

What does this mean...?
Is this a sureshot sign of interest?
Is he being just polite, or does this look like more?
What do you think he thought when I called....
Did he think I was crazy...? or over-eager? (guys, do you think that i showed too much eagerness?)
(i did try my best to sound very casual....but I wonder if I gave off another vibe unknowingly).

Any input would help.....

I am scared. He has a GF :-(

How should I proceed henceforth.
Withdraw a little?
Not talk often?

Ofcourse, it would all also depend on whether he does like me to begin with, even if it is as a "friend".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:05pm

He has a girlfriend, do you want this guy to cheat on her with you?

He was intrigued that a stange lady was calling him, but you better confirm, perhaps via IM, whether he has a girlfriend or not.

The problem with your strategy was that yes, you took the initiative to make the first call. But if you take the initiative to call you can't revert back to shrinking violet girl mode and expect him to ask you out on a date. What you should have said was whether he wanted to grab a cup of coffee on Tuesday.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:43pm

He has a girlfriend! End of story.

Do you really want to be that type of person? I don't understand why someone would do this...

Leave the guy alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:46am

We talked on IM.
Pleasant chat. Ok....it has been confirmed he has a GF, and i felt terrible about it. Everytime he said "my gf" my heart sank.

observations:
he asked for my pictures. when asked "why", he said "just like that!"

when i said i'd be meeting his GF through the association sometime, his answer was: "the association? why not thru me?" I was surprised he said that! i then asked: you mean, you would like to meet with me sometime? he said "sure would". then we went on to make plans. He said "lunch tomorrow?" i said sure.

so here we are. we have lunch tomorrow.

i am still zapped. how did things go so fast.

he also said "the restaurant is on my way. i can pick you up."

is this normal? i was taking it for granted that we will meet at the restaurant separately.

i know, he has a GF and i gotta back off. and i am already backed off.

but....whatever interest he showed me....was that normal?

after our online chat, when i was saying bye and goodnight to him, he gave me a surprise call on my home number and we chatted for a good while.

what he is doing, is it OK and normal?

he did mention his GF a lot of times. and he also said they are planning to be married this year. he seemed very honest and upfront. and nothing seemed shady to me.

but...i am just a bit perplexed at his "interest" in me and in meeting me, picking me up, giving me his cell number etc.

i know i should be flattered, becoz i like this guy! but.....the very fact that he has a GF and he is being friendly....makes me wonder.

what do u all think of his behavior....

is he looking for a casual platonic pal, or expecting something else?
there is NO way in hell, i am going to give in if he wants to lay his hands on me. no way. i am looking for commitment, not entertainment. i hope he has decent intentions.

but it is going to be TOUGH getting to be friends with him AND consistently seeing him and his GF "together". it would make me quite sick. i do like this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:12am

Very rarely on this board does someone make me laugh out loud, but you did (in a positive way).

Kudos to you in taking the initiative to get exactly what you want. I am so sick of women trying to send secret signals through ESP to get some guy's attention. You really took the bull by the horn here.

However, I am still laughing as I type this. This guy is planning a wedding with his girlfriend but he hasn't quite quit shopping for women.

Everyone is going to say the opposite, but you go to lunch with this guy. Have a pleasant meal. Bring cab fare home though, because I think Mr. Crush is going to try to have you as a side dish. You might like him a lot now, but you may see his true colors during lunch.

Go for it, girl.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:36am

No, it's not "normal and ok"...unless you consider being a cheating jerk "normal and ok"!!! I'm sure his GF would be just *delighted* with his behavior.

Yes, he's being upfront...so you can't say he never told you it was never going to go anywhere if you're enough of an idiot to be his piece on the side.

The decent thing to do would be to cancel lunch and not speak to him again. Even if his intentions *were* good (which they are not), you don't really want to just be platonic friends with him so what's the point?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:53am

How can you be perplexed by his interest in you? As a guy, he's thinking... wow this girl is pursuing me, I don't have to do anything and here she is. You're making it easy for him. You're also sending out mixed signals.


HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. How would you feel if you had a boyfriend and he decided to meet with some unknown, new girl? Probably pissed.


Out of kindness for her, I would not go to lunch with him. You're telling this guy through your actions that the fact that he has a girlfriend does not matter, that you're going to pursue him regardless. Not a good signal to send.


You're going to do what you want, but I feel complelled to say please don't. It's just not something you'd want done to you.


Kerry


PS: I would not ride in his car. You do not know him and it makes you very vulnerable being locked in a car with a man that can overpower you. Please beware.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:50pm

You sound like you're planning to go through with this "lunch date" tomorrow, so we're all probably wasting our breaths trying to talk you out of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:19pm

<< i am looking for commitment, not entertainment. i hope he has decent intentions.

but it is going to be TOUGH getting to be friends with him AND consistently seeing him and his GF "together". it would make me quite sick. i do like this guy. >>

I agree with Chamey. No offense, but I'm just chuckling at this. Why are so many women INTENT on putting themselves in situations that are nothing but bad news.

You say you want "committment, not entertainment" ... you hope he had "decent intentions" ... forget his intentions, what are YOURS? If it would make you sick to see him and his GF together, why would you even want to pursue a "friendship" with him. I'm sorry, but you're being ridiculous. He has a GF, you have a "crush" and you're setting yourself up. That just makes ZERO sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 6:21pm

(sorry about the length)

Hi everyone...

I got back a while ago from our lunch.
Read all your messages only now. Sorry :-( I went, but I just did it.

We had both ended up wearing white. Coincidence.

Well, I am glad to say it went really well but I returned with a heavy heart because I truly did have a good time with him. He was utterly respectful, polite, and pleasant company. He wouldn't even go for a second serving (we went to a buffet) until I was done with mine. That was touching. We talked about many different things. He talked, but he was also quiet and silent at times. We did not discuss anything personal. It was all on a casual, intellectual level. Never once did he make me uncomfortable in any way.

He mentioned again that he was glad I "reached out to him".

He said he mentioned me to his GF. (But I am not sure whether he talked about the lunch with her? Or whether he just said he got a chance to get acquainted with me)

I am still confused about his real intentions. (if he has any). Ofcourse, there is NO doubt he seemed an utterly decent person and treated me with great respect.

Towards the end, to be frank, I did not feel like parting ways. I asked what his plans were and he said he was free all day. He did not say anything else. Neither did I. We did part ways. (now, in a way, I am glad I did not get tempted, and kept my dignity and sanity, and went home) But before I got off his vehicle, HE asked "we'll meet soon?" and I said sure. He then extended his hand for a handshake. (What does that mean?????) We shook hands (and maybe it's my imagination, but it felt like we delayed it for just a second longer) as we made eye-contact, and it was a surreal moment. I just wanted to stay right there, just like that. I just did not feel like leaving. We said bye. That's it.

Within a half hour, I get his call....and he said "Just called to say Hi". He was running an errand and was on the road. He said "i am passing by your place" (was that supposed to be a HINT for me? to get invited? I said "Ok!" and did not offer anything. We went on to chat about many different things. Nothing personal.

Oh, I wanted to mention that...during lunch, when we talked about "other people in the association gossiping about us and perhaps asking questions about us" he said that, "it's important my GF knows about this (as in, our friendship) and that is it. I don't have to tell anything to anybody".

This told me this guy is certainyl thinking about his GF and does have his ethics in place?

I know I am being an idiot by involving myself with him when I feel so attracted to him and feel that there certainly could be MORE IF and only IF, we allow it.

It's true I called him DESPITE knowing he has a GF. why did I do that? But i did it.

But he seems like a good person, and to have him as a friend would be very nice. And something tells me, he is decent and upfront enough to surely invite me out with them, when his GF comes back in town. I'll be thoroughly uncomfortable and hurting inside, but Do I want to lose this friendship? I think, it's all upto me. He has shown it that he does like me.(but still, wish I truly knew his REAL thoughts and intentions) It's upto me now...

The only thing missing in all our conversations was a question from him asking me about my feelings and expressing his doubts, thoughts, feelings. I guess, I couldn't really have expected that from a guy. But maybe, keeping silent is the best policy in this scenario, becoz it really is a fact that he is taken. and i should move on.......

his "interest" in me could be just friendship. and if it is MORE than friendship, i don't want to get into a mess....with his GF still around.

not until and unless, he has made a decision to part with his GF. (which, i feel, is NOT going to happen)....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 7:22pm

The problem is that you don't want him as just a friend. You need to level with yourself and be honest. You want this guy, it's apparent from your posts. I think you need to let him go.


There's nothing else I can say.


Just put yourself in his gf's position and imagine what she may feel. Do what you think is right.


Good luck.


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