Moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Moving in
16
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:00am
I've bee dating this guy for about 5 months now, and I spend every weekend at his place...go over Friday night come home Monday morning. My lease is ending in October, and I can't help thinking that I want to move in with him (I will be moving out of this apartment regardless of whether I move in with him). I feel like this is somthing that could work, but am a little nervous that it would be too soon. I was just wondering what the normal timeline is for couples, when it comes to when they usually move-in together.

As a side note, I have never lived with a boyfriend before...he has lived with only one girlfriend to date (he is a bit older than me).

Any advice? Thanks

~Dizzy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:22am
Hmmm well I don't normally like to put timelines on things - I think these things are very much dependent upon where the couple are with each other (some couples connect faster than others) rather than what 'society' thinks should be the right thing to do.

Having said that, reading your post I just started thinking 'wait'.

I have always lived with my bfs from day one (1st I moved interstate to be with, 2nd time I moved out from the first one to be with the second one (young and stupid), the 3rd one started out as a housemate).

My new bf and I both signed 12 months leases on our current places within a couple of months of each other - right around when we met. So it'll be next year before we can even consider co-habiting. For us though, that's the best thing. He's only ever been in live-in relationships too (ex wife and one other girlfriend), so being in our own places and having our own space to come home to when we need it is important to us right now.

Living with someone is a big adjustment and I think I'm leaning towards cautioning you about doing it - even though it'll be 8 months into the relationship by then. I'm not sure exactly why I'm erring on the side of caution. I had no problems living with any of my exes.

Maybe I'm thinking I would do it differently if I did it all over again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:05am
Yeah, don't do it. I know I have recommended this book before on this board, and I will continue to do so. Go to your library or purchase "Shacking Up: 40 Reasons Why Not to (Wise Advice From Someone Who Has)" by Anne James-Sieff. Then make your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:55am
Housing situations are not a reason to take a relationship to the next level, period.

I'm a slow, cautious type...five months is really premature to move in with someone. Giddy in lust, falling in love, but IN love?? Some people equate living together to practically being married. You need to discuss with HIM what your and his expectations are in the relationship. What did he learn in his last experience?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:40pm
dizzygurl,I know that you are nerveous,b/c I am also.I am getting ready to move in with the love of my life,who is 21 years older than I am.For me this is all that I dream about.I have never lived with a guy either.He'll be the first(besides my ex-husband)What about him?Is he nerveous also?You need to sit down and have a long talk with him about your feelings.My prayers are with you girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:00pm
Well, the thing is that I really think we'd still be wanting to do this, whether or not I needed to find a new place. He is 13 years older than me, and his one live in gf was when he first moved to this city...they moved together, but she had to go back home after about a year to take care of a sick parent, and they ended up breaking up another year after that because of the LDR stress, and that was almost 10 years ago. He lives in a house with two roommates right now, and they have an extra room. We just recently started talking about me maybe taking the extra room, that way we would have our seperate spaces, but I personally don't like the idea of that.

I spend so much time over there as it is, and the only reason I haven't done the pseudo move-in deal is because I happen to have quite a few pets (cats, fish and reptiles), who I'd rather not leave alone for more than a weekend....and he can't stay at my place cause our places are quite a ways apart, and his work is practically next door to his home (my school is half-way in between).

I'm really just worried that it would be too soon, when I don't think about the ammount of time we've been together, all I want is to live with him.....but then I think 'whoa, it's only been 5 months' and my mom doesn't approve (mostly because of the age difference).

I am definately going to check out that book....thanks for al the advice.

~Dizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:26pm
Hello dizzygurl!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:56pm
First of all ask yourself if you're yo moving in with your 5-month dating BF for the right reason...is it out of convenience because your lease expires in October or is it because you see a promising future with this guy or is it for something else? Your post says that because you spend every weekend at his place from F to M. that's why you should move in. Well, that's a convenient reason to share a place with your BF. However, what if it doesn't work out after the first month or even week you been living together? Why not get to know this guy with your own place and once you get to know him (5 months is just the honeymoon) and have talked about a "future together with an engagement ring and a date to marry) go ahead and live with him. If you want to save some dollars then go a head but then you won't be seeing the big picture. Moving in with the person you love/believe you love means that you BOTH have something to share in the future and not only sex; it includes resposabilities to each oher, the relationship, the home you live in, expenses, dreams, etc. Do you really want to get into a situation with this guy so soon to see "if it works?" People who live with their Bf too soon OR before getting to know them OR to just try, almost every time end up getting a place of their own or staying out of "I'm stuck" situation. Why not sign your own lease, have a place for you and not jump into the river too soon?
Avatar for justissb21
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:05pm
Dizzygurl,

I can't help but wonder what it might be like for you to actually NOT spend the weekend at his place, and why he can't spend the weekend with you. Or why you couldn't find another place or retain your lease and have HIM over. I mean, I don't know how old you are and I don't know if you would have to have a roommate, but you sound like your mature enough to live on your own. If he really feels the same for you, time will make it work.

To put it bluntly, if he is interested in having his own space by having you move into another room, maybe he isn't on the same page as you and isn't ready to be totally committed to you yet. And you should be ok with that, or learn to be ok with that. Its sometimes hard to put blinders on when all we can see are the lovey dovey things of life. He's been on his own for 10 years, he has 2 roommates, he's asked you to move into the other room possibly. I think he's enjoying his bachelorhood and enjoying his weekends with a younger prettier woman. He's older and wiser and you are just getting started.

My advice to you is, think about YOU. Not about how YOU and HE will be together in your fantasy world, but how YOU want to be and how YOU want to live in reality. Do you want to be a roommate? Or do you want your own four walls where you can entertain HIM and only HIM? On the flipside, think about if you were to move in and had decided to move into the spare room and things didn't work out between you two. How heartbroken would you be everytime you saw him or heard him or even worse saw him with someone else and not you? Would you be able to stand the pain of living in the same house and having to deal with your heartbreak everyday? Or wouldn't it be easier to accept it as one of life's lessons on the great quest for true love.

Sorry this is so long, but I've been there. There is nothing like the gut wrenching pain you feel when you have your heart stomped on and all you did was love a man who didn't love you back, and were too full to see it.

BB

Justiss, sleepy head-CL Growing Your Business

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:34am
Okay, I think I was explaining it wrong....I don't wan to move in with him 'just to see if it would work' and it's not because I spend every weekend there. We have spent weekends apart, but prefer them together. He had only mentioned the extra room thing when I was expressing my nervousness, cause honestly I have never really lived with any of the male gender, it was always just my mom and sister ( my dad died of cancer when I was pretty young), and then of course I've lived alone. He just mentioned that the room could kept open if I wanted it. I'm in an apartment right now, and wanted to move into a house so I could get a dog...I don't really like living alone that much, which is why I would get roommates (if I don't move in w/him).

He doesn't come to my place as much, because he is currently w/o a vehicle (his transmission blew just a little while back) and I refuse to let him pay for a cab, or run for the bus (no matter how much he says that he's fine with it) when I can just as easily hop in my car and go to him. He doesn't really need roommates, but when he found his house he couldn't pass it up, happened to have extra rooms, and decided to help a few friends out with super low rent. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, and I know it's way soon, but I have never ever felt this way about anyone, and as it is now, I couldn't imagine my life without him. I have been in some pretty destructive relationships, and although this isn't my first 'real' one...it's the only one that just seemed to 'fit' right from the beginning.

I hope maybe that explains it a little better, I just kept getting the feeling that people were attacking the quality of our relationship and my motives for the, non-definite, move.

Sorry I wrote so much, and that I keep feeling the need to explain myself :D I guess I'm not very good at writing out what I'm thinking in a way that others can undestand it, so it took me a couple tries lol

Anyway, thanks a lot for the input.

~Dizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dizzygurl
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:19am
I'm glad you're recognizing the pseudo move in situation for what it is, THAT would be so convenient for him, to have you there as a roomy, but not his live in girlfriend. Good for you.

About your mom...she's got your best interest at heart, right? But there comes a time where you've got to cut the strings and live your life...if it's a mistake you'll learn and grow from it, but it'll be your life.

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