Moving Past and Moving On

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Moving Past and Moving On
3
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:33am
I need some advice in order to be happy. Three years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We dated from the time I was 19-23. We both grew up in a very small town where our parents knew eachother along with family and friends. The last year of our relationship had many changes. I graduated from college and he took a new job. We ended up moving to a new town and lived about 45 mins to 1 hour away from eachother. I lived in the city and he lived in a small suberb. With my new job I aquired new friends and he did the same. I made 2 very close friends 1 male/1 female. I spent a lot of time with both of my friends and my male friend became very fond of me. I felt a connection with my friend however the friendship never progressed in a physical manor however I felt an emotional connection more and more each day. I grew to love the city and grew a desire to live in the city and maybe even move to a larger city. My boyfriend however loved the small town life and didn't have the same desires as mine. During the last 6 months of our relationship we grew apart. We would talk on the phone each night but we didn't have the love and desire that we had had once before. One afternoon we sat down and talked about our desires and dreams and at that moment our dreams we not the same. I wanted life in the city and he wanted a quiet life in the country. It was the sadest day in my life but we broke up. After the break-up I was very very sad. I didn't know if I mad the right decision. My family and close male friend assured me that I made the right decision. Not wanting to be alone my friend and I grew closer and began to date. He is a nice person and I do care for him however I have never been able to forget my ex or forgive myself for breaking up with him. I know that I still love him and I also know that I have not given my new relationship with my friend a chance to succeed.

I feel very sad now even after 3 years. I know that I still have love in my heart for my ex. I think deep down I still feel that our goals are not aligned but I can't get over wondering if I did the right thing or not. I have stayed in a relationship with my friend but I don't think that relationship will be as happy as it can be until I learn to accept the break up of my ex. I now punish myself for hurting my ex however currently I am also hurting my friend in my new relationship because I haven't fully given him my heart to him because I still punish myself for my decision 3 years ago to break up with my ex. Some days I even resent my current boyfriend for coming into my life during the time that I was still dating my ex.

This is eating me up. I really need some advice so I can sort things out. Any advice you could provide would be appreciated. Thank You

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:41pm

I'm sorry you are suffering with the lingering feelings for your ex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:37pm
Thank you for your response. I can tell that it is hard to explain a complicated relationship in a short paragraph. Let me try to add a little bit to what my first message said.

You are completely right, I made the decision to break it off in my first relationship. I'm not trying to whin about the fact that I did that. I guess where my feelings are twisted is that I feel like I did something wrong because the person I am with now was a friend during my first relationship. I think I would feel better about our relationship if we would have meet after my ex and I broke up. I have no idea if that makes any sense to you.

I think I should probably re-word my feelings for my ex and explain my feelings for my current boyfriend. I care about the feelings of my ex. I hope he is doing well and I do hope that he doesnt hate me. I still feel that my ex is a great man, we had different goals but he is a good man. I guess I just question myself a lot because when I tell people they say "Well if he was so great why didn't your relationship last".

My current boyfriend and I are in love. We have a different type of love. I wouldn't call it puppy love. I think of him as a partner in everything we do rather than having him be that bread winner of the relationship and me be the girlfriend that follows along.

I'm not sure if I can explain that any better. In my other relationship I felt like I was being protected. I was more shy in situations and I looked to him to make discisions and give me advice. However when I graduated from school and got my first job I gained a lot of independence and drive to achieve the goals I wanted.

I think that independence is what pushed me away from my first relationship and pulled me into the next. My current boyfriend is as independent. He drives me to want more out of life. I would say we argue more than I have with relationships in the past but they are not angry fights it is just too hard headed people.

I guess maybe it just comes down to this. I miss feeling protected. I'm not looking to run away from another relationship and I'm not looking to stir up an old relationship. I'm just looking to figure it all out in my mind. It just frustrates me that after 3 years I still have thoughts like this.

I know I need to just get over the break-up and be happy with what I have now. I just still question myself. Thanks for your advice. I'm not sure if you understand anything I have typed in this last message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:29pm

Well, your response to my post presents a totally different scenario from the one you painted in your original post.

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