Moving in together: when is right time?
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Moving in together: when is right time?
| Wed, 11-01-2006 - 10:30am |
How do you decide when to move in together? My boyfriend (32) and I (27) have enjoyed a stable, committed, drama-free relationship for almost two years. We live 35 miles apart; he usually comes down one night during the week, and I spend my weekends at his house. The lease on my apartment will be up in a few months and I need to decide whether I am going to renew for another year. We have a great relationship and share the same goals of wanting to be married and have children, but we haven’t had a lot of conversation about doing that with each other. We’ve never been the type of couple who has kids names picked out or discusses their wedding after a few months of dating. We’ve had general discussions about the future and what each of us wants, but nothing specific. We don’t feel a lot of pressure to make big steps forward quickly, and like how our relationship is now, but with approaching two years, I feel like maybe it is time to make, what I feel, is a natural next step: living together. There are many plusses: it would be a big financial break, especially for me (I rent, he owns; I would likely take over some of his bills to even it out a bit); the logistics would be much easier (no more 70-mile roundtrips for each of us every week, having both cars in one place, not having to deal with him parking in my crowded neighborhood) and, obviously, having more time together. We’re both concerned, however, that we could encounter some negative issues: we’d feel married (and not in a good way), we’d feel pressured to get engaged sooner, what happens if it does not work out, etc. For now, I think we’re both on the fence, with me leaning towards moving in together more than renewing my lease. I love this man and this relationship and I’m not trying to set an agenda or timeframe, but part of me thinks that if at this time next year we’re living apart and going on year #3, then maybe the relationship isn’t moving forward because it can’t and shouldn’t. The clock is ticking for us to decide what to do about my lease. Who knew a simple decision could cause such complex decisions to surface? Any thoughts or advice?

I cannot for the life of me understand the logic of 'if we are not living together after 2-3-4-10 years the r-ship is not moving forward'. Who says? Why? What does 'moving forward' mean? Why does it all have to end in marriage for it to have 'moved forward' or have been worth it? Why even think about marriage at your age? Why take unnecessary risks if what you have at the moment is a happy partnership, especially considering that you are only 27 and 32? My twin sister and her boyfriend have been together for over 9 years, happily so, they don't live together, have no plans to, and marriage is a swear word for both. My partner's very close friends are 40 and 42, had been together for over 13 years before they moved in together and have now been together for a total of 20 very happy years and have no intention whatsoever to marry, ever. I have been with my partner for coming up to 3 extremely happy years and frankly, the idea of moving in with him hasn't even crossed my mind, let alone anything m-word related; and we are 36 and 39.
Why not just enjoy life?
Hi, I wanted to say that I understand perfectly where you are coming from. Especially if you want to have children, taking steps towards living together and planning on eventually marrying makes sense.
My take on your situation is that you need to talk it over and see how he feels. And how do you feel? Are you happy at the idea of being together more, or scared?
Whatever you decide to do, remember that moving in together (and for that matter, marriage) is reversible. If it doesn't work out, you can always separate. And if it does work out, it will be a lot more fun and a lot easier than the long commute to get together.
Good luck!
Elsa
It really isn't all that simple of a decision. There's a lot of potential issues and they really should be talked over before deciding to move in together.
It would be a good idea to discuss what your expectations are exactly for the future. Do either or both of you consider that living together means it's a step towards eventual marriage, or is it something to do simply because it's convenient?
How would the finances be handled? Totally separate or merged? How much should you pay towards the house considering that it's not in your name and that you won't benefit from the equity in it unless or until you actually did get married and/or put your name on the mortgage? Should it be handled more like you're renting space from him?
What are your expectations for how much time together you expect to spend if you were under the same roof? What about expectations for things like maintenance on the house, are you expected to do half of that if it's not officially your house?
I started a thread awhile ago on the Guy Talk board (second section) titled "Living Together" ... give it a read. (it's been bumped up and added to).
As for "when is the right time?" ... let's review:
<< There are many plusses: it would be a big financial break, especially for me (I rent, he owns; I would likely take over some of his bills to even it out a bit)>>
Not the right reason. You could move closer without moving in together.
<< the logistics would be much easier (no more 70-mile roundtrips for each of us every week, having both cars in one place, not having to deal with him parking in my crowded neighborhood)>>
Logistics are not the right reason. For same reasons as above.
<< and, obviously, having more time together. >>
While that's a NICE reason, it's also not the right reason.
As for << We’re both concerned, however, that we could encounter some negative issues: we’d feel married (and not in a good way), we’d feel pressured to get engaged sooner, what happens if it does not work out, etc. >>
True, people often do "feel" married without being married. Secondly, it wouldn't have to make either of you feel "pressured" ... not if you set expectations in advance, which is CRITICAL for any couple moving in together. Only, I'd venture to say that 9 out of 10 don't. And lastly, if it doesn't work out, then ... one or the other moves out, that's not a big deal.
IMO, you've missed the #1 negative issue that most women face when they do the "living together" thing without the committment. And that is the age 'ol "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" (ponder that one) ;-)
IMO, there is one RIGHT reason for moving in together: mutual agreement on long term committment, whether it be getting engaged, married or the decision to live together in unwedded bliss.
Every other reason is just semantics and a stop-gap toward achieving aformentioned committment, if that is indeed your goal.
Bottom line: since he owns and you rent, and your lease is up, why not move closer to where he lives without actually moving in. Not yet at least. That is, IMO, a step forward ... it will improve the quality of your relationship by being closer, without putting the cart before the horse for "cost and logistics" reasons, which are BY FAR NOT the right reasons.
I would advise against living together if you're not engaged with a date set. Living together creates a false sense of security and permanence and does not make you more likely to get married to him.
I lived with a guy once, and I will never do so again. When we broke up and he moved out, it felt like my home was no longer my sanctuary because everywhere I looked were missing pieces. And because when we moved in together, I allowed my guard to come down and saw him as a person who would be in my life forever, come what may, when that turned out not to be true, it took a long time to put the pieces back together. It was over 2 years before I could be in a healthy relationship again.
Which isn't to say that things would turn out that way for you. It's just to point out that there are risks that one doesn't realize, or they minimize them, when they move into together. And if things go wrong, the recovery can be a lot harder than if you lived separately, which helps you remember neither have you have yet committed till death do you part.
My two cents.
Different people have different needs and wants - one size doesn't always fit all. Some people want the added seeming "security" of marriage. In many cases the urge really doesn't percolate until one or the other wants a child.
Sure there are couples happily living together for decades but there will always be those for whom that piece of paper matters deeply