moving towards marriage
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moving towards marriage
| Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:22pm |
I have been dating my current guy for 20 months and we have been serious for quite awhile. Marriage is a topic we've talked about several times, and both of us are comfortable discussing different issues. I love him and love being with him, but there are some things about our relationship that worry me. One year ago I made a mistake and lied to him (no cheating...long story). He said when we first started dating the one thing he asked was that I not lie to him, and I did. I could not be more sorry for what I did, and I'm grateful he's given me a second chance. However, we can't move past it. He has told me that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, and there is no way I can help him to move past it. It just seems like he's not willing to let go. I know it is incredibly hard to forget after trust has been broken, but the issue comes up at least once a week in regular conversation. The other day he made the comment that he was surprised I had "put up with his crap for this long." This issue also comes up when I have personal concerns about what I need/want or don't need/want. I feel like I can't ask him to make a change or sacrifice since he was willing to stay together after I screwed up, yet I work at developing our relationship every day. Is there any hope we can get closer, or am I risking spending the rest of my life feeling like every problem we have stems from my one mistake?

"He has told me that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, and there is no way I can help him to move past it."
--Why don't you believe him when he tells you there's nothing you can do? He's telling you the truth! Stop being in denial.
"It just seems like he's not willing to let go. ...the issue comes up at least once a week in regular conversation."
--It seems that way because he ISN'T willing to get it go. And he throws it in your face every week?
"The other day he made the comment that he was surprised I had "put up with his crap for this long.""
--Uh.... this is a no brainer. He made that comment because he is **genuinely surprised** that you are tolerating him and tolerating the relationship.
Hon... face up to what your situation is here. You've got a BF who is **unwilling to forgive you** for whatever it was you did or said, and he's even told you that he isn't. On top of that, he's insensitive (and even cruel) enough to throw it back in your face on a weekly basis!
You're holding on because you've got nearly 2 years invested with him, and you two have talked about marriage. As I said, all the talk means NOTHING with an actual proposal. Your man is giving you a clear message that as far as he's concerned, the relationship is going nowhere and it won't be going anywhere anytime soon, either.
Hon, he's practically begging you to break up with him. Stop being in denial about him and the relationship. Stop torturing yourself and get out of this, the sooner the better. He's waiting for you to end it anyway. Gather up your self esteem and cut your losses.
I'm confused. What are you waiting for? I thought it was for him to propose, but you say HE --not you -- is the one that wants to get married. I assume, then that he has proposed?
So what's your question? If the question is, "Should I marry him when he's unwilling to forgive me for a past event" I say the answer is NO. If he doesn't have enough maturity -- not to mention love for you -- to forgive you for something that happened a year ago for which you are truly sorry .... HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO BE WHEN THE GOING REALLY GETS ROUGH?
If you are staying in this because you feel sorry for him because of how he was treated by an ex-girlfriend, that is a total and utter cop-out and indicates a lack of maturity on YOUR part.
Stop making excuses, either for your behavior or for his, and start being honest with both yourself and with him.
Assuming all this, now ask yourself: Would I be happier with him ... or without him?
If you can honestly answer with him, then marry him. If you aren't sure, or answer only with some qualification, or hesitate, or don't know, then don't marry him.
I mean, he's told you he can't let this go. So believe him. The counselor won't make any difference if this is how he honestly feels.
So is the 95% "good enough" to marry him? And if it is, why did you post here?