moving towards marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
moving towards marriage
7
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:22pm
I have been dating my current guy for 20 months and we have been serious for quite awhile. Marriage is a topic we've talked about several times, and both of us are comfortable discussing different issues. I love him and love being with him, but there are some things about our relationship that worry me. One year ago I made a mistake and lied to him (no cheating...long story). He said when we first started dating the one thing he asked was that I not lie to him, and I did. I could not be more sorry for what I did, and I'm grateful he's given me a second chance. However, we can't move past it. He has told me that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, and there is no way I can help him to move past it. It just seems like he's not willing to let go. I know it is incredibly hard to forget after trust has been broken, but the issue comes up at least once a week in regular conversation. The other day he made the comment that he was surprised I had "put up with his crap for this long." This issue also comes up when I have personal concerns about what I need/want or don't need/want. I feel like I can't ask him to make a change or sacrifice since he was willing to stay together after I screwed up, yet I work at developing our relationship every day. Is there any hope we can get closer, or am I risking spending the rest of my life feeling like every problem we have stems from my one mistake?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:46pm
Moving toward marriage? Only in your dreams, dear, unless there's stuff you're not telling us. All the TALK about marriage means nothing without an actual PROPOSAL. Not only is your guy not proposing, he's subtly telling you that this relationship is going nowhere. Problem is, you're not ready to accept that it isn't going anywhere and are jumping to conclusions based on TALK about marriage (which means nothing).

"He has told me that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, and there is no way I can help him to move past it."

--Why don't you believe him when he tells you there's nothing you can do? He's telling you the truth! Stop being in denial.

"It just seems like he's not willing to let go. ...the issue comes up at least once a week in regular conversation."

--It seems that way because he ISN'T willing to get it go. And he throws it in your face every week?

"The other day he made the comment that he was surprised I had "put up with his crap for this long.""

--Uh.... this is a no brainer. He made that comment because he is **genuinely surprised** that you are tolerating him and tolerating the relationship.

Hon... face up to what your situation is here. You've got a BF who is **unwilling to forgive you** for whatever it was you did or said, and he's even told you that he isn't. On top of that, he's insensitive (and even cruel) enough to throw it back in your face on a weekly basis!

You're holding on because you've got nearly 2 years invested with him, and you two have talked about marriage. As I said, all the talk means NOTHING with an actual proposal. Your man is giving you a clear message that as far as he's concerned, the relationship is going nowhere and it won't be going anywhere anytime soon, either.

Hon, he's practically begging you to break up with him. Stop being in denial about him and the relationship. Stop torturing yourself and get out of this, the sooner the better. He's waiting for you to end it anyway. Gather up your self esteem and cut your losses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:53pm
The other post was right-unless you have a ring on that finger and the announcements are out-your not moving towards anything. However, I would talk to him and point blank tell him again how sorry you were about lying, but it has been long enough and he needs to forgive and forget permenantly!! He needs to let it go and never bring it up again--if he loves you he will do this--if he doesn't do it--leave--there is no future here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:03pm
The funny thing about all this is HE'S the one that wants to get married. I mean, I do, but I know I'm not ready for it right now. I want to get my career and my life established before I try to develop that life with another person. In the past my boyfriend had dated a girl for over 4 years. She had to move away for job reasons, and cheated on him before and after he proposed (he was 24 at the time, she was 25). They were engaged for a month before she called him and said she didn't want to get married. The same girl is now marrying the guy she cheated on my guy with. I know he's insecure and is trying to protect himself from getting hurt again...otherwise I would have left the relationship a long time ago and saved myself a few headaches. It's a matter of sticking it out because I love him or walking out because I'm tired of waiting. Neither is a great option, but there usually isn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:28pm
"It's a matter of sticking it out because I love him or walking out because I'm tired of waiting."

I'm confused. What are you waiting for? I thought it was for him to propose, but you say HE --not you -- is the one that wants to get married. I assume, then that he has proposed?

So what's your question? If the question is, "Should I marry him when he's unwilling to forgive me for a past event" I say the answer is NO. If he doesn't have enough maturity -- not to mention love for you -- to forgive you for something that happened a year ago for which you are truly sorry .... HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO BE WHEN THE GOING REALLY GETS ROUGH?

If you are staying in this because you feel sorry for him because of how he was treated by an ex-girlfriend, that is a total and utter cop-out and indicates a lack of maturity on YOUR part.

Stop making excuses, either for your behavior or for his, and start being honest with both yourself and with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:42pm
Sorry, what I meant by waiting was waiting on him to forget it. We have gotten to the point of looking at rings and discussing what our future timeline is (he to Boston for his doctorate and myself to Chicago for my masters) and how we can work that out between us. I believe if you're in a serious relationship and you don't see it going towards marriage, it's a waste of both your time and his, no matter how much you care for each other. So do I leave because this issue has not been resolved yet and lose the fantastic relationship that we have 95% of the time, or do I stick it out for a bit longer and watch the stuff really hit the fan if/when we do get engaged? This issue will ultimately have to be brought to light with a third party because I insist on pre-marital counseling, but it is incredibly unfair to wait until then for either of us. I appreciate all the advice you've given...I guess I have to decide whether I have the guts and whether it's worth the heartache.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:00pm
Ok. So here's what you do. Let's assume that the situation with your BF isn't going to change, EVER. Even after tons of counseling. Let's assume you get married and your husband keps bringing up the "past" problem on a weekly basis. He does this even though he says he won't, or promises he won't. With me so far?

Assuming all this, now ask yourself: Would I be happier with him ... or without him?

If you can honestly answer with him, then marry him. If you aren't sure, or answer only with some qualification, or hesitate, or don't know, then don't marry him.

I mean, he's told you he can't let this go. So believe him. The counselor won't make any difference if this is how he honestly feels.

So is the 95% "good enough" to marry him? And if it is, why did you post here?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:55pm
Why would you marry a man who consistently beats you about the head with a mistake you made long ago (lying)??
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