my bf wants to be his ex's friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
my bf wants to be his ex's friend
4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 8:50pm
I am 23 and in my first real relationship. We are just now making two years and i love him so much. i tend to have a mind that over thinks and i let it get to me sometimes. In out relationship we like to be honest and let each other know just about everything about each other.I think that my curiousity has gotten the better of me and now i know to much. He has had past relationships and there is one, his first serious relationship, that keeps coming up. He wants to be able to keep contact with her and see her on occasion just to talk about the past i guess. i tried to be open minded with it all as long as was being honest about it and not lie, plus i trust him. well just recently they are talking again and i'm not sure how much. he also told me that there was a time when she came and visited him and did not tell me because i might get upset. there was also another time when they were supposed to see each other but something fell through. i am confused because i feel they might be holding on to something that they had in the past and im not sure that i want them to talk anymore. he says that he doesn't want to stop being her friend. now i am confused. i don't know if he values what the had more than what we have. he says that they could never be together and he wants to be with me. i just don't know anymore and i feel like my world is turned upside down. should make him choose between a friendship with her or a relationship with me, should i except it and try to work thought it, or should i just give up and move on to something new where i might not have to deal with this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:21pm

Hello there,

Well...there are two things.

First of all, they may JUST want to be friends. I was in a serious relationship with my ex for 3 years and the relationship broke down because we lived in 2 different countries. We were absolute best friends and we still are, we speak online daily and we speak on the phone occasionally too. I have known him know for 5 years, and we broke up 2 years ago. Since then, I have been in a relationship with someone else, yet I do not feel that my ex is threatening my current relationship in any way, I am just such great friends with my ex and I could never see that changing. It is completely innocent what I have with him. However, I do think it is very rare for 2 people to have such a great friendship after a break up and also, he lives 3000 miles away from me. It is possible that your guy and his ex just want to stay friends.

Now for the second part, you said <<>> If they want to stay JUST friends, then I really do not think there is any need for them to speak about the past. i know I don't with my ex boyfriend whom I am friends with. I find it a little odd that they would like to speak about the past since there is a reason why they broke up and that he has a new girlfriend, you.

If you trust him 100% then it should not be an issue,of course SHE should not take away from your time together with him and also he should not be speaking to her about things he wouldnt speak to you about.

I hope this helps, just a few things to consider. Let us know how it works.

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 3:38pm

OK, I want you to think about it this way. Say that in the future, you and this guy break up. Would you want him to treat YOU with the same consideration and respect that he is treating his ex? Would YOU want to be friends with him if the relationship ended mutally and as friendly as break-ups could be? How would YOU feel if he came to you and said, "my new girlfriend says I can't talk t you anymore."? You'd probably be thinking, "that little Bee-yotch!! I don't want him back (assuming you don't), I just want to be his friend!!" Besides, to me, it's a stand up guy that can be friends with an ex. It shows that he treats women with respect and that he can be mature about ending a relationship and get over the petty little hurts that come with it.

If you can trust your boyfriend (and it seems he's really given you little reason not to), then you need to let go of this jealousy you have. The tighter you hold on and the more jealous you become, the less attractive it is and the more he will resent you and lie to you about it. If you can show that you are mature and trust your b/f to do what he says and that you trust that he loves YOU (not her - if he loved her, he'd still be with her, right??) and that your relationship is strong, then he will love you all the more for being a supportive, confident, loving girl-friend. But if you continue acting like a jealous, spoiled little girl, he'll keep lying to you and when you find out, you are going to get more angry and suspicious. Wouldn't you rather know if he is going to hang out with her because he trusts you not to get upset?

Guys are almost always going to have friends that are girls and many of them will be exes or "unrequited loves". If you're gonna dump him to "move on to something new where i might not have to deal with this?" you are NEVER gonna find that. Don't ever make him choose either. Even if he does choose you, I bet he will wind up resenting you and it could ruin the relationship or at least taint it a lot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:43am

He could very well want to be just friends with her, but if they are just friends, as someone else said, there's no need to discuss the past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 11:11am

I agree with the other posters, I believe just because you have dated or been married to someone previously that you cannot be friends. I just divorced and me & my ex (who only live 5 blocks from each other in a small town) have remained excellent friends. He was friends w/ his ex-G, it bothered me at times but I just let it pass and she slowly moved out of the picture. She would be at gatherings we would go to and never crossed any lines. She wanted him back but he loved me and showed it.

He seems to be honest with you about telling you about it, so I would be inclined to just let it pass, if you tell him "you can't talk to her" he might just rebel about it.

Hope all goes well,
K