my bf wants girl "friends"..i say NO way

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
my bf wants girl "friends"..i say NO way
15
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:43am
My bf of almost one year gets along with girls, not guys. One of the biggest biggest biggest issues holding us apart is his need to have GIRL FRIENDS in his life. I say no way. Why would a guy in a relationship go out to meet girls to hang out with THEM alone?? Most females I have approached about this say there is no reason for their SO to meet girls and start hanging out with them. This is something I feel very strongly about. My mom said if he can't respect me and our relationship enough to not have this neeed to be friends with all the girls he happens to meet, he obviously doesn't care about me enough to NOT do this. I just can't imagine my SO going up to a girl, talking to her (when he has a girlfriend) getting her number and hanging out with her??? It makes no sense and I would never ever do that to him. I definitely do not feel that I am being unsensible with this. It is only going to lead to insecurity, trust issues, and the question of why would he need this person as a friend when he has me and PLENTY other girl buddies?? I have tried to tell him this and he basically says...so if I go make a new friend who is a girl you don't want to be with me anymore? I basically said...yes.
I talked to a co-worker today who is VERY secure in her relationship and she said...it doesn't make sense, but if he met someone he thought was cool and wanted to hang out...YOU need to be included and they need to know he is in a relationship. Period. I think meeting other couples is ideal, but am I just completely (and all the other women around me) just crazy with these thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:00pm
Hi funnygirl. I am a woman and I have to disagree to an extent. My bf has girl friends and they are al very close and meet sometimes without me around. I have met them but it took a while for us to all get together. I am aware that they know about me of course and I have seen first hand that there is no chemistry between them outside of a good friendship. Also, if he met a girl through work or whatever and they hit it off I think I would have to welcome him finding a new friend as long as they knew he was taken. I mean we all meet new people all the time and I wouldnt want him restricting me that way. The way I figure it is that if I have faith in our connection and the relationship we have built together, no new person is going to lure him away. And if they did, we didnt have what I thought we did.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:48pm

Hey funnygirl,

I'm going to have to agree with...citylife, I think the name was...

Though married, I'm fairly young (recently 24) and I have the feeling you may be of a younger age too. I just wanted to let you know of my age, to make sure I relate to you.. But my opinion is this;

Should he, say, go out to bars and meet girls and get numbers and hang out 'as friends'? No, that sounds kind of fishy in my opinion. He doesn't need to go out to meet new friends, specifically women. Now, if he has CURRENT friends or happens to meet a friend who happens to be female BY CHANCE (what I mean by chance, is at work, class, etc. Not by going to the bars) then that's ok. I'm sure you've met guys at class or work or where ever, completely harmless. I know I have, it's only normal. But to screen his friendships is basicaly not right.

My husband has a couple of friends that are female, and I too, have a couple of friends that are male. Mostly met through college classes or work over the years. And my friends know about him and vice versa. Its called being honest with each other.

If he feels he has to hide these friendships, or you catch him in lies or coverups, there is another issue at hand. There needs to be a closer look at the relationship. Have either of you ever cheated before? Is he really going out to SPECIFICALLY MEET GIRLS ONLY or does he get numbers from girls while out? Is he hiding things from you? Why exactly do you not want him to have female friends?

If this is a healthy relationship, friends of any gender should be ok. It seems there may be another issue causing this concern? I'm here if you need me hon, I've been through it all.

-Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006

There are so many issues that I left out because I was just trying to see if I am being unreasonable. I still don't feel like I am, but you were right...there is so much more to my situation that has led me to be insecure like this. I never would have admitted I am insecure, but wow am I. By focusing on the past, I feel that I am not doing anything to help my relationship, but it's the only way I can get people to understand why I am this way. He has a few friends who have boyfriends, and I don't feel threatened by them at all. My bf would go out and get numbers and think these people are his friends immediately...he is that kind of person. He contined to talk to his ex even after I moved in with him. I got calls from her telling me he was sending her presents, planning to visit her, etc. I saw emails that proved this all true. He flew in a girl buddy of his to stay with us for a week, but didn't tell me until he had to pick her up from the airport at 2am. She didn't even know he had a gf. They flirted while she was here, and luckily I worked most of the time they had together. That was way in the past though and we tried to get past it. I never did..obviously. I don't understand why we can't just have couple friends...
I don't mind if he meets people in class or work, but he won't stop it there. He needs friends so much that every person he meets is his instant best friend.

I have heard that I need to just leave him leave him LEAVE him, but since i don't I must love the drama as well as playing the martyr. You know..to be honest...I don't even know. I love him, but it's way hart to get over what has happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Honey. It sounds like its bout time you move on. He's not telling these 'friends' about you!!!!! Sounds to me, he has low self esteem and tries to get all the attention he can. A class A cheater. He had a girl stay in YOUR HOME TOGETHER, without even telling you! AND SHE DIDN'T RESPECT YOU BY FLIRTING!!! Luckily you worked? Honey, I don't even want to think about what went on while you were at work. I, honestly, talked to my ex still when I first moved in with my husband, I was naive. But when I found out it hurt him, I STOPPED. An ex is an ex for a reason and he needs to leave her in the past. Sweetheart, I know its hard, but I really think you deserve so much better. I don't know you, but just from your two posts, he just seems like a classic jerk. He needs attention and he'll get it where ever he can. From whoever. I think you should look into another place. I don't know how old you are, but you can always go home if thats an option. I know its hard and I know you love him. I can tell just by the way you write. But just because you love him, doesn't mean it's meant to work. We can't help who we love. It'll be hard if you leave, I'm not going to say it won't. I won't lie to you. But it will go away and you'll move on and find someone who LOVES YOU AND RESPECTS YOU. This has nothing to do with you loving drama or being a martyr. You have a big heart and can't help who you love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I agree with KJas- this guy would definitely be too much drama and immaturity for me. That's just pretty darned low when your boyfriend flirts right in front of you! Kick him to the curb! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006

I personally don't understand why you want couple only friends. You have no single friends? Its not really fair to stop being friends with someone just because he or she hasn't found that special someone yet.

Beyond that, you also really can't expect people to change. It sounds like he's always been this way. Its not fair for you to come into a relationship with someone and then say "now change." Love him as he is or find the one you really do love. You can't love someone for who you want him to be. I'm looking at it from the perspective of the friends you would expect a perosn to ditch because they got into a relationship. I know I would definitely be hurt. Everyone needs friends, regardless of relationship status.

Sure, it is fair for you to expect him to tell these women about you and to invite you along as well. But if you are so insecure in your relationship that if you were busy one night so he went out with one of these friends you would be jealous or hurt, then it doesn't sound like a good relationship. My husband works in night clubs. I have a 9-5 job so I'm not always there. In this type of environment, he is always being hit on by women wearing next to nothing. I am secure enough in our relationship to be able to stay home. The other aspect you should look at is you can't force someone to be with you. If a person wants to cheat and is only not cheating because you won't let him (by not letting him go out without you or talk to other women etc.) how meaningful is it? You should be with someone who is given options and still chooses you on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
I have not read the other posts to you but, I, myself am not comfortable with my SO hanging out alone with another gal pal. Some people are okay with it. Some folks would see the conflict you and your boyfriend have as a value system conflict. Others would see it as you have insecurity issues. I believe it is normal to feel a sting of a potential threat when your guy does that but at the same time, your relationship will stagnate unless you both agree on how to handle this. Yes, your needs should be considered a priority, however, it is important that you see that he does not perceive that or your feelings to be a priority. Just a thought, instead of trying to force him to agree to an arrangement that you both can live by (parents with children compromise value systems all the time), try to see that maybe he is not right for you; either because you don't prioritize and set values the same way or just because he enjoys the attention from other women and is selfish. This type of conflict will rear its ugly head again down the road with other issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
No, it is not acceptable for my SO to go out with single girls without me. Period the end. Just because your SO works in a night club and you find it acceptable doesn't mean that I will feel the same way. What works for you doesn't work for others. The person who posted after you feels the same way I do. I am allowed to feel this way, and it doesn't all have to do with insecurity.
Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006

I think you missed my point entirely. The person who posted after me had the same point, that you do seem to agree with, so I find this confusing.

The point is that you can feel whatever way you feel. Everyone is entitled to their emotions. Whatever is causing you to feel this way, you can call it what you want. It is my personal belief that it is insecurity. However the point remains that he has not changed. You met him as this type of guy so you shouldn't be surprised that he has continued his behaviors. I met my husband while he worked in a night club, should I know expect him to quit?! You can feel how you want, but it does not mean it is fair to expect him to change because of those feelings. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you either, it just means people don't like to be controlled.

If you are this adament about this, then perhaps you should find someone who respects that and feels the same way about it that you do. As I said, dont amke the person you're with into the person you want to be with, find the person you want to be with. Neither one of you is wrong, its an incompatability issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
I am sorry if I took your point wrong. I know neither of are wrong because we are all different. There are people who will understand me and there are those who never will. I guess it's just a huge difference that I am not willing to give in on..that I get annoyed easily! He is the kind of person who would be friends with every single person he talks to and I am not as much of a people person as he is. I can do fine with my family and few close friends...I don't need the constant flow of new people in my life. He says it's not something that bothers him a LOT...he still has the friends he had when we first met...I don't have a problem with them..but most of them have SO's too. I guess I feel like I should be enough. Thanks for being nice even after I was angry with your response.

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