my bf wants girl "friends"..i say NO way

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
my bf wants girl "friends"..i say NO way
15
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:43am
My bf of almost one year gets along with girls, not guys. One of the biggest biggest biggest issues holding us apart is his need to have GIRL FRIENDS in his life. I say no way. Why would a guy in a relationship go out to meet girls to hang out with THEM alone?? Most females I have approached about this say there is no reason for their SO to meet girls and start hanging out with them. This is something I feel very strongly about. My mom said if he can't respect me and our relationship enough to not have this neeed to be friends with all the girls he happens to meet, he obviously doesn't care about me enough to NOT do this. I just can't imagine my SO going up to a girl, talking to her (when he has a girlfriend) getting her number and hanging out with her??? It makes no sense and I would never ever do that to him. I definitely do not feel that I am being unsensible with this. It is only going to lead to insecurity, trust issues, and the question of why would he need this person as a friend when he has me and PLENTY other girl buddies?? I have tried to tell him this and he basically says...so if I go make a new friend who is a girl you don't want to be with me anymore? I basically said...yes.
I talked to a co-worker today who is VERY secure in her relationship and she said...it doesn't make sense, but if he met someone he thought was cool and wanted to hang out...YOU need to be included and they need to know he is in a relationship. Period. I think meeting other couples is ideal, but am I just completely (and all the other women around me) just crazy with these thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005

I remember you from the Problem Solving Board :). How have things been since then? Did you succeed in moving out and finding a new job?

Anyway, I think the concensus here is that he's not going to change anytime soon so you have the choice between sucking it up and leaving him. Besides, relationships are tough enough without the added stress of a bf that does something we can't stand!

Your feelings are problably justified, but just because they're justified doesn't mean there is some magic thing you can do to make him respect you. I know you love him, but there are other men you can love too, men who love you and respect you as much as you love and respect them.

Also, in case people are wondering, here's your thread from a month ago:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=9878.26&x=y

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004


<< I am allowed to feel this way, and it doesn't all have to do with insecurity.>>

Yes, you are allowed to feel whatever way you want to feel about. You're not wrong for that, and as the other poster said, he is not wrong for his feelings, either.

Frankly, all this means is that you're wrong for each other, that's all.

Because, yes ... you feel whatever way you want to feel about it ... and that's not wrong of you. What is or would be wrong of you is to expect him to feel the same way and coerce, guilt, pressure him into changing so that he can "fit" into the mold that you want him to be.

He's a social butterfly-type, you're not. Fundamental social values difference that will likely cause plenty of conflict now and in the future ... UNLESS one or the other of you adapts or wants to change on his or her OWN accord. But, if or until that happens ... you're at a stalemate.

<< I guess I feel like I should be enough. >>

Healthy relationships do not and really SHOULD not revolve around the other person ... it's not about making that ONE person your "everything." That's dependency, and it is NOT healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 11:04am
Yes, I post on cosmo all the time :) I have been talking to one of my very good friends recently, and I am comforted to know she is the same way I am. This is what she said about her SO:
"No, he doesn’t have a sworm of single girls that are friends….lol… ugh. I’m not sure how I’d feel about all that. I have issues with that. Lol. I think it’s rare that guys and girls can be TRUE friends. Most of the time the guy or the girl is just holding out hope to be with that person some day."
Amen.
Now this is coming from a professional mom who is my age, and it's great to see she feels the same way :) While I don't necessarily believe people need to change to accomodate someone, I do feel that while you are in a committed relationship, both people need to work on things that don't make the other one unhappy. If the person doesn't accept that and they don't feel the need to change to make things better, even just a little, it's pointless. People are in relationships all over the world and I would bet there isn't one that is perfect to a T. This is how life is, and if one or both of the people don't want to change, than obviously they don't care enough.
I had an old friend who was just like my bf. Social buttefly more than anyone I have ever met. She met her future husband and continued to do her thing. One day he said..hey, you either be with me, or you keep going for the guy friends. She realized he was more important and that was it. I never in my life would have thought she would change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005

Well, I think you answered your very own question, finally.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 10:02am
I have made the decision to leave. He changed his phone number a few months ago because his ex kept calling. To make things better for us, he actually took the initiative and changed his number :). Last night his phone was ringing and he was watching tv. I picked up his phone to give it to him and guess who it was? His ex :) He said..."i don't know how she got my number" lol. ALL I said to him was ..OK. He started yelling at me "why don't you trust me!!??" and I just looked at him and realized...wowowowowo. He is yelling at ME for doing NOTHING wrong when his ex is calling?? HAHAH. I am so numb from the pain of our relationship at this point that I didn't even cry. He came into the room and I said to him...give me a little time to find my own place. That was it. I haven't talked to him since. I don't deserve it and I won't tolerate it anymore. Just because he is nice and good to me every once in a while in no way signifies a reason to stay. I guess this Christmas is a blessing in many ways. It's also sad, but I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I am finally just...over it. Thanks :)

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