My boyfriend of 1 year has a girl-friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
My boyfriend of 1 year has a girl-friend
6
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:07am
What should I do? My boyfriend of a year, whom I see everyday has a girl-friend. Normally this would not bother me as I have some guy friends too. The difference is my guy friends that I talk to live in different states. My boyfriend has a friend who is a woman and who is waiting for him to marry her. She won't even date. She calls him and tells him she is coming up for the weekend without even asking if he has plans. She lives an hour away.

What made me very cautious about this friendship is this...I had to go away on business for two weeks. The day I left she showed up....and stayed over at his house for about 5 days. He says it was only two...that she had a migrain and could not drive in that condition...and he had to give her shots in her arm. Honestly, I am thinking if she even knows I exist. Also, he went down to see her for two weddings as friends. I saw some pictures...they look like a happy couple cuddling, dancing, etc. I found one picture of her massaging his feet. He claims she is just a friend and only talks to her every couple of months. She has called him everyweek for the last couple of weeks. When I go home late at night he calls her. Our biggest fight is about her. I am at the point I want to leave him as it seems she is not leaving. I feel like this is a three person relationship! I have told him how I feel and how she makes me feel. THe only reason I found out she spent the week with him while I was out of town....is because I asked him who was over when I heard noise in the background. If I had a guy friend come visit me for a week while he went out of town he would not be happy. I don't know her but I have alot of resentment for her. I don't want to continue this relationship as I picture us married one day with kids. I picture her showing up to see the kids if I go to the grocery store or something. In addition to all of this...I have horrible anxiety and fear when I have to go out of town on business...I feel like she is going to show up. In addition he works from home. I fear that she pops into town to see him for the day while I am working.

What is going on here? I am tired of this situation and he just doesn't see how it has made me feel. When I asked if she saw my picture he says no.

What are your thoughts....


Edited 7/2/2004 9:28 am ET ET by coco5544
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:46am
My thoughts are that you are seriously being PLAYED! No guy in his right mind would show as much concern as your BF is giving this girl! You try and talk to him about it and he doesn't want to hear because......he knows what he is doing. He should be taking YOU to these two weddings not her! I think you need to dump this man or at least give him an ultimatim her or you. Sorry to be blunt, but having gone thought this is in the past, you are definitely being played.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:49am
HI Coco..

Have you seriously had a talk with him about her. Maybe you should ask if you could meet her. If there is nothing going on.. then he should want the two of you to meet. That might put your mind to ease. I know it sounds harsh but that is a tricky situation and if he does not want you to meet her then it would appear as if he does have something going on. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:27am
Yes, I asked him why I haven't met her yet. I also asked him if she knows about me. He says yes to both...but I have not met her yet. If I am to meet her she will stay over at his house over the weekend...and I refuse to stay there if she is there. Why can't she stay at a hotel? He says that he doesn't know how to tell her that she can't sleep over at his house. He was her coach in college. She is 5 years younger then him.

I have given him an ultimatum but she still calls him. It seems like more frequent now. Why doesn't he just tell her to back off? I think he likes the attention. But I don't want to be in a relationship fearing that everytime I go out of town even for a day...she is just going to "pop up".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:31am
So I talked to him this weekend. We argued about the situation on Friday and on Monday. He said I could meet her. At this point I have so much resentment for her that I do not with to meet her. She doesn't respect my relationship with him if she knows of me. I am so angry with her that if I met her I would say things that would not be on the "polite" side.

I told him either she goes or I go. He said fine he won't be friends with her if I don't talk to any men including....the mailman or who ever it is as long as he is a man.

I told him that if we were ever to consider getting married....she would have to be out of his life because I wouldn't want her seeing my kids or sending them gifts when I am at work. He couldn't understand how I could say that.

I love him....but not enough to share him with her. If he continues the friendship with her....I will leave him. I don't have any more patience. I simply will not deal with it.

He thinks I am being jelous. I told him he is being friends with her at the expense of my feelings and our relationship. I also told him that we must not be on the same page about our relationship and that he doesn't take it as seriously as I do.

He says if I don't trust him the relationship won't work. Is is simple as that? Does he care to even work to build the trust again? I also told him he is not 16 to use the excuses he uses. He is a grown man!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:59pm
Ok, I'm wondering a few things here...

How old is he? And when did you first hear about this female *friend*. And why do you say that she is waiting for him to marry her??? Is that something he volunteered to you?

Seems fishy to me. Could be more like she's a friend with benefits.

Although I would never want things to come down to the her or me debate, I question her motivation. He says that she knows about you, yet he keeps her visit to him hush hush? I think that's a major thing to keep quiet, don't you?

You may want to consider leaving this one to his *friend* and moving on...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 4:15pm
I can't think of any kind way to say this. Leave this man. It is completely twisted that this woman is so obsessed with him, and it's even more disturbing that he is on friendly terms with her. His ties with her ENABLES her to have hope that perhaps, some day, he will leave you for her. And this is a great possiblity, as horrible as it sounds. When a woman stays over at another man's house who has a girlfriend, it is complete disrespect of you on BOTH of their parts. I do not understand how you've allowed this to go on. But then again, it's true that you cannot control another person. But you CAN, however, save yourself a lot of hurt and frustration by cutting this relationship off out of respect for YOURSELF. I understand it may seem impossible because you care for him, but you will find someone out there who will not lie to you, keep ties with potential romantic parters, and disrespect you in all of these inexcuseable ways. I wish you luck. I am sorry to hear of your dilemma.


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