My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN
7
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:02pm
I guess I'm just looking for someone out there who has experienced what I have... I'm 26 and a little over a year ago I met my boyfriend who is 28. We fell in love immediately and I was absolutely sure that we was the one. We talked about marriage and babies all the time. About six months after we started dating, he broke up with me, saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship (he had broken up with another girl about six months before we met). He then asked me to get back together with him a week later, and then broke up with me another week after that. After being split up for two months but seeing and talking to each other all the time, he got back together with me, this time asking me to marry him. Again, two months later, he freaked out and broke up with me again. This time we got a lot of space from each other but four months later (three weeks ago) after starting to talk and see each other again, he asked me to get back together with him, saying that he wanted to buy a house and have babies with me. He even told my younger brother on the phone (two weeks ago) that he was speaking to his future brother-in-law. The other night, we got into a fight and were talking about breaking up again and he stormed out. We haven't spoken since, but when I emailed him yesterday, it was as if nothing had happened. I asked him if as far as he was concerned we were broken up again and he responded by sending me a link to a joke website. I haven't spoken to him since and he hasn't replied to an email I sent him today asking what was going on.

He had a horrific childhood, and his mother stole thousands of dollars from him to support her drug habit and she basically abandoned him during his senior year of high school, moving to the other side of the country and forcing him to live in a van for two years. He hasn't seen her in eight years. His father is equally unavailable emotionally, physically and financially. He told me repeatedly that he has a hard time trusting people and I've seen from his behavior that the closer we get, the more he pushes me away. I have a hard time giving up on this relationship because a part of me believes that he needs to work out his issues and we can be together. But at what point do you cut your losses and move on?

Thanks,

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:15pm
WOW! Sounds like he has commitment issues on the line of fear. I would honestly say that until he sorts through whatever his "phobia" is of, whether its you (which doesn't sounds like that at all) or the fear of letting someone in, he may never be able to have a "normal" relationship at all, or commit. I admire your strenght for sticking in there. Have you tried discussing these issues with him directly or is it a sensitive subject? That would be my first suggestion. I know there are books out there too. I know that when I went through my break up, I read a Girlfriends guide to surviving a break up and that so worked for me. Perhaps there are some emotional support books that he can read or even you and if you are willing sit down with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:36pm
I think you should cut your losses and move on when you realize you are not happy and probably never will be happy with him, he doesn't make you happy and probably never will, he is a pain in the rear end and can't be counted on, he takes the joy out of life, he requires too much work and you don't want to spend your days being a therapist to him and wondering if he will walk out the door because he can't handle it. Sorry he had a hard life, but too bad. It doesn't give him the right to treat you like you are disposable and have no feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:39pm
Re-read your post. I think you have your answer.

Even if this guy followed through on marrying you and having babies, I doubt anything would change. This behavior would continue throughout your marriage. Imagine being pregnant, and being abandoned by this guy because he's not ready to be a parent or whatever... if this guy changes, it's not going to be anytime soon.

If he's going to change (that's if he wants to, doesn't sound like it), he will need alot more than books to help him. Sounds like he needs some serious counseling.

I suggest cutting your losses.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:58pm
Thanks for the advice, guys. It's been over a year of this and frankly I'm tired. I have a lot to offer someone and he doesn't seem to see that, or take my feelings into account at all. He wavers between telling me how great I am and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and telling me that he sees no future between us because of various issues that stand in our way. But he refuses to break it off entirely. And the worst part is that he broke up with me only hours before my mother had major surgery yesterday and six days before my birthday!

A friend recently told me an analogy about an old sweater. You keep your old sweater in the closet because it's warm and comfortable, but when you go out and want to impress people, you wear a new sweater. But if it rains, you take the old sweater out because it's comforting and soft and it doesn't matter if it gets ruined. I don't want to be this guy's old sweater. I'd love to finally have a relationship that doesn't involve so much drama and trauma... It's funny because I'm 26 and have two major long-term relationships in my life, and they were both pretty bad, but in completely opposite ways, I guess it's kinda ironic but at least I know what I don't want now! What I most want now actually is to spend time with my friends and stay far far away from men!

Thanks again,

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 6:54pm
Lisa, so sorry that you have had a seesaw kind of relationship.

He is very emotionally immature. His growth has been halted and he doesn't know how to have a relationship with anyone.

If you continue to see him, he will break your heart over and over again. He doesn't know how to act with you. He hasn't had any kind of bonding or emotional stability.

I think you want more out of life than this. You deserve more and he deserves to find his own way. You can't do it for him. Move on, good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 8:08pm
Lisa, this guy is so immature and insecure of what he wants that the only way he's overcoming his issues is through therapy. Would you marry this guy? break up now..get back together in 2 weeks...and the cycle continues. If he's like this when you date imagine when you marry..he'll be running away every week and then coming back to you asking for a ...million chance?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:50am
No woman should make a man her life's project.

This is what you will have if you continue with him, always hoping for him to change and helping him many ways, but it's difficult to help someone that doesn't help himself!

In a LTR you should have support from your partner, friendship, compannionship, trustiness, cumplicity, it seems your relationship lacks all this. He doesn't know how to love someone. So, step away, you deserve to be happy and with someone you can trust.