My boyfriend doesn't want to marry again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
My boyfriend doesn't want to marry again
11
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:25pm
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met just days after he and his wife split up and he moved out of their apartment. He lives around the corner from me and we spend almost all of our free time together and he sleeps over at least twice a week. He has not filed for divorce yet (more procrastination than anything), but he is definitely never going back to her. He says that he loves me, he's never felt so loved by anyone and he could live with me and make a life-long commitment, but that he feels no need to get married again. He is 38 and I am 34. This will be my second marriage as well (neither of us has children or own houses). I'd like to wait awhile to have children, but I'm so worried he won't marry me and I'll waste all this time with him.

Marriage is very important to me because first, for love. Second, because I want a family following the tradition of my own family. And third, for legal reasons because it should be clear to other people who he puts his trust in to make decisions for him if anything happens- life insurance, health insurance, and there are also benefits such as tax breaks, spousal visits when he's traveling for his company, etc. I think that these are all very valid reasons. He isn't sure about children. Last year, he found out that one of his siblings has a serious health problem and after he returned from a visit, declared that he will probably want children because he wouldn't want to be alone if anything happened to him. But he keeps changing his mind and lately, has only said that he just doesn't want to have kids. I love him and I know that I can't give up those important things for someone who can't recognize my needs are different.

Am I pushing him by bringing this up and always being visibly upset at his answers? Should I give him the chance to clean up his past and move on without any pressure from me hoping that things will just fall into place? We broke up once before because he wasn't ready to make a commitment to me and I felt that I needed someone who could. About a month later, he made all the right moves to win me back and had even said he would get married again, but never a third time (I had commented on an acquaintance getting married a third time). I feel like his confusion makes me feel like my options are being TAKEN from me and that makes me think about this nonstop so I bring it up, pressure him, and ultimately it's pushing him away. He knows that I will always make good on my threats because I already left him once until he agreed to fully commit to me. I have so much love to give, I just don't want to be giving it to the wrong person who will never have the same needs as me.

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Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:33pm
Does he want children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:51pm
MissCharmM,

You offered advice to me, so I will return the favor.

NO.

You cannot change a man............

Let me hear it again from the choir .... YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN.

Haircuts and clothes you have a chance.

Marriage, maybe you'll eventually talk him into it, if he wants kids even better chance.

If he doesn't want kids or marriage and you have to have them - walk away and find another man. Dreams are dreams and you cannot hope to change his or yours and still be happy down the road.

Just an opinion from a guy who is separated because of these very things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:17pm
Just my opinion but I see some red flags here. 1). He's not divorced yet. Procrastination? Does that mean he's lazy? Undecided? What? Why are you stressing about marriage to him when he's already married to someone else? If someone doesn't feel enough motivation to get a divorce from woman A after being with woman B for over a year....red flag. Maybe he's not getting one b/c as long as he's married to her he *can't* marry you. 2) He started dating you days after splitting with his wife. He wasn't emotionally available yet to begin another relationship. It takes time to get over things. People who don't allow themselves that time are running from something (inside themselves). 3) He keeps changing his mind about things (another indication he's mixed up and is not sure what he wants). But from all indications he doesn't want exactly what you do. Will he ever? Nobody can predict that. But people who want and need different things from life and from their relationships don't often end up happy together (which is only logical, because they don't want/need the same thing, so at least one of them isn't getting what they want/need).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:49pm
You're in denial. It's simple and there's no confusion about it. He's told you clearly he doesn't want marriage and he can't commit to having kids, either. You are totally wasting your time with him if these are things you want. He's a grownup and he knows exactly what he wants. You will have no one to blame but yourself when you end up angry and sad because you stayed in this relationship.

The time for negotiation is long over with. At 34, you need to get going. Figure it will take a year to get over him, a year to find someone else, a year to remarry. Then you'll be 37.

Like I said, the time to negotiate is over. It's time to LEAVE. Good luck.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:02pm
Oh...OK>..I reread your post. Honey....I know you love him but I DO think you are in denial. If you want marriage and children, this guy doesnt sound like hes the one for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:17pm
He changes his mind- first no, then yes, then once I said some people just shouldn't have kids and maybe he's one of them - that annoyed him and he said maybe he's just not ready yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:19pm
Thanks for being candid, I appreciate hearing that from a man. Sorry to hear about your separation. Just out of curiosity, are you the one who doesn't want marriage and/or children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:28pm
As far as his divorce, I say procrastination but I'm actually saying that prematurely. They had discussed filing no fault and in my state you have to wait 18 months to file for a no-fault divorce. 18 months is next month. I don't know if he has or hasn't done anything, I do know that he looked up filing directly over the internet. As far as it being too soon, I was just getting back into dating myself and thought he would be safe- of course, neither one of us was expecting to find a soulmate and fall in love at the time. I give him his time to resolve the past because of quite a few reasons- he is gentle, sincere and my family and friends adore him. He was very respectful of his ex when they split up and never bashed her (though I did learn that she was unfaithful). He is a hard worker, very supportive, loving, romantic, and makes plans for the future with me. The only problem is that we are both stubborn- he says no, I cry and push, and he says no louder. Thanks for replying to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:45pm
Thanks- I appreciate all the responses. Even if it isn't what we really want to hear, I think we post here because we already know the answer, but we're just afraid to admit it.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:32pm
Now THAT statement could not be more true....Ive come here for advice in the past when Ive already known the answer...Im just looking for someone to say Im wrong...lol

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