My boyfriend doesn't want to marry again
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| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:25pm |
Marriage is very important to me because first, for love. Second, because I want a family following the tradition of my own family. And third, for legal reasons because it should be clear to other people who he puts his trust in to make decisions for him if anything happens- life insurance, health insurance, and there are also benefits such as tax breaks, spousal visits when he's traveling for his company, etc. I think that these are all very valid reasons. He isn't sure about children. Last year, he found out that one of his siblings has a serious health problem and after he returned from a visit, declared that he will probably want children because he wouldn't want to be alone if anything happened to him. But he keeps changing his mind and lately, has only said that he just doesn't want to have kids. I love him and I know that I can't give up those important things for someone who can't recognize my needs are different.
Am I pushing him by bringing this up and always being visibly upset at his answers? Should I give him the chance to clean up his past and move on without any pressure from me hoping that things will just fall into place? We broke up once before because he wasn't ready to make a commitment to me and I felt that I needed someone who could. About a month later, he made all the right moves to win me back and had even said he would get married again, but never a third time (I had commented on an acquaintance getting married a third time). I feel like his confusion makes me feel like my options are being TAKEN from me and that makes me think about this nonstop so I bring it up, pressure him, and ultimately it's pushing him away. He knows that I will always make good on my threats because I already left him once until he agreed to fully commit to me. I have so much love to give, I just don't want to be giving it to the wrong person who will never have the same needs as me.

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You offered advice to me, so I will return the favor.
NO.
You cannot change a man............
Let me hear it again from the choir .... YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN.
Haircuts and clothes you have a chance.
Marriage, maybe you'll eventually talk him into it, if he wants kids even better chance.
If he doesn't want kids or marriage and you have to have them - walk away and find another man. Dreams are dreams and you cannot hope to change his or yours and still be happy down the road.
Just an opinion from a guy who is separated because of these very things.
The time for negotiation is long over with. At 34, you need to get going. Figure it will take a year to get over him, a year to find someone else, a year to remarry. Then you'll be 37.
Like I said, the time to negotiate is over. It's time to LEAVE. Good luck.
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